


Beautiful

by Picpicpic



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay, Intimacy, M/M, Protective Kelly Severide, Realization, Trauma, Trust Issues, hurt!Casey, hurt!Kelly, touch issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-10 08:07:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 39,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14733179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Picpicpic/pseuds/Picpicpic
Summary: A Fansequel to FrankieFandom's Pretty. Matt must come to terms with the long-term effects of the Harvey ordeal and turns to Kelly for help.





	1. Nighthawks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FrankieFandom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieFandom/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Pretty](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8194358) by [FrankieFandom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieFandom/pseuds/FrankieFandom). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER  
> This story is a fansequel to FrankieFandom's Pretty.  
> Which means it's a direct continuation, trying to stay as true as possible to the universe created in Pretty.  
> Being written by a different writer, it will have its own colour and unavoidable divergence.
> 
> So, I suggest you all go re-read Pretty to be up-to-speed to where this story starts...
> 
> I want to thank FrankieFandom for letting me do this and for all her support in the process.

**1 | Nighthawks**

_“What if…?”_

They’re sitting one night at Molly’s, it’s almost closing time and only a few patrons are left. By the tone of Matt’s voice, Kelly knows it’s something to do with Harvey; Though the subject hasn’t come up at all during the evening, it’s constantly whirling at the back of Matt’s mind. The secure emptiness of the bar, Kelly’s proximity and the fluid influence of alcohol taunt Matt’s mind into talking, forming aloud the question plaguing him for weeks.

 _“What if what?”_ Kelly tries to encourage Matt to go on, knowing how delicate his state of mind is in such situations. But it’s also when his inhibitions and walls are at his lowest, maybe he can bring him to actually talk about what’s been bothering him these past weeks, since Harvey’s death.

_“What if, somewhere, somehow, I was flattered by his attention? What if secretly, unconsciously I liked the cards and the flowers and the wine?”_

_“We’re all flattered by attention, Matt. It’s only human, it’s why the game works. But you set clear boundaries, you told him ‘no’ on more than one occasion. He should have stopped there.”_

_“Yeah, yeah,”_ Matt agrees pensively, sinking back into his silent contemplation. _“but what if, I was a little, tiny bit intrigued?”_ Matt’s eyes are huge with shock and dread, his voice is so low that Kelly must lean in to hear what he’s saying.

 _“Intrigued by what?”_ Kelly tries to follow.

_“By… what he was offering… by what he wanted to do…”_

_“You mean sleeping with a man? A relationship with a man?”_

_Matt’s eyes shut as if he’s trying to protect himself from the thought, but Kelly doesn’t miss the tiny_ nod that follows. “W _hat if I was secretly intrigued and I somehow unconsciously sent mixed signals?”_ he whispers, his tone laced with horror.

_“You didn’t send mixed signals. Even if you were subconsciously interested in the possibility of sleeping with a man, you clearly didn’t want to sleep with him. You told him that loud and clear, right?”_

_“Hm-hm,”_ Matt nods starkly, concentrating on Kelly’s logic.

_“You told him not to contact you and you blocked his number.”_

_“Hm-hm.”_

_“You threw away the flowers and the card.”_

_“Hm-hm. Punched him once.”_ Matt adds.

_“So, I don’t see any mixed signals, Matt.”_

_“But what if,”_ Matt’s conscious doesn’t relent. _“on the boat,”_ he can’t seem to continue but Kelly knows not to push. He wishes he could console Matt, give him comfort, but Matt’s become extremely sensitive to touch recently, and Kelly’s afraid to spook him, concerning the topic of their conversation. Kelly sits in silence, patiently waiting for Matt to come to terms with what he wants to say.

 _“What if, on the boat,”_ Matt begins again, slowly, trudging through his thought, his eyes locked deep to the bottom of his own beer glass, _“when he was undressing me, when he had his hands on me, what if I wasn’t entirely disgusted?”_ A single tear breaks through Matt’s dark features, rolling down his cheek, portraying his anxiety, his fear of everything going on inside him.

 _“What if so, Matt? What’s wrong with that?”_ Kelly asks softly _, “What Harvey did was wrong, in every way. He drugged you into a state you were out of control, took you against your will and better judgment. Even then you made it clear you didn’t want him. Nothing that happened on that boat was your fault. But aside from Harvey, what’s so wrong about being attracted to men, Matt?”_ He pauses for a moment to see if Matt is still with him; if he should go on. _“I’ve slept with men, you know that, does that make you think any less of me?”_

 _“No,”_ Matt shakes his head hurriedly, _“no.”_

_“Then why would you think any less of yourself?”_

Matt knows his answer isn’t suitable for an independent 29’ year old man, but he can’t shake it. _“My dad,”_

Kelly inhales deeply and exhales slowly as if trying to calm himself. _“Can I say something about your dad, without you getting angry? I know it’s not my place, and I’m not a psychologist and I know you hate talking about it, but may I?”_

Matt nods again a tiny nod in answer.

_“The worst thing your dad did to you, was make you afraid of yourself. And unfortunately, although she was trying to protect you from exactly that, what your mother did, didn’t help that. We can’t change who we are, Matt. We can hide it and fight it to the point it makes us miserable, but we can’t change it. And I promise you, being attracted to men isn’t something you should be afraid of. There is nothing inside you, you should be afraid of. I know you. I know you’re scared of losing control, of losing the grip on your emotions like your mom did, but I promise you, I guarantee, it will never happen to you. Never.”_

They sit there for a moment in silence, Kelly’s words ringing between them and Matt seemingly frozen. _“Sorry,”_ Kelly whispers, not for what he’d said but perhaps for crossing a line he shouldn’t have. But Matt shakes his head lightly, still avoiding eye contact but very much attuned, overwhelmed by Kelly’s words. His eyes squeeze shut as a rush of pain and gratitude flows through him.

 _“How do you know?”_ Matt asks quietly, hesitantly, still afraid to believe Kelly’s words, though he trusts him implicitly.

 _“You fishing for compliments now?”_ Kelly tries to joke.

_“What? No. sorry,”_

_“I’m joking, Matt, but your reaction is how I know. You don’t have a selfish bone in your body. You do your best to help people, and you avoid hurting them at all cost. At your own expense sometimes. I don’t mean it as critique, it’s just the way you are. You could do with a bit more self-preservation if you ask me.”_

Matt doesn’t react to that, Kelly’s word sinking deep inside him, meeting different thoughts and experiences. Most of all everything that happened with Harvey and on that boat.

 

 _“Enough of this,”_ Kelly says as he knocks down the last of his drink, setting the glass down on the bar. Noticing he’s lost Matt to his own mind, he tries to pull him out and change their vibe. _“That was way too much for one evening. How ‘bout we get out of here? Go to the all-night Irish pub down the road? I could do with some fried junk-food, how ‘bout you? Matt?”_

 _“Yeah, yeah, sure,”_ Matt nods absentmindedly, finishing his drink and jumping off the stool to pay.

 _“I’ve got this,”_ Kelly says, his hand gesturing to stop Matt from taking his wallet out. _“You’ve had to listen to my blabber, that’s price enough to pay,”_ he says laughingly, trying to downplay their conversation, give Matt some perspective. _“you can get the next round.”_

 _“Fine.”_ Matt relents, _“But I’m not paying for your junk food. You want to kill yourself slowly with cholesterol, you do it at your own expense.”_ They both chuckle at that as they make their way out of the bar.


	2. Swirling

**2 |**

_“Hey,”_ Kelly says as he enters their apartment after drinks with the guys. Matt had declined his offer, preferring, as per usual lately, to stay in.

_“Hey,”_ Matt answers darkly from his place on the couch.

_“You okay?”_ Kelly asks as he eyes the bottle of whiskey sitting on the coffee table and the tumbler in Matt’s hand.

_“Yeah.”_

_“You could have come out with us if you were intending on drinking, rather than drink alone in the dark,-”_

_“I need to ask you something,”_ Matt exclaims, cutting Kelly’s sentence, as though hanging on the last bit of courage he has left.

_“Okay,”_ Kelly answer, a bit worried and confused.

_“Ask something of you, ask you for something,”_

_“Matt?”_

_“It’s, uh, crazy maybe, and impossible and unfair,-“_

_“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that? Just ask.”_ Kelly says, trying to reassure Matt as he takes a seat on the arm of the armchair to Matt’s left.

_“I uh, I’ve eh,”_ Matt clears his throat, his nerves getting the better of him _. “You know how a few weeks ago, we, eh, talked about me needing alcohol to um, to have sex?”_

_“Yeah,”_ Kelly says surprised by the nature of the conversation.

_“Well, I’ve been trying to get that under to control… to uh, not be so dependent on it for… sex. To, uh, try and uh create,”_ Matt battles to find the words, ticking them off as if he’s recalling a guidance pamphlet, _“new, safe, experiences of sex… sorry, does this make any sense?”_

_“Matt, what’s going on?”_

_“I’ve been seeing a sex-surrogate, do you know what that is? Like therapy for sexual trau-, experiences, - you know what, never mind, this was a mistake.”_ Matt suddenly loses all his courage and gets up to flee the room, tumbler still in hand.

_“Matt, no, stop.”_ Kelly gets up to follow him, holding himself back from grabbing Matt’s wrist. _“You’ve come this far, don’t stop now. Just ask what you wanted to ask. I’m not going to judge you.”_

_“I can’t,”_

_“Yes, you can. I’m glad you’re getting help for what’s troubling you,”_

_“It’s not working.”_ Matt blurts out, then continues more calmly, trying to explain himself. _“I go, and we start, and she touches me and then I freak out and stop her.”_ They stand and look at each other, Matt searching Kelly’s features for his reaction. _“I still can’t do it without the alcohol to block it out. I close my eyes, and all I see is Harvey’s glinting eyes. All I feel is his hands on me.”_ Matt confesses in a small voice. _“And I think, maybe, it’s because she’s a stranger. Because I don’t know her, and I don’t trust her.”_

Kelly thinks he might be getting an inkling of where Matt is going with this, surprise washing over him, but he won’t let it show on his face, careful not to do anything that might cause Matt to stray from his line of thought, from his quest. He understands the choice of alcohol now, imaging the evening Matt had had to rile up the courage to confront Kelly with this. His heart breaks for Matt’s hardships and fills with admiration at his determination and courage.

_“But I trust you,”_ Matt says, his voice shaky yet certain, knowing this will reveal everything he means to ask Kelly. _“I trust you,”_ he says again, searching for his line of thought. He can see Kelly’s frozen posture as if he’s afraid to breathe, but he can’t read what it means. _“You are the only person I trust, the only one I have,”_ he swallows thickly, preparing the courage to utter the next words. _“So, I wanted to ask you if you’d be willing to help me.”_

The silence sits heavy in the room, they eye each other like wild animals assessing one another’s next move.

_“I,-“_ Kelly starts.

_“Not sex, not full intercourse, I don’t want you to fuck me or anything,”_ Matt cuts in, terrified of his own words and of hearing Kell’s reaction _“just the start, the undressing part, the touching, to see if…”_

_“Ma-“_

_“I get it if you don’t want to. If you don’t find me… if it’s too weird,”_

_“Can I talk now?”_ Kelly asks softly, trying to calm Matt from his own anxiety.

_“Sorry, yeah, sure, sorry,”_ Matt mumbles.

If Kelly wasn’t afraid it would change something between them, he’d do it in a heartbeat. But Matt takes these things so seriously, so meaningfully, that Kelly’s afraid it’d break something between them. Not that it would be meaningless, but it wouldn’t be clear how to go on after. What if it doesn’t work and they’d have this failure between them. It’d fill Matt with guilt and embarrassment. It would be the end for them. But what if it did work? And it’d help Matt come to terms with something, rid himself of something holding him back ever since the whole Harvey thing, could Kelly really deny him of that? But could he sleep with Matt and then go on working and living with him as if nothing happened? Would it be as if nothing happened? One-night stands are good for a reason – there are no strings attached. But there are so many strings attaching him to Matt and he wouldn’t want any of them to be severed. This is so complicated, it has to mean alarm-bells ringing. But if Matt’s suggested it, that means he’s thought about it, incessantly, because Matt overthinks everything, from every angle. And if he’s gone ahead and asked it means this is his only option, the only option he’d give himself, and Kelly can’t take that from him. Can he? A thousand questions race through his mind as he tries not to lose contact with Matt.

He feels like he’s talking to a caged animal, trying to prevent it from fleeing. _“Can we sit? Maybe have a drink?”_ He points at the tumbler still held in Matt’s hand, and Matt looks down at it as if surprised to find it there. Matt then follows him, taking a seat on the couch, waiting anxiously as Kelly fills his glass and pours one for himself before he sits down on the edge of the armchair, trying to remain close to Matt but not too close as to create pressure.

_“I,”_ Kelly begins, not knowing really where he should start, everything sounding somehow so heavy or condescending. “ _Matt,”_ he sighs, fighting to find a beginning. He can see Matt closing down, losing his nerve as he misreads Kelly’s stuttering. He knows he’s losing precious time and decides to just jump in, do it the Kelly Severide way.

_“My gut answer is yes, Matt, I’m willing to help you with this, I’d be happy to help you with this,”_ he takes a breath and can see Matt’s tense form, his eyes burrowing huge and blue into him, not necessarily indicating happiness or relief at Kelly’s answer. _“But, I think we should talk about it first.”_


	3. Twenty questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early update!

**3 | Twenty questions**

_“I’m not a therapist, Matt, I wouldn’t know how and what to do,”_ Kelly voices out one of his concerns after Matt has had a moment to process his initial shock.

 _“I don’t need you for that. I have a therapist, you’d just be the practical part of it.”_ he refrains from making a drunken remark about Kelly’s sexual abilities.

_“And you’d keep seeing her or him, talk about our…your experiences?”_

_“Her. If you’re okay with that, yes…”_

_“Have you spoken to her about this?”_

_“No,”_

_“What if I hurt you, cause more damage than help?”_

_“You won’t,”_

_“Matt,”_

_“You won’t. I trust you. You’ll stop if I’ll ask you, take it at my pace, won’t you?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“So, you won’t damage me any more than I’m already damaged.”_

_“What if it changes things between us? What if you don’t like it?”_

_“Then we’ll stop.”_

_“And what if you do like it? Will you able to look me in the eye afterward?”_ he adds when Matt doesn’t answer the first part of his question. _“I don’t want to lose you, Matt, in any way. This, you, this openness we finally have, is so important to me, I wouldn’t want to risk it just for sex.”_ He pushes the boundaries, trying for Matt’s reaction.

_“It’s not just sex.”_

_“What about me being a man?”_ Kelly can’t help himself, their conversation two weeks ago at Molly’s coming to mind. It’s not only that Matt is seeking help with sexual physical contact, but Kelly would be his first experience with a male partner.

_“What?”_

_“You’ve never been with a man. Two weeks ago, you were still voicing insecurities about being attracted to a man, and now you’re asking me to help with this? I mean…”_

_“There’s no one else. There is no woman in my life I trust enough to ask this from.”_

_“Is that all it is?”_

_“I, … don’t know.”_ Matt gives up and Kelly sees there’s no point in pushing the topic, Matt would only close further on himself. Maybe it’s his way of experimenting. Maybe their relationship is strong enough for Matt to oversee Kelly’s gender. Maybe, in a way, he needs to recreate the situation with Harvey to be able to break out of it. Kelly’s not sure. He doesn’t think Matt’s really sure. Neither of them educated in the working of the human psyche. 

_“Did you ever think, that maybe the problem was the one-night stands and not you?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“How many one-night stands have you ever had before this Harvey business?”_

Matt takes a moment to think, _“3?4?”_

_“In 12 years of sexual activity. How many have you had in the past three months since Harvey?”_

_“6,”_

_“You see what I’m saying? You expect one-stands to cure you, but you’ve never been a one-night stand kind of guy. You need more from them, you need to be able to trust them more. Maybe the answer isn’t one-night stands but a stable relationship?”_

_“I thank the lucky stars I wasn’t in a relationship when this happened.”_ Matt answers heatedly, his voice lined with anger and disgust though he’s fighting to keep himself in check. _“Someone having to deal with this, with me like this, unable to have sex, to be touched or held? No.”_

_“Matt, if you’d have been with the right person, they wouldn’t have cared. They wouldn’t have pressured you into anything. They would have understood and accepted and loved you for who you are and would have helped you through it. Like you would have done if your partner would have gone through something like this. You wouldn’t rush them into something they’re not ready for, you would have been there, by their side, and you wouldn’t have seen them as any less worthy. And you are not any less worthy.”_

_“I thought you weren’t a therapist.”_ Matt’s tone hardens as his walls come up.

 _“I’m not. Sorry. I just… never mind. It’s late.”_ They sit a moment in silence, Kelly contemplating if and how to go on. _“I’m not sure how to continue from here, you haven’t answered my question about things changing between us. We still need to live together, work together, I still want you as my friend, I wouldn’t want this to ruin things between us.”_

_“It won’t, I promise. I’ll do everything I can not to let it. You’re too important to me too. But I can’t ask this of anyone else.”_

_“I know,”_ Kelly says softly. _“But you’re not alone. You have people to talk to, to lean on, if you’d just let yourself. The firehouse is full of people wanting to be there for you,”_

 _“I know,”_ Matt nods solemnly, feeling guilty for his inability to trust his fellow firefighters enough to let them into his private life. _“But not with this.”_

 _“No,”_ Kelly grins at the thought, _“No with this.”_

_“So?”_

_“So, we’ll figure it out, I guess,”_ Kelly says smiling softly in reassurance, _“you decide when, and let me know. I’ll think of how. Maybe we need some ground rules… but not tonight, it’s late and I have work in the morning.”_ He says as he begins to get up.

 _“Kelly,”_ Matt’s tone stops him in his tracks, his eyes searching for Kelly’s, _“thank you,”_

 _“I’m glad you asked me, Matt.”_ Kelly smiles down at him in answer, he ponders if he could lay a hand on Matt’s shoulder, deciding against it. _“Good night.”_

_“Night,”_

_“And don’t overthink it,”_ Kelly shoots lightly just before he enters his room. _“Could be fun,”_


	4. Nomenclate

**4 | Nomenclate**

_“Tonight?”_ Matt asks carefully as they stand one morning in the kitchen, drinking coffee. _“You have plans for tonight?”_

 _“No plans,”_ Kelly answers, Matt’s pale complexion indicates what he’s thinking about, his attempt to overcome his anxiety over what he’s asking. _“Tonight is good. I’ve been thinking about it, I think we should find a name for it,”_ he says with a cheeky grin _, “like a code name.”_

 _“Help?”_ Matt asks flatly, unsure of what Kelly means. _“Could you help me tonight?”_ he tries it out.

 _“Na, that’s too official, too one-sided. Fooling around?”_ he offers, _“Na, too obvious, we can’t say that near the guys.”_

 _“We’re also not fooling around,”_ Matt says dryly.

_“Work out?”_

_“Might be confusing… work in?”_

_“Sounds like doing chores. We need something clear, but also something that sounds fun… something we could set as a plan for us to do, without it being too obvious.”_ He thinks for a moment, his eyes moving around the apartment as if looking for inspiration. _“How about Game night?”_ They both know their console is broken, so there won’t be any confusion. It’ll sound palpable to the guys if it ever slips out in the firehouse.

“ _Game night?”_ Matt repeats hesitantly.

 _“Yeah, Game night tonight? See it works.”_ Kelly’s happy with his invention. _“You okay with it?”_

“ _Sure, yeah, Game night.”_

_“So, tonight?”_

_“Hmm,”_ Matt nods shyly, his insecurity back.

_“My room. 21:00?”_

_“Hmm,”_

_“Okay,”_ Kelly says, leaving his position from leaning against the counter and putting his mug in the sink. _“I need to get to work, I’ll see you later.”_

_“Hmm,”_

_“Matt,”_ he catches Matt’s eyes before he leaves the kitchen, _“you want this, right? This is what you want?”_ He emphasizes the ‘you’, to check, to be sure, that this is Matt’s wish and he’s not being pressured into anything.

_“Yes,”_

_“Okay.”_ Kelly accepts though Matt’s answer was not without reservation. _“So try to think of it as fun, let it be fun, okay?”_

…

 _“Hey,”_ Kelly says as he turns around to the sound of a knock on his open door, finding Matt standing nervously at the door. _“Come in,”_

 _“Hey,”_ Matt says as he steps inside, finding himself standing awkwardly in the space just inside the door.

 _“Sit, you want a drink?”_ Kelly points to the Ottoman across from his bed, pouring himself a tumbler from the whiskey standing on the dresser, he holds the bottle above a second tumbler, waiting for Matt’s answer.

_“I thought the point was not to erase it with alcohol,”_

_“One drink, to help the nerves,”_ Kelly smiles. _“We have to talk first anyway. So?”_

_“Sure,”_

_“Cheers,”_ Kelly offers his glass as he passes Matt his drink, sitting down next to him.

 _“Cheers,”_ they clink the glasses before sipping on the drink. Matt sighs in relief as it burns down his throat.

 _“You showered.”_ Kelly states now he’s closer to Matt.

 _“Yeah, I was at the gym, trying to, uh, you know… you’re showered too...”_ Matt half states-half asks.

 _“Yeah,”_ Kelly smiles shyly _, “was nervous I guess, wanted to uh… whatever.”_ They silently understand they somehow had similar thoughts, as awkward as they may be. _“So, I’ve come up with some ground rules for us, okay? One, is that we only do it in here.”_

_“Why?”_

_“I thought it’d keep the rest of the apartment neutral. Keep it out of your room in case it goes wrong. Keep your room yours, safe.”_

Matt nods in silence, overthinking Kelly’s words, taking to heart how caring and sincere Kelly’s thoughts are to his own needs.

_“Second thing, just to clear any doubt, we can both keep seeing other people while we do this. I don’t want it to prevent us from leading our own separate lives, okay? If it ever comes to sex, we’ll keep it safe, but there’s no exclusivity clause here, or whatever. If we want to sleep with other people, we can.”_

_“Agreed.”_ Matt’s answer is short. He’s not really sure how he feels about it, doubting he’d be wanting to keep trying one-night stands, but he can’t ask Kelly to give his lifestyle for him.

 _“Third thing, we’re going to have safe words. You say ‘wait’, we’ll freeze whatever we’re doing, give you a moment to breathe, to adjust, but we won’t necessarily break it off. If you say ‘stop,’ we’ll stop completely, hands off, no questions asked.”_ Kelly pauses to gauge Matt’s reaction, before adding. _“We’re going to do this at your pace, Matt, you call the shots. Whatever you need, okay? I just ask you to try not to run; Not to close down and shut me out, okay?”_

Matt nods carefully, his eyes glued to the floor, knowing this will be his greatest challenge; to remember, whatever happens, it’s not Kelly’s fault, not to punish him with silence. _“Anything else?”_

 _“Yes,”_ it’s now Kelly’s turn to swallow thickly before speaking, _“my body, during these sessions, or whatever we want to call them,”_ he waits for Matt’s eyes to meet his, _“is yours to do what you want with. I want you to feel at ease to check things out, to experiment.”_ He can see the blush rising in Matt’s cheeks, feeling his own cheeks becoming warm as well. This is so awkward, but he pushes forward. “ _If you want to touch me, to undress me, to um, kiss me, you can, okay? Don’t feel uncomfortable or like you have to hold back. This is for you, feel confident to call the shots.”_

Matt’s eyes move slowly to look briefly down Kelly’s body before meeting his gaze again, an unreadable expression on his face. He stares at Kelly for a moment, until the latter becomes somewhat uncomfortable. He speaks again just to break the awkward moment.

_“That’s eh, it from my side. Anything you want to add?”_

Matt shakes his head, blinking his eyes to regain some focus.

 _“What did you have in mind to start with?”_ Kelly asks curiously, trying to bring Matt back to activity.

 _“Don’t know,”_ Matt says quietly, _“thought you’d be the one to, uh, initiate.”_

_“How do you usually start with the surrogate?_

_“We have tasks we have to fill every session,”_

_“Tasks?”_

_“Yeah, the therapist gives me and the surrogate tasks for every meeting,”_

_“So, do you have a task for today?”_

_“No,”_

_“Why not? Did you speak with your therapist about us doing this?”_

_“Yes, Kelly I did.”_ Matt loses his patience, becoming edgy. _“Enough with the interrogation, just... just start with normal things, normal touch between two friends. Like you used to touch me before everything happened.”_ It’s the first thing to come to mind, but it makes sense. He’s been so reserved lately, they’ve lost almost every kind of physical communication between them.

 _“Like this?”_ Kelly asks, putting his right hand on Matt’s shoulder, squeezing lightly, feeling Matt tense in spite of himself.

_“Yes,”_

_“Like this?”_ Kelly asks after a while, as he shifts to lay his arm higher across Matt’s shoulders, feeling Matt’s tension grow. He hasn’t held Matt, or anyone like this for ages, though there was a time, when he was younger, when Andy was still around, he’d often find himself in this position, usually moving Andy quickly into a friendly headlock, ruffling his hair. He can’t do that now with Matt. Matt has always been more careful, more held back, though Kelly did catch him in a few headlocks back in the days.

The memory of Andy hits him heavily and he moves his arm again, attempting to avoid the weighty mood that had suddenly set in. He lets his hand remain on Matt’s shoulder, his arm laying across his back. He can feel Matt tense, his breathing becoming controlled and heavy as if he’s trying to calm himself. After a long moment, Kelly moves his hand to Matt’s nape, holding it there, his fingers carting gently at the tips of Matt’s short hair.

 _“You okay?”_ he asks gently into Matt’s ear, slipping his left hand to lay on Matt’s forearm.

 _“Hm-hm,”_ Matt grunts, trying and failing not to grind his teeth. They sit like that for a moment, Matt slowly coming to terms with the contact.

 _“I’ve missed touching you like this,”_ Kelly confesses softly. _“You’ve been so closed off lately._ ”

_“I know, I’m sorry,”_

_“No, you don’t need to apologize. I’m just glad to do this. I want my friend back too.”_

_._

_“Can we be done?”_ Matt asks softly, almost pained, after another long moment where he’d fought against his urges to shrug Kelly’s arm off. He’d counted down from 10 four times in his head, he’d let himself take notice of the weight of Kelly’s arm, the feel of his fingers tickling at his hairline before he’d allowed himself to break it off. _“I think that’s enough for now.”_

 _“Yeah, sure, of course,”_ Kelly is quick remove his hands, aware of his promise. But Matt moves just as quick to grab Kelly’s hand in his. His elbows on his knees, he just holds Kelly’s hand for a moment between his two hands.

_“Thank you, Kelly,”_

_“Matt, you don’t have to thank me all the time.”_

_“Yes, I do. I know it’s weird, and it’s not obvious that you’re willing to do this. I’m grateful that you are.”_

_“Like I said, I want my friend back too,”_ Kelly says with a smile. Bumping lightly against Matt’s shoulder _,_ somehow re-balancing everything between them. Matt nods in acceptance, a small smile on his face before he gets up to leave the room.

_“Good night, Kelly,”_

_“Good night, Matt.”_


	5. One step back; Two steps forward

**5 | One step back; Two steps forward**

  
The next morning, Matt leaves early. When Kelly arrives at the firehouse he finds him already nursing a cup of coffee, deep in reports in his office.

 _“Hey,”_ Kelly greets from the door.

 _“Hey,”_ Matt hardly turns toward him, giving Kelly a clear message. It’s not surprising. Kelly had prepared himself for a cold shoulder, Matt secluding himself in his office, away from everyone - Matt’s way of protecting himself, of taking the time to get his head around things.  
Apart from anything else that happened yesterday, he’d exposed himself in all his vulnerability to Kelly; That, more than anything, required coming to terms with; Re-finding his stance in front of Kelly. If it took a morning of quiet reserve, Kelly could stomach that.  
Kelly leaves without another word, noting to himself to keep an eye on Matt, not let him isolate himself too much. 

Their shift goes on without a hitch. Over the next couple of days, Matt recovers his equability, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened between them, or, as if, perhaps, he’d come to terms with it existing between them.

…

It’s during the next shift, at the end of that same week, that something happens.  
Truck having been called out without Squad to a single-car-accident during the night, Kelly sits at the Squad table, trying to read his book, while unadmittedly waiting for Truck to come back.

It’s when Truck pulls in, and Matt jumps down before it’s even at a full stop, running hurriedly inside, that Kelly becomes alarmed.

 _“What happened?”_ he asks urgently, already on his feet.

 _“Grateful victim,”_ Hermann says knowingly, his eyes following Matt’s trajectory. _“The car caught fire, Casey pulled him out, and he was a little eager to show his gratitude.”_

They all know some of what had happened with Harvey, not the extent of it, but how it began, and how disturbing it had become to Matt’s peace of mind.

 _“Shit,”_ Kelly mumbles, already making his way inside, thinking how unfair it is on Matt, that a seemingly innocent event can trigger his demons. He finds Matt leaning over the toilet, waiting for the final heaving of bile to cease.  
_“Matt?”_ Kelly says carefully to draw his attention, let him know of his presence, delicately laying a hand on his shoulder, _“you okay, bud?”_

But Matt flinches away as if scorched. _“Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!”_ he yells as he pulls away, his voice portraying his fear more than his anger.  
Kelly can see he's not entirely there, his mind having pulled him into his own world.

 _“Okay, Matt, calm down,” h_ e says, raising both his hand to indicate he’s not going to do anything against Matt’s will, but Matt isn’t there. His shouting soon turns to broken mumbles as he begins to hyperventilate with panic. _“Matt?”_ Kelly tries for his attention, his voice hard with determination.

 _“No! no,”_ Matt cries, his eyes wild with fear, his breathing erratic and unstable.

 _“Matt. You’re having a panic attack.”_ Kelly tries to explain, _“You have to calm down. Matt.”_ He tries for his attention again, and Matt’s eyes focus on him, his hand pulling against his own shirt, trying to release the tightness in his chest. He can see the fear in Matt’s eyes, the cry for help, asking Kelly to help him find control again.  
_“Sit down,”_ Kelly instructs, pointing to the bench near the wall. _“Head to your knees”_ he guides Matt, when he sees Matt following his words, _“and just breathe. In and out. In and out. You’re okay, you’re safe, just breathe.”_

 

 _“Can I hold you, Matt?”_ Kelly asks after a few seconds, in which Matt follows Kelly’s instructions, calmed somewhat but doesn’t seem to be able yet to catch his breath, _“it will help, it will give your body a reference to follow, an anchor,”_

 _“No, no,”_ Matt mumbles, shrinking in place and flinching away, his eyes hunting for Kelly’s next move.

 _“Okay, okay,”_ Kelly says, trying to elevate Matt’s stress, searching for a new solution. He crouches in front of Matt but keeps at a safe distance.  
_“Can you give me your hand, Matt? Just your hand,”_ he asks when Matt remains reluctant, his eye emitting safety and sincerity in answer to Matt’s fearful gaze. _“Place it against my neck, so you can feel my heart beating, my pulse, that’s it.”_ He says, waiting for Matt’s reaction, his decision to trust Kelly.

Slowly Matt stretches out a hand, searching for Kelly’s pulse point on his neck. His eye flittering between following his hand and finding Kelly’s eyes. But Kelly doesn’t flinch, nothing changes in his eyes as he holds Matt gaze, silently counting with him the beating of his own heart.  
At length, Matt’s breathing stabilizes with Kelly’s heartbeat. His breaths still shallow, but steadier and controlled. 

_“Good, Matt. You’re okay,”_

Matt nods heavily, exhausted. _“Tired,”_ he mumbles.

 _“Yeah,”_ Kelly replies softly, familiar with the toll of panic attacks take on the body. _“let’s get you to your bunk. You need to sleep it off.”_  
But Matt remains in place, a new worry forming in his head and Kelly sees he’s going to refuse. _“I’ll stay with you,”_ he promises, _“make sure you wake up if there’s a call, wake you up if you have a nightmare.”_  
Matt stares at him for a long moment, thinking over his words, weighing his possibilities as he fights his fatigue. Eventually nodding lightly in acceptance. 

 _“Okay,”_ Kelly smiles softly, _“wash up, I’ll go get my book from the Squad table and I’ll meet in your office, okay?”_ he waits for Matt’s nod before getting up from his place, making sure Matt gets up too. Then he leaves him in the locker room, to make his way to Matt’s office, closing the blinds before going to the apparatus floor to fetch his book, preparing for a night on the chair in Matt’s office.

..

Surprisingly, and luckily, the night passes without another call, and Matt gets almost a full night’s sleep, his physical exhaustion keeping any nightmares away. His sleep is deep and heavy, and when he wakes up early the next morning, he’s surprised to find himself at the firehouse, as his sleep there is usually light and friable.

 _“Sev,”_ he mumbles to the sleeping figure on the chair at his desk. Kelly wakes up at the sound of his name, his eyes moving to find Matt. _“I’m sorry,”_ Matt mumbles, guilt and regret already eating him.

 _“Good morning,”_ Kelly smiles breezily, stretching his limbs and taking no real notice of Matt’s apology. _“Coffee?”_

 _“Mmh,”_ Matt hums at the thought, already making his way out of his bunk.

 _“And then a shower, and then home,”_ Kelly says dreamily, yearning for his own bed.

 _“I’ll make a new pot,”_ Matt says as he exits his office towards the kitchen, his way of making it up to Kelly.

…

That evening, Kelly is reading in his room, (too tired from his uncomfortable sleep to actively do anything but still awake because he had caught a couple of hours rest during the day) when there’s a light knock on his open door. He lifts his eyes to find Matt standing at the opening.

 _“We still on for Game Night?”_ Matt asks, unsure.

“ _Uhh,”_ Kelly’s eyebrows raise in surprise, he’d hadn’t thought Matt would want the contact after what happened on shift. _“Sure,”_ he says as he gets up, straightening down his T-shirt. _“Come in,”_

 _“I was wondering,”_ Matt says as he steps in, taking his place on the ottoman, _“if you could show me what you meant yesterday, during the um, my panic attack. What you meant by, how you meant to… hold me, to help with the um,”_

 _“Yeah, sure,”_ Kelly comes to Matt’s aid, relieving him from having to explain any further, tentatively taking the seat next to him.  
_“I would have uh, circled one arm around your chest,”_ Kelly begins slowly, his arms moving up, indicating his meaning but waiting for Matt’s assent. Matt stiffens in his place but nods for Kelly to proceed, preparing himself for the contact. Kelly then scooches closer to sit behind Matt. He slowly laces his arm over Matt’s arm and around his chest, not yet applying pressure, _“And the other one on your stomach?”_ he waits again for Matt’s agreement before continuing, _“And I’d pull you to me, hold you against me, so that your body could feel the rhythm of mine. It’s not scientifically clear why it works, but it does medically work. It is what medics are trained to do in case of a panic attack.”_

Matt nods again, holding his breath, indicating to Kelly that he’d listened and understood and that he may proceed to bring their bodies together.  
They sit in that position for a moment, their bodies against each other, Kelly’s arms holding tight.

 _“_ Breathe _,”_ Kelly whispers when Matt has yet to release the breath he’s holding, and Matt exhales slowly, very conscious of every point of contact his body has with Kelly.  
After a few long minutes, Kelly can feel Matt become accustomed to his hold, his body not as rigid. Kelly lets up the tightness of his grasp but doesn’t move his arms away. _“You think you can lean back?”_

It takes Matt a few moments to respond. Hesitantly he lets himself go, lets his weight fall back onto Kelly’s side and chest. His arms, which until now were rigidly in his lap, move to rest on Kelly’s arms against his own body, and, eventually, his head falls back against Kelly’s shoulder. They sit there in silence, Matt eyes glued to the ceiling and Kelly can see he’s working through something.

 _“Why is it so difficult?”_ he asks eventually, his voice small and reflective, _“It never used to be so difficult. Not with Hallie, not with Dawson, not before.”_

Kelly’s not sure if he’s expecting an answer but when Matt doesn’t continue, he speaks carefully. _“I don’t know, Matty. Maybe because he succeeded to break your trust in something you’d never even questioned before. Took advantage of something out of your control and made you question yourself.”  
_ They both sit there, letting Kelly’s words sink. _“But you’ll get there,”_ Kelly promises, _“this is already progress compared to last week, right? So, we’ll get there.”_

 _“Matty?”_ Matt repeats tentatively, his head moving to allow eye contact with Kelly, “You haven’t called me that since…”

 _“Since the academy,”_ Kelly finished for him, reflecting on all the time that has since gone by, all the ups and downs they’ve been through. _“It just came out. Is it okay?”_

_“Yeah, yeah,”_

_“You want to talk about yesterday?”_ Kelly asks carefully, knowing this could be the end of their calm exchange.

 _“Not really,”_ Matt says but does not pull out Kelly’s embrace. _“It just confused me, I guess.”_

_“He’s dead, Matt, he can’t hurt you anymore.”_

_“I know.”_

 

 _“What did you mean by Harvey taking advantage of something out of my control?”_ Matt asks after a moment.

 _“Your looks. You can’t help the way you look, and he turned into a weakness in your head. Made you doubt yourself, and why people want to be close to you.”_ Kelly can feel Matt growing rigid again, knowing he’s hit a nerve.

 _“Pretty,”_ Matt mutters, his voice lined with anger as if finds the words offensive.

 _“Matt,-”_ but Matt gets up abruptly before Kelly can finish what he was saying. 

_“I don’t want to talk about that,”_ Matt says. _“Not with you, not now.”_

 _“Okay,”_ Kelly relents, trying not to take offense at Matt’s definite tone.

 _“I should go,”_ Matt says, his eyes to the ground, knowing he’s breaking one of their rules.

 _“Matt, wait,”_ Kelly tries, getting up to stand in front of Matt, _“no running away, remember?”_

_“I can’t, please don’t make me,”_

_“I won’t make you do anything,”_ Kelly says, surprised by Matt’s words, _“just look at me for a moment.”_

Matt’s eyes slowly climb to find Kelly’s gaze, and Kelly’s not even sure what he wants to say, he just doesn’t want Matt to run. They hold their gaze for a moment in silent communication. 

_“Thank you,”_ Kelly finally says, his words and sincerity surprising Matt. Matt’s eyebrows jump up, revealing his state. _“For staying, for trusting me,”_ Kelly clarifies simply.  
Matt looks at him for a moment before he nods in silent comprehension, stepping back towards the door and making his exit.

And Kelly, left alone again in his room, suddenly feels extremely exhausted, as if he’d not slept for days. He’s not sure why, but their exchange, though not long in duration takes an emotional toll on him, unexpected in its intensity, leaving him with just as many questions as Matt.


	6. Teeter

**6 | Teeter**

 

_“Hello?”_

_“Hey, Herrmann, it’s Casey,”_

_“Oh hey, Lieutenant, how’s it going?”_  Herrmann tries to hide his surprise at a call from his Lieutenant while they’re off shift. This has not happened in a very long time, and its peculiarity affords its remarkableness. 

 _“Uh, good, fine, thanks.”_ Matt mumbles, realizing just how weird this call might seem. He never calls one of his guys unless it’s to do with work, or something is up. But he can’t face Kelly after yesterday, and he can’t stay at home tonight, so he has to find a reason to go out. _“Uh, listen, I was wondering if you’re free tonight, thought we could meet up for a beer?”_

 _“I’m, uh, working the bar tonight, Lieutenant,”_ He hates to let Casey down, even if this is one of the most awkward conversations they’ve had. _“But, uh, you’re welcome to come, Wednesday is usually a quiet evening, we could probably catch some time together,”_ Herrmann adds, not wanting Casey to feel rejected, knowing how big of a gesture it is for Matt to call, to ask for company, especially after everything that had happened lately. Usually, if and when he does go out, it’s with Severide. They then might meet the gang at Molly’s, but Casey is not so much the one to initiate. He can hear Matt hesitate, and wants to ease his mind, something must be up if he’s calling. _“First beer is on me tonight,”_ he suggests, hopeful it’ll do the trick.

 _“Okay,”_ Matt concedes, talking himself into letting things come as they may. _“thanks, Herrmann, I’ll see you later,”_

_“Sure, Casey, any time,”_

With that they hang-up, both aware of the oddity of the situation, and now a bit stressed about their meeting tonight. Not that there’s something odd in meeting, just that they’ve never set it up so officially.

Matt tries to rationalize his decision; He’d asked, and he could hear Herrmann putting in the effort, then he couldn’t go back on his suggestion, though there is every chance Kelly will be at Molly’s tonight. But at least they’ll be in public, no chance to talk about yesterday, and Kelly will see Matt is not so desperate for company, that he’d taken his advice about the rest of the house.  

At least Matt hopes Kelly would see that and ignore the fact that he’s avoiding him because it was too hard to deal with having run out on him yesterday. Nothing even happened yesterday, yet he couldn’t stay, he’d had to leave, had to get some fresh air and clear his mind. Because that was the thing – as close as Kelly could come, he, thankfully, couldn’t know the dark twists Matt’s mind sometimes took.

Pushing these thoughts away, Matt forces himself to refocus on his work. Having left early to avoid Kelly this morning, he's got a good head start and therefore might even succeed to finish ahead of schedule. _See,_ he smiles to himself, trying to convince himself that avoiding Kelly was the right decision, _it’s not all bad._

_…_

_“Lieutenant,”_ Herrmann greets when Matt steps into the bar that evening, already leaning down to grab a beer for Matt.

 _“Hey Herrmann,”_ Matt smiles frankly, taking the man’s affectionate greeting to heart. Sometimes he forgets to appreciate the extent these guys care for each other, him included. He’s been so obsessed with keeping everything under wraps, he’s seemed to forget they genuinely care for his well-being; Are genuinely happy to have him around. Matt knows better than to take it for granted, berating himself for his behavior, before an idea comes to his mind.

 _“You come from work?”_ Hermann asks as Matt takes a seat on the bar, setting a bottle of beer in front of him.

_“Yeah,”_

_“What you working on?”_

_“A ramp,”_ Matt says, _“like the one we built for Mike Duffy, you remember?”_ Herrmann nods slightly and Matt continues. _“My clients, they have an 8-year-old with MS, she’s just begun using a wheelchair.”_ He’s not sure why he’s telling this to Herrmann, maybe to share the load, maybe to remind himself there are worse things than what he’s been through. “ _Her parents want to make it as easy as possible for as long as she’s got...”_ He adds as an afterthought.

 _“That’s… heavy,”_ Hermann reflects, caught unready by what Matt’s just told him. _“You’re doing God’s work, Casey.”_ He says raising his bottle to salute Casey.

 _“I do get paid for it,”_ Matt tries to downplay his role.

 _“Yeah, well. I’ve seen your prices, and knowing your soft spot for children, I have the feeling you’ve helped them out more than would be strictly beneficial to you,”_ Herrmann grins knowingly.

 _“Maybe,”_ Matt answers, smirking bashfully.

 _“Cheers,”_ Herrmann says, raising his bottle, waiting for Matt to clink his bottle.

 

Just then the door opens and Kelly steps in. Surprise washes over his features as he spots Matt seated at the bar. _“Hey,”_ he goes up to him, greeting him carefully.

“ _Hey,”_

 _“What can I get you, Lieutenant?”_ Hermann’s jolly voice breaks into their short familiarity. 

_“A beer, Christopher, thanks,”_ Kelly wait for Herrmann to be busy with his drink before he turns to Matt again, gauging his mood, _“Haven’t seen or heard from you all day,”_

 _“Sorry,”_ Matt feigns innocence, _“made plans to meet Herrmann,”_

 _“Okay,”_ Kelly plays along, his voice just slightly ringing with disappointment. _“Just glad to see you’re okay.”_

_“Why wouldn’t I be?”_

_“No reason.”_ He says his eyes following Herrmann as he comes back with Kelly’s drink. “ _Thanks, Herrmann, I’ll see you guys later,”_ he mutters to both of them as he takes his beer and goes to find his own company to sit with. He’s not sure why he’s so agitated by Matt’s aloof conduct, his own reaction completely foreign to him and their relationship, but Matt’s indifference strikes closer than he’d like to admit, edging on insulting both of their integrity.

 _“Everything okay?”_ Herrmann asks carefully, knowing not to go too personal with Matt.

 _“Yeah,”_ Matt says, his eyes following Kelly’s trajectory _, “Roommate’s stuff,”_ he shrugs, trying not to let Kelly’s tone ring in his ears. _“So, I was thinking,”_ Matt starts again, pulling his attention from Kelly to focus back on Herrmann. _“I think it’s time for one of our famous Truck meets.”_ He grins, knowing Herrmann will jump on the opportunity.

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah,”_ Matt’s grin widens at Herrmann’s enthusiasm. _“Steaks on me, if you’ll provide the location and the grill,”_

 _“Absolutely. You just tell me when and I’ll let Cindy know. She’ll bake you a pie. It’s been a while since you’ve been over,”_ He says, meaning well but portraying his concern at Matt’s reserve lately, making Matt’s smile tighten with guilt. 

_“Great,”_ He says, letting Herrmann’s comment pass them by. _“I’ll ask the guys, we’ll find a date, I’m sure they’d all be happy for pie.”_

_…_

To his surprise, when Kelly returns later that night, he’s not alone. Matt, sitting in his room, unadmittedly waiting for Kelly’s return, quickly turns off his light, listening as the two fumble their way outside his door, heading to Kelly’s room.

He’s unsure how he feels about this, a thought coming to his mind if, perhaps, Kelly is doing this to spite him, immediately scolding himself for his own ridiculousness and unfairness; Kelly had set it as a clear term between them, that they were both allowed to do as they want. That he’d meant to go on with his lifestyle. Matt had no right to jealousy. _Was that what this is?_ But why did Kelly have to bring her to their home? He hadn’t done that in months, he’d always made sure he’d spend the night at his date’s place, knowing how uncomfortable Matt was with strangers, and careful to keep their apartment safe for Matt.

Matt takes notice, again, how these past few months, Kelly had set Matt’s needs above his own, and Matt, as with many other things, had taken it for granted. His guilt over his treatment of Kelly eats through him throughout the night, awarding him very little sleep.

…

_“Morning,”_

_“Morning, you look worse than me,”_ Kelly says as he assesses Matt’s features early the next morning as he comes into the kitchen before they leave for shift. _“Rough night?”_ he asks with a smirk, hiding his concern.

 _“Something like that,”_ Matt says with a shrug.

_“You okay?”_

_“Yeah,”_ Matt says, his tone subdued. _“You had a good night?”_

 _“Not complaining,”_ Kelly shrugs as he finishes his coffee, getting ready to leave.

 _“I’m sorry about yesterday,”_ Matt utters quickly, insecurity written on his face, stopping Kelly mid-stride. _“it was shit of me, and I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”_

 _“Good,”_ Kelly says, his tone more accusing than he’d meant. Then his voice softens some, _“I do worry about you, Matt. Last time I didn’t hear or see you, it took us almost 12 hours to find you, and it was face down and bleeding on a beach when I did.”_   
He doesn’t mean to blame Matt, but his words portray the depth to which he’s been affected by Matt’s ordeal. That’s perhaps the core of it, with everything they’ve been through, their sessions, though meant to help Matt _,_ have an emotional effect on Kelly he just can’t seem to deny.

_“I know, but nothing is going on, I just needed to get my head around things.”_

“ _You promised that Game night won’t change anything.”_

 _“I know, and I’m working on it. It’s why I’m standing here right now.”_ They look at each other for a moment, both surprised at the earnestness of their communication.

 _“We have to go, or we’ll be late,”_ Kelly concludes, wrapping up their moment and setting them back on a practical track. Both unsure where they stand, or how to go on but feeling lightened to have cleared the air.

 _“Yeah,”_ Matt nods in acceptance, _“I’ll see you there.”_


	7. Reflection

**7 | Reflection**

_“How long for Squad?”_ Matt yells over the roaring fire into his radio. Squad having been called earlier to another scene, Truck and engine were now alone at a house fire, which turned out to be an underground sweatshop. Luckily, none of the 12 victims in the basement seemed to be hurt but the fire had succeeded to take over the building, and the windows of the basement were too heavily bolted to get inside on time.

 _“8 minutes out,”_ comes the answer over the radio.

 _“Shit,”_ Matt mumbles, realizing it’s up to Truck to find a solution. Thinking quickly on his feet, he strategizes a way out, through the only door possible amidst the roaring blaze.   
_“We’ll create a human tunnel,”_ he tells his men, _“our gear will have to serve as a barrier from the fire, as the victims run in a chain between us and get out.”_ A general nod signals that everybody has understood and accepted. It’d mean standing a bit longer in the heat of the fire, but it would save the chaos of everyone going in and out of the basement. _“Mouch - Halligan, Herrmann - you lead the chain.”_ he deploys orders as they prepare to enter.

Once the door to the basement is broken in, the firefighters align across the room, side by side, the flames licking at their backs, as Herrmann, inside the basement, instructs the victims to hold hands, leading them out the basement and through the barricade of firefighters, to the safety outside the house. Once the victim-chain is safely out, Matt speaks again into his radio, his eyes on Mouch standing across from him at the opening of the basement door.

_“Mouch and I are going to do a final search of the basement, everybody else out, and stay out.”_

_“Quickly, Casey,”_ Chief roars from outside.

_“Copy, Chief.”_

_“Basement is clear, Chief, we’re coming out.”_ Matt’s voice rings a minute later, as they’re already making their way out, Matt behind Mouch, soon to be blinded by the sunlight outside the dark smoky house. Matt strides away from the building to safety, before taking off his headgear, filling his lungs with air, when he’s approached by the chief, a wide smile on his lips, and his hand extended for a shake.

 _“Well done, Lieutenant,”_ he compliments, and Casey can’t help the bashful smile spreading on his lips.

_“Everyone okay?”_

_“Everyone’s okay.”_ The Chief affirms, _“No more than minor smoke inhalation and panic.”_ He says, pointing at the various female victims surrounding the ambo.

 _“Guess you can call Squad off,”_ Matt says smiling cheekily.

It’s then they hear the house creak loudly, one last grunt before a great rumble is heard indicating collapse. Chief turns to his men, taking the lead on the situation. _“Open those hoses,”_ he yells as he furthers away from Matt, who is already making his way to the truck, _“let’s get this fire under control.”_

_…_

_“Heard you had a great save,”_ Kelly says a few hours later, smiling, as he leans against Matt’s office door. Matt turns at the sound of his voice, beaming bashfully, before bringing his features under control again.

_“Yeah, team effort, everyone did a great job,”_

_“Take the credit, man, you deserve it.”_

_“It’s not a big deal,”_ Matt insists _, “couldn’t have done it alone.”_

_“Whatever, man. You okay?”_

_“Yeah,”_ Matt answers truthfully. _“Hey, you want to hit the boxing club tonight? We’ve been talking about it forever, I think it’s time I take you up on your offer.”_

 _“Sure,”_ Kelly answers, a tad surprised at Matt taking the initiative, _“we can take my car, and swing by after to collect yours,”_

 _“Okay,”_ Matt nods in agreement _,_ thinking over Kelly’s plan and how oddly easy it seems to be between them.

 _“Okay,”_ Kelly sums, thinking along those same lines. Then he turns around and leaves Matt’s office letting them both get on with their work.

…

 _“Matt, take off your hoody,”_ Kelly says looking at Matt’s sweat-dripping form as they work out at the boxing club, _“you’re going to overheat,”._

The high concrete walls keep the place relatively cool, but they’ve been at it for over an hour, rotating different exercises and taking turns on a punching bag. Matt’s clothes are now soaked through, his hair sticking out in every direction, yet he doesn’t seem to be ready to relent. 

_“Na, I’m fine,”_ Matt mutters in answer, concentrating on the punching bag in front of him.

_“What’s gotten into you?”_

_“Nothing,”_ Matt answers, letting his arms down as he looks at Kelly, _“I just haven’t been here for a while, and I’m happy for the opportunity.”_

 _“Okay, drink this,”_ Kelly says, an authoritative tone to his voice as he hands Matt a bottle of water. Matt eyes him for a moment before taking off his gloves and reaching the bottle, drinking half of it down.

 _“Aren’t you warm?”_ Kelly asks again, comparing his bear arms to Matt’s hoody-covered form, knowing he has a t-shirt under it.

 _“A bit, so? It’s good though, the more you sweat, the more you cleanse, right?”_ he tries to lighten Kelly demeanor.

 _“So, take it off,”_ Kelly says, not buying Matt’s act, his hand moving to tug lightly at Matt’s hoody.

 _“No!”_ Matt barks angrily, flinching back, causing Kelly to pull back his hand, his eyebrows shoot up into his forehead. _“Sorry,”_ Matt soon recovers, _“just leave it, okay?”_

_“Matt, what’s going on?”_

_“Nothing. Just leave it.”_ he says quietly, soon adding, _“I’m more comfortable like this, okay?_

And Kelly suddenly understands what stands behind Matt’s insistence. He nods his head, mumbling an apology and moving to stand behind the punching bag again. _“You ready for a final round?”_ he asks, trying to set them back on course, though his mind reels with questions. Matt silently gets up, putting the gloves back on, planting himself back in front of the bag, he plunges mercilessly into another set. 

…

 _“Thanks for the ride,”_ Matt says as they reach the firehouse again, his hand already on the door handle. _“Can we do Game Night tomorrow night?”_ His tone is nonchalant as if it’s the most mundane discussion.

 _“Sure, yeah,”_ Kelly answers, trying to cover his surprise.

 _“Great. See you at home.”_ With that Matt opens the door and leaves the car. His phone beeps a moment later as he gets into his own car with a message from Kelly:

_‘Wear a hoody with a zipper for G.N.’_

…

When Matt comes into his room the next evening, wearing a zipped hoody like Kelly asked, Kelly sees the tension radiating from his body. The balance between them changed again after Kelly’s message, Matt is already on edge, alarmed, he’d come in but it’s as if one foot is out the door.

 _“I’m not going to touch you today, Matt,”_ he says to calm his friend, even before he greets him _. “And if you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to.”_

 _“Why do I need the zipper?”_ Matt inquires suspiciously.

 _“Because we need you to undress, and a zipper will give us options.”_ He can see the apprehension in Matt’s eyes as he mentions undressing. _“Do you trust me, Matt?”_

 _“Yes,”_ Matt answers as if he’s reminding himself as much as Kelly.

Kelly comes closer to where Matt is standing, his voice softer, Matt’s eyes following his every move. _“I’m not going to touch you, but I do want to look at you. I want you to let me look at you,”_ he says as he looks into Matt’s eyes, seeing the thoughts reeling in his head, knowing his touched a sensitive topic.

_“No,”_

_“I know what your body looks like Matt, I know about the scar, I’m the one that found you remember?”_ he says calmly, trying to reason with Matt’s anxious mind. _“I was with you at the hospital when you were sick. I’ve seen you around the flat and in the locker room. We’ve both seen each other plenty of times, this is nothing new. But I want you to show me. I want you to let me look.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because it’s part of it, Matt. Your body is part of who you are, it’s part of sex, it’s part of what women, people, are attracted to. And you have nothing to be ashamed of.”_

_“I’m not ashamed,”_

_“Okay, good. So, let me see, take off your hoody. You have a T-shirt under it, right?”_

_“Yes,”_

_“So, let me see. Look,”_ Kelly says as he steps back, his hands raised in a sign of resignation, _“I’m stepping back, I’m not going to do anything other than look at you.”_ He says as he sits down at the edge of the bed.

 _“I don’t want you to look at me.”_ His voice betraying him and portraying all his fears and insecurities as it pleas quietly.

 _“Do you want us to stop?”_ Kelly asks, well aware of his choice of words. When Matt doesn’t answer he pushes forward. _“You remember we talked about change? If this has changed you?”_ he asks carefully, _“Well it has changed the way you see your body, Matt. You used to walk around here in your boxers, we’d run shirtless on the promenade, you didn’t have a problem changing in the locker rooms. Now you’re always in long sleeves, you take your clothes with you to the bathroom at home, you change in the toilet on shift. That’s change, Matt.”_

_“He took pictures of me in the locker room.”_

_“I know,”_

_“He wanted…”_

_“I know, but he’s dead, Matt. He can’t hurt you anymore if you don’t let him.”_

Matt sits down heavily on the ottoman, across from Kelly. He looks hurt and lost and scared.

 _“I don’t want it to have changed me,”_ he says yieldingly. And Kelly waits, patiently, for the battle in Matt’s mind to come to a conclusion. Matt’s fingers eventually climbing to the zipper of his hoody.

 _“Close your eyes,”_ Matt requests, and Kelly follows, bowing his head and closing his eyes, waiting for Matt’s approval, that he may look. He can hear Matt work the zipper quickly, and a surprising swoosh of fabric. _“Okay,”_ Matt says, and Kelly opens his eyes to find him sitting rigidly but bare-chested, T-shirt still in his hands, his eyes to the floor.

They sit in silence for a moment, Kelly feeling uncomfortable at being so direct with Matt, though he knows Matt is aware he’s looking at him, taking him in. The last time Kelly had the opportunity to really see Matt’s body, Matt was still sick. His body now clearly healthier, fitter, his skin firmer and of better color.

 _“You’ve been working out,”_ Kelly observes, his tone going up as if in question at the end of his sentence. Matt’s eyes move to find his as he speaks, his hand unconsciously scratching at his scar.

_“Yeah, so?”_

_“Nothing.”_ Kelly tries to abate Matt’s defensive, _“you look better. Is that what was the boxing ring was about?”_

_“I don’t know what you mean.”_

_“Matt,”_ Kelly’s tone indicates he’s not buying Matt’s feigned innocence _._

 _“I was too weak.”_ He answers abruptly, angry with himself. _“I can’t be that weak again.”_

 _“You’re not weak, Matt. He drugged you. There was nothing you could do. No amount of working out would have helped.”_ When Matt doesn’t seem to be appeased, he continues. _“You succeeded to overcome him, succeeded to get away from the boat, succeeded to swim back to shore, survived below zero waters, survived the cold and the blood loss. You are not weak.”_

 _“I shouldn’t have been in that situation in the first place,”_ Matt argues, and Kelly gets a glimpse of how complicatedly the things are entwined in Matt’s head. Unsure how to go on and what to say.

 _“Are we done?”_ Matt asks harshly after a moment.

 _“No. Unless you want to stop, we’re not done.”_ They eye each other for a moment, fuming, though more out of exposure than out of anger.

 _“What else do you want?”_ Matt asks a slight exasperation in his tone.

 _“I want you to do it again.”_ Kelly says firmly, _“slower, and I’ll have my eyes open.”_

Matt expression changes at the sound of Kelly’s words. Trepidation fleeting in his eyes before determination takes over, and he quickly almost angrily puts his clothes back on. Slumping back against the wall when he's done, his eyes on Kelly.

Then something changes in him as he thinks about what he has to do next. He swallows thickly, his brow creasing in concentration, his eye burrowing into Kelly, as he begins the reverse process again, pulling the heavy fabric into his fingers, his other hand on the zipper. He ever so slowly pulls on the zipper, his eyes descending with it as he folds into himself the more he’s exposed.

The zipper’s decent hampered by the waves in the material, Kelly can see Matt’s struggle, his eyes becoming moist at the exposure and the feeling of vulnerability, his jaw locking into place as he breathes through it in determination, blinking away his weakness. Kelly’s eyes don’t leave Matt’s face, the trajectory of Matt’s fingers forgotten. With a swift tug, Matt’s hoody is off his shoulders, his fingers moving to remove his t-shirt, discarding it on the floor beside him.

 _“Now you,”_ he demands quietly, his features stern with resolve, taking Kelly by surprise. But Kelly complies, his fingers moving to his own zipper, he slowly takes it off, their eye contact breaking only when Kelly tugs his t-shirt over his head. His questioning look bringing Matt back into the moment. His eyes curiously roam over Kelly’s chest and shoulders and arms before they climb back to meet Kelly’s eyes. After another long moment, he moves to pick his t-shirt off the floor, intending to pull it on.

 _“Wait,”_ Kelly stops him, getting up and opening his closet door, _“come here,”_  

Hesitantly, Matt steps forward but his eyes fall to the floor as he comes to stand in front of the mirror.

 _“Look, Matt,”_ Kelly encourages him, waiting for him to raise his eyes to his own reflection. _“Tell me what you see.”_ But Matt remains silent, his eyes hardening at the sight of his own body, a hard frown adorning his brow.

Kelly moves to stand next to him, his reflection joining Matt’s in the mirror. He can see Matt’s eyes moving to look at his body through the mirror, his features softening with curiosity _. “Tell me how you see my body,”_

 _“Strong,”_ Matt mutters almost immediately, his eyes taking in Kelly’s chest and shoulder-breadth and abs.

_“And yours isn’t?”_

_“No,”_ Matt insists darkly. _“Smaller. Weak.”_

 _“You’re shorter than I am, Matt. You’re built differently. But that doesn’t make you weak.”_ Kelly insists with just a much assertion.  _“Look with your eyes Matt, look at the facts: it’s all muscle here, I can literally count eight abs,”_ he says as he points out Matt’s figure, before letting his arm fall, _“how can that be weak?”_

But he’d lost Matt somewhere along the way. Matt had gasped at the sight of Kelly’s hand on the reflection of his body, his eyes now locked to the mirror. _“Do that again,”_ he whispers.

It takes Kelly a moment to realize what Matt means. Then he raises his hand back to the reflection of Matt’s abdomen in the mirror. His fingers trailing lightly along the lines of Matt’s muscles before steadying, as though lying open across his stomach. Matt watches silently, his features not giving away anything.

Eventually, his hand raises, taking hold of Kelly’s wrist, pulling it gently from the mirror and turning his hand to face Matt’s body. He holds it there, hovering between the mirror and Matt’s skin, until he feels safe enough to let go, to let Kelly keep his hand there without Matt’s aid, trusting him not to proceed without Matt’s request. His eyes move to watch the reflection again, taking in the illusion of Kelly’s hand on his body.

Tentatively he takes a step forward, his body making contact with Kelly’s hand. _“No,”_ he utters immediately as he feels Kelly’s skin brush against his and steps back away, putting distance again between them.  
Then he turns away and gathers his shirt from the floor, pulling it on. Focusing expectantly on Kelly, but not giving any regard to what had just happened _. “Now what?”_

 _“You want to go on?”_ Kelly asks, surprised, overwhelmed by Matt’s determination and the clear cut he’s just made. He wonders if he should address it, or rather follow Matt’s lead and change the subject, allow Matt to focus on something else and postpone for later the analysis of their progress. Matt nods once, pulling the hoody back on and taking his place on the ottoman. Kelly moves to dress himself, his mind reeling as he searches for their next step. _“Well, I guess we can try me removing your hoody?”_ Kelly suggests carefully.

He can see the thoughts fleeting again in Matt’s eyes and waits for his nod before he comes to kneel in front of him. His hands climb up slowly in Matt’s view to take hold of the material of his hoody and the zipper. He can feel Matt tense at the proximity and realizes he’s holding his breath.

 _“Matt?”_ he whispers, trying to gauge Matt’s state.

 _“No, no don’t,”_ Matt whispers, petrified.

_“I’m not going to touch you, Matt, this won’t go beyond the zipper,”_

_“No. Don’t,”_ Matt begs, frozen in place, his eyes shut tightly. “ _Stop. I want you to stop.”_ He manages to grasp the words firmly, his eyes flying open, desperately watching for Kelly’s next move. And Kelly lets go immediately, his hands falling to his lap, he lets his weight fall back, making him sit on the floor in front of Matt, watching as Matt fights to get his breathing and himself under control.

 _“Thank you,”_ Matt says through his pants, _“sorry,”_ he adds after another moment.

 _“No,”_ Kelly reassures, _“you don’t need to apologize. That’s what the safe words are for, to give you control. You did great, Matt. I’m proud of you.”_

Matt looks at him skeptically, weighing if his words are trustworthy, doubting himself at his inability to complete their task.

It’s as if Kelly reads his thoughts when he adds _, “This isn’t a failure. Taking control isn’t a failure. And you did a lot of work today. This is progress. This is good.”_

_._

_“You okay?”_ Kelly asks after another moment in which they just sit, looking at each other, Matt’s features composed again as he nods.

 _“Yeah,”_ Matt sighs.

 _“You want to go do something else? I have the game from Tuesday recorded…”_ Kelly offers, hoping Matt will take his offer and not close down.

 _“Sure, sounds good,”_ Matt says, exhaustion showing its toll on his form.

And they get up, and make their way to the living room, Kelly busying himself with the DVR, while Matt pulls two beers out the fridge, and with that, they’re back to being two guys watching a game, roommates, doing ’normal friendship things’, both knowing, gratefully, that there’s much more to it.


	8. Lap/Dance

**8 | Lap/Dance**

_“I want us to try something,”_ Kelly says their next Game Night when Matt’s taken his seat, looking at him expectantly. _“I want you to come sit on my lap.”_

_“What? No. Why?”_

_“Because, part of letting people in, of opening to them, is learning to lean on them.”_

_“Why would I need to sit on any body’s lap? It’s not something that’s going to happen in a relationship with a woman. If anything, it’ll happen the other way around.”_

_“Do you want me to sit on your lap?”_ Kelly smirks knowingly before turning serious again. _“It could happen in a relationship with a man,”_ Kelly points out, _“and it can happen with me. I think letting someone hold your weight is part of trust; of letting yourself be held. It’s part of not being alone.”_

He knows he’s struck a chord with that, can see the gears starting to turn in Matt’s mind before he gets up and hesitantly comes to stand in front of Kelly. Not yet moving to sit in his lap, still weighing his options. Kelly waits patiently, looking at Matt as he comes to his decision.

 _“Lean back,”_ Matt requests, his voice portraying his guarded mistrust. Kelly smiles slightly as he moves his hands to hold his weight against the bed. Matt then touches the outside of Kelly’s thighs, making sure they’re closed together. He looks up at Kelly again, assessing, gauging its safety and Kelly’s sincerity. It feels ridiculous, but Kelly looks at him so earnestly. With another bite to his lips, he slowly turns to sit down, still at the edge of Kelly’s thigh, his legs together at Kelly’s side, still holding most of his weight.

Kelly lets him adjust to it before encouraging him further, _“Sit, Matt. Give me your weight, it’s okay,”_ he says gently, and Matt complies timidly. His legs lift slightly from the floor as he sits fully in Kelly’s lap, now unsure what to do with his hands. But Kelly doesn’t hurry him into anything, letting him just sit, feel their proximity, come to terms with letting himself be held. 

 _“I haven’t sat in anyone’s lap since I was six,”_ Matt says quietly, his eyes on his entwined fingers. _“Heavy?”_ he asks suddenly, concern covering his face.

 _“Not too heavy,”_ Kelly answers trying to put him at ease, not wanting it to become an issue, _“I can handle it,”_

_“Sorry,”_

Slowly Kelly sits back up, bringing his weight back to be at his center and narrowing the space between them. Matt closes his eyes briefly as Kelly adjusts his position, hanging on to words to calm himself. _“Hallie loved to sit on my lap.”_ He smiles at the memory, his eyes moistening, _“I remember the first time she did it. You were there,”_

 _“I remember,”_ Kelly answers softly, his smile turning into a chuckle, _“she was trying really hard to get your attention,”_

 _“I couldn’t get my eyes off of you,”_ Matt confesses from within the memory, unnoticing.

_“What?”_

_“You were wearing a gray T-shirt, cut at the sleeves.”_ Matt points to Kelly’s shoulders as if demonstrating, his fingers hovering above his skin before he distractedly lets his hand fall onto Kelly’s shoulder, stabling himself against it. _“She climbed into my lap, laughing, announcing she wanted and deserved all my attention that night. Our first kiss was that night when she was still on my lap.”_

 _“We were so young,”_ Matt ponders after a moment, his eyes raking over Kelly’s features, landing on his hair. _“Your hair wasn’t as gray,”_ he teases.

 _“Nice, Matt, Thanks,”_ Kelly answers, chuckling. Then his face falls serious again, his eyes finding Matt’s, his arms slowly circling around him, one spread around his waist, the other laying over his knees.

 _“I wouldn’t let Gabby sit on my lap,”_ Matt confesses, his eyes searching Kelly’s _,_ _“It always felt like I was betraying Hallie, to have Dawson in her place. I always made her get up quickly. Is that bad?”_

 _“No,”_ Kelly answers reassuringly, _“first love… it has its own place. I also have things I could never do again after Renee. I guess it's because it comes on a completely clean slate, and it forms certain things for us, for good or bad.”_

 _“I’m going to part my legs just a bit, and you’re going to sit a little lower, okay?”_ Kelly says after another while in which they sit in silence. His voice is calm, and patient, the one he uses with people he helps on calls. Matt nods lightly in understanding, holding tighter as he feels himself fall into the gap in Kelly’s lap, his body incapable of holding his weight in this position.

 _“This is like abseiling,”_ Matt jokes nervously, _“That’d make you the harness,”_

 _“Well, that’s a first. Don’t think I’ve ever been called that,”_ Kelly quips, happy at Matt’s relaxed stance.

 _“Thank you for rescuing me, Kelly Severide,”_ Matt teases in a sweet voice, mockingly batting his eyelids, but an underlying truth rests beneath his light tone.

 _“Nah, you don’t need rescuing. I’m just helping out,”_ Kelly answers, his arms wrapping a bit more securely around Matt’s body. Watching as Matt’s smile fades at the sound of Kelly’s words, his features settle back to their neutral and focused expression. _“Matt?”_

 _“Let me down,”_ Matt says seriously, trying to move out of Kelly’s lap. _“I think it’s enough of this.”_

 _“Don’t leave, okay?  I have another idea for us to try,”_ Kelly says as he carefully helps Matt off his lap and up to his feet. He’s not sure what’d caused Matt change in mood, but perhaps he can still be distracted into some other sort of activity, allowing him to stay in the room instead of going off into his dark place. _“I thought we could dance,”_ he offers, pulling his phone from his pocket, fiddling to connect it to the wireless speaker and chose a song.

 _“Dance?”_ Matt’s tone is back to guarded and suspicious.

 _“Dance,”_ Kelly says, already offering Matt his hand. _“It doesn’t have to be too close, just, dance, like you’d dance with your grandmother at a wedding.”_

_“I don’t have a grandmother,”_

_“Shit, well, like you’d dance with my grandmother at a wedding,” Kelly tries._

_“I don’t know… your grandmother is kind’a hot,”_ Matt mocks as he lets the idea sink in _,_ _“but she can get quite grabby if you know what I mean.”_

 _“No, ughh, when?”_ Kelly feigns shock, using the opportunity to come closer to Matt. His fingers brushing against Matt’s, he gently takes his hand and raising it to shoulder height, letting Matt initiate the contact of their other hands.

Silently agreeing, Matt lightly lays his hand on Kelly’s shoulder, his elbow only slightly bent, Kelly’s hand stretching under it, supporting as it takes hold of Matt’s shoulder blade. It’s the least contact they can have, but they’re connected, and they slowly start to sway with the music.

 _“Academy graduation,”_ Matt continues their conversation, though his now shaky voice gives away his nerves. _“I guess she went a bit too loose on the free booze,”_

 _“Family trait that,”_ Kelly says darkly, catching Matt by surprise. _“Sorry,”_ he quickly apologizes. _“You never told me that,”_

_“Yeah well, we were young and beautiful, she was drunk, eventually I was drunk and forgot about it. It really wasn’t a big thing. More of a pinch than a grab. How is she doing, anyway?”_

Kelly doesn’t miss Matt’s use of the word beautiful but decides against pointing it out. It’s so rare to hear Matt saying something positive about himself, Kelly doesn’t want to make him self-conscious. _“Old,”_ Kelly sighs, _“she’s okay, but she really is becoming old now,”_

_“I’m sorry,”_

_“No, it’s fine. It’s the way it’s supposed to happen, right?”_ Kelly looks into Matt’s eyes, edging himself a bit closer to him. _“There’s something comforting in that: knowing at least one person who’s lived to grow old,”_

 _“Yeah,”_ Matt says reflectively, his body inching a tad closer into Kelly’s hold.

 _“This is still awkward,”_ Matt notes insecurely after a few minutes.

_“Is it?”_

_“I’ve never danced with a man before. Who’s leading?”_

_“Right now, I am,”_

_“So, if we were in a relationship, would I always be in the female position?”_

_“What?”_ Kelly's not sure if he's more surprised by Matt's conclusion or his assumption. 

_“You know, the one sitting on your lap, the one being led, or carried, or… the weaker one,”_

_“What? No. I wish you didn’t see it like that,”_ Kelly’s surprise at Matt’s initial question soon turns into frustration at his insistence to see himself as weak. _“Do you want to lead?”_ he asks, stopping his movement, they stand in front of each other, hands still in place.

_“No, sorry, I was just thinking out loud.”_

_“I don’t see you as weak, Matt. I don’t know how to prove it to you.”_ Kelly’s hand fall from Matt’s body, as his tone gets heated _._ _“If we were in a relationship, I’d hope you’d hold me like you’d let me hold you. I’d hope you'd be a place for me to let go of everything else. A place to rest, to get energy from or comfort. Strength, in that sense, is not defined by our physical features. I may not sit in the lap of the women I date, but eventually, I let them hold me.”_

 _“Sorry,”_ Matt says, quietly, hearing the bitter tone in Kelly’s voice, ashamed at both doubting Kelly and being unable to fulfill such needs.

_“It doesn’t make me weak.”_

_“No, it doesn’t,”_

They stand in silence for a moment, unsure how to go on, something having soured in the moment.

.

 _“You need a haircut,”_ Kelly remarks suddenly, having taken the time to look at Matt.

 _“What?”_ Matt's eyes shoot up in surprise. “ _I know_ _… I just... hairdresser and touching and small talk… I’ve been putting it off”_

_“You want me to do it?”_

_“What?”_

_“It won’t be fancy, but I can do it. Short and clean…it’ll postpone hairdresser for another while…”_

_“Um,”_ Matt’s hand absentmindedly comes up to his hair as he thinks over Kelly’s offer. Confused by the sudden shift in their conversation and Kelly’s willingness to do this for him despite their recent squabble, or whatever it was. _“Now?”_ Matt tries to gauge what Kelly means.

 _“If you want,”_ Kelly shrugs, _“whenever,”_

_“Um, okay, yeah. Now?”_

_“Sure. My razor is charging in my bathroom, we’ll do it there,”_

Matt follows him into the adjacent toilet, standing at the door, watching Kelly organize everything he needs. 

_“Here,”_ Kelly says, handing Matt a towel _,_ _“you want to take your shirt off?”_ he asks, suddenly aware of another step in this blurred session that needs to be crossed. Matt silently pulls off his hoody and t-shirt, very aware of Kelly’s presence and proximity, his features becoming reserved and guarded. Wrapping the towel around his shoulders, he holds it together at its corners, waiting for Kelly to guide him. Kelly points out the stool he’d set in front of the mirror in the middle of the room. He waits for Matt to take a seat.

 _“You ready?”_ he asks softly, and Matt nods once, his eyes trained on Kelly’s reflection standing behind him.

 _“Oh, wash your hair,”_ Kelly realizes suddenly they’d skipped a step, pointing at the sink. He figures Matt won’t want him to do it for him, somehow, it’s way too intimate to wash somebody’s hair. He lets Matt do it on his own, watching as he sticks his head under the tap, letting the water reach everywhere, before he pulls his head out, and covers it with the towel, his fingers working to dry it, and water still dripping down his neck. Then Matt takes a seat again, finally folding the towel back around his neck, drying his ears, before looking at Kelly through the mirror.

 _“Okay,”_ Kelly says, suddenly unsure. _“Here we go,”_ he turns the machine on, holding it buzzing next to Matt’s ear as he takes a final glance at Matt through the mirror.   
Slowly he pushes Matt’s head down, to gain better access, his right hand setting the machine against Matt’s nape. 

The tension in the room becomes palpable, their easy banter while dancing replaced with concentrated silence as they both don’t dare to breathe. It’s only when Kelly finishes the first furrow, cleaning the machine of the first wad of golden hair, that they both let air out of their lungs, now acquainted with the situation. Kelly looks up again, finding Matt’s eyes in the mirror, smiling, and Matt’s mouth curves crookedly up, trying for a smile but not entirely getting there.

Though they don’t speak throughout their experience, the silence turns more comfortable, the small room affording their rising intimacy though they do not dare note on it. By the end of it, Kelly carefully cards his fingers through Matt’s now short hair, the excuse of cleaning away excess hairs a mere excuse they’re both willing to accommodate.


	9. Curve Ball

**9 | Curve Ball**

_“Hey Lieutenant,”_ Herrmann greets him as he arrives on shift, _“great news - Boden said we could use his boat for the Truck meet. Said it should be fully renovated in two weeks and can fit everyone including the children. They’re gonna love that.”_

 _“B-boat?”_ Matt tries and fails to hide how affected he is by the idea, his mind whirling with memories and images.

_“Yeah,”_

_“What about your backyard? Kicking the ball around with Luke and Lee Henry?”_

_“Well,”_ Hermann can now see Matt’s paling features, he becomes unsure of his own enthusiasm but pushes forward with his idea. _“They can do that any day. I thought the boat would be a nice adventure, and it would ease things on Cindy with organizing everything at the house. Is there a problem with doing it on the boat?”_

 _“No, no problem,”_ Matt is quick to answer, quick to defuse any concern and sign of weakness.

_“Ok, great,”_

_“Two weeks?”_

_“That’s what Boden said.”_

_“Okay, great,”_ Matt answer pensively, his voice negating his words.

.

It wasn’t easy for Matt to go on with his duties after that; his mind filled with images, confusing memories, and fears, prevented him from concentrating on his work. Giving up on the isolation of his office, where he had only his mind for company, he tried to join the rest of the house in the main room, but a rising feeling of anxiety made him edgy and impatient, his body searching for a release for the nervousness building in his muscles.

 _“Truck,”_ he exclaims suddenly, getting up from his seat _, “Drills. We meet in ten minutes on the apparatus floor.”_ He orders before leaving the room to get ready.

 _“Okay, who did what?!_ ” Mouch asks loudly, trying to find a culprit for Casey’s foul mood but Herrmann quickly signals to him to drop it, his eyes worriedly following their lieutenant through the glass windows.

Forty-five minutes into their drills, they’re actually relieved when the alarms go off, calling them away from their grueling work-out to some actual emergency. Secretly, they all hope the call will discharge Casey’s agitation, as he’s been extremely tenacious during their exercises.

…

 _“Have a seat, Lieutenant,”_ Boden instructs gravely him as he closes the door to his office. Having just arrived back from a call, Boden requested Casey come see him. _“I got a call from the CFD legal department, with the claim of unfitting conduct on a call_.” Boden’s eyes drill into Matt as he tries to gauge his reaction. _“You want to tell me what happened?”_

_“The guy wouldn’t leave. The house was going up in flames and he was busy collecting money notes and photographs, completely disregarding our instructions.”_

_“You’ve encountered such situations before, Casey, yet I’ve never had a complaint about misdemeanor and manhandling before.”_ Boden doesn’t relent.

 _“If I didn’t get him out of there when I did, it would have been a recovery, not a rescue.”_ Matt insists on his correctness. His tone turning accusing and mocking. _“Let me guess, he’s also going to sue the CFD for all the money that went up in flames.”_

 _“It’s not about him, Casey.”_ Boden doesn’t bite. _“Last week I put you up for commendation on your brilliant work at the sweathouse fire, and this week I find myself reprimanding you. Is there something going on? Something I should know about?”_

_“No,”_

_“You’re not a violent man, Matt.”_ Boden’s prods, his tone tinged with surprise, but Matt refuses to engage. _“I can’t have you here if your head’s not in the game. Do I need to send you home?”_

 _“No,”_ Matt answers a bit too quickly, a slight panic rising inside him at the thought of being alone with his thoughts and nothing to do. _“My head is in the game, Chief. It won’t happen again.”_

 _“No, it won’t.”_ Boden determines concludingly. _“I’ll take care of that attorney, but you make sure we don’t find ourselves in such a conversation again.”_

_“Yes, sir.”_

_“Dismissed.”_ Boden’s voice rings with disappointment in Matt’s ears as he makes his way out of the chief’s office.

It’s only under the stream of hot water in the shower, that he finally lets himself think and feel anything other than the hard façade he’d put up in front of his peers. The picture Boden had painted of his actions, portrays someone entirely foreign to him, scorching his gut at the realization he cannot recognize himself in Boden’s words. Overcome by a feeling of complete loss of control, he collapses against the tiled wall, fighting the tears prickling in his eyes.

…

 _“Cheers, babe,”_ Kelly whispers as he clinks the beer bottle lightly against the headstone, swigging lengthly out of it as if to drown his next thought. He doesn’t care how early it is, it’s their thing, and it hurts and he holds on to the bottle as if it’s the key to fucking everything. _“God, I miss you, Shay. I wish you were here.”_

In a way she is, he knows she is, she always is. He feels she’s watching over him, is fully aware of everything going on. But he still has the urge to talk, switching between saying the words out loud and thinking them in his head, knowing she can hear them anyway.  
Sitting with his back against the headstone, he looks around at his calm surroundings, finding it very unfitting to the bubbly personality of his dead best friend, who always preferred her windows to be open and her music blaring to keep her company.

 _“He’s so fucking scared,”_ he says suddenly, in the middle of a different thought, knowing she’d know who he’s talking about. _“all the time.”_ And I don’t know what to do; if I’m doing it right.

 _“You remember that day?”_ not long after you’d first moved in, I told you about him? You had the stupidest smirk on your face as I talked, but you wouldn’t tell me why. Then you said we have to take care of him; You, Andy, Hallie and me, we have to be everything he didn’t have, have to fill all the holes he carries around with him. And I know I screwed up after Andy died. I know. But I’ve tried to make up for it since, I think I have, _“I hope I have…”_

He saved my life when you died, Shay. _“Helped me put back the pieces. Didn’t let me be alone.”_ Now you and Andy are gone, and Hallie… I don’t know how he does it, lives with so much loss, after everything... He doesn’t give up, keeps fighting, God, he’s fighting so hard, Shay. I wish I could take it all away, all his pain. He so doesn’t deserve any more pain. _“And I don’t know if I’m doing it right.”_ I don’t know if I’m enough; if I’ll ever be enough, and he’s so scared. _“And he’s the only one left for me too.”_

_._

_“Kelly,”_ He’s pulled abruptly from his musing, confused at the sudden materialization of the subject of his thoughts, wiping quickly at his watery eyes.

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly’s surprise is evident in his voice as he rises to his feet turning to face Matt. _“How long have you been standing there?”_

 _“Not long,”_ Matt answers ruefully _, “long enough,”_

_“How’d you know where to find me?”_

_“I know what today is, Kelly. And you weren’t at home, so I figured…”_

_“Three years,”_ Kelly reflects sadly.

_“I’m sorry, I miss her too,”_

_“I know. Thank you for coming.”_ They stand for a moment in a comfortable silence, their eyes on the gravestone in front of them. _“There are days where I forget,”_ Kelly confesses suddenly. _“I wake up wanting to tell her something, moments where I find myself waiting to hear her voice or her laughter, to see her around the firehouse,”_ he swallows thickly as he tries to take control of his emotions. _“And then it all kind of crashes down on me again,”_

Kelly’s words hang in the silence between them. Then, to his surprise, Matt nears him slowly, tentatively stretching an arm out to touch his shoulder, then pulling Kelly gently against his body, his arms circling around Kelly’s shoulders. Hesitantly, Kelly allows himself to wrap his arms around Matt’s slender figure, almost holding his breath with surprise and gratitude at Matt’s embrace. They hold each other for a moment, taking comfort in each other’s arms.

 _“I love you, Matt,”_ Kelly says softly into Matt’s ear, weary of Matt’s reaction but unable to stop himself.

 _“No, don’t,”_ Matt pleads but doesn’t move.

 _“I can’t help it,_ ” Kelly’s voice is as small as Matt’s, almost apologetic. _“You’re my brother, my best friend.”_ he clarifies what he means. _“Whatever is going on in that head of yours, I want you to know – you’re important. You’re needed, you’re loved.”_

 _“Stop,”_ Matt whispers, his voice breaking as uncontrolled tears roll down his cheeks. _“Please stop.”_ He was meant to be the one comforting Kelly, but somehow, with Kelly’s words, the tables have turned. Kelly begins to pull back, release his hold of Matt as he hears their safe-words coming from Matt’s lips, but Matt hurriedly stops him. _“No,”_ he says, tightening his hold, nuzzling deeper into Kelly’s shoulder, _“Just stop talking_ ,” he begs.

 _“I messed up,”_ Matt mutters onto Kelly’s skin. _“I messed up.”_

 _“You’re allowed.”_ Kelly tries to calm him, unsure what he’s talking about. _“We all mess up at times. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”_

 _“I’m not who you think I am,”_ Matt argues, his arms releasing Kelly as he pulls back, folding into himself.

 _“Yes, you are.”_ Kelly insists, his hand remaining on Matt’s shoulder. _“What’s happened?”_

But Matt shakes his head and shrugs Kelly’s hand off his shoulder. His walls coming up.

 _“You wanna get out of here?”_ Matt offers after a moment, changing the subject, reclaiming his place as comforter rather than comforted. _“Go home and have a Shay-PJ-Day?”_

 _“Movie marathon?”_ Kelly asks with mock hope.

 _“Pizza and Tequila,”_ Matt promises.

 _“And ice-cream,”_ Kelly adds.

 _“Yes.”_  Matt grins, _“But not mint-chocolate-chip. That was one thing Shay got wrong.”_

 _“The one thing,”_ Kelly corrects, grinning as wells.

_“The one thing.”_

_…_

_“I don’t want it to be like before,”_ Matt says hours later as Kelly busies himself with changing the DVD to begin another film. Though his words came out of the blue, Kelly knows exactly what he’s referring to.

It had taken the time, the empty Tequila bottle and the two pizza boxes scattered between them, for Matt to open up, his eyes glued to his spoon as he absentmindedly digs into the ice cream container in his hand, not really eating but moving the liquidating substance around. Though he’s not yet back to going about the apartment in his boxers, Kelly knows not to challenge Matt’s decision to spend their PJ-day in long sweats. They aren’t in a session, and he needs Matt’s company today just as much as Matt needs his.

 _“It’s not,”_ Kelly promises as he gets up from the floor and takes his seat next to Matt on the couch. _“You’re not alone in this, Matt. All you have to do is talk. Let out what’s going on inside your head.”_

 _“I lost control yesterday on a call.”_ Matt confesses, _“Manhandled someone out of the fire.”_

Kelly looks him over silently. He’d hardly call that loose control, knowing some situations require a rougher hand than others, but it’s not so much about rational thought than about Matt’s perception of himself. _“Did he get hurt?”_

_“No, just pissed off. Enough for Boden to call me into his office.”_

_“Could you have done it differently?”_

_“Probably,”_

_“You worried about repercussions?”_

_“No,”_

_“What is it then?”_

_“I should have been more in control, more patient...”_

_“Why weren’t you then?”_ Kelly can see the thought flitting through Matt’s mind, sensing he’s touched the nerve that has been plaguing Matt. His impatience, his aggression being a symptom of something lying deeper.

 _“I need your help,”_ Matt says quietly, almost ashamed.

_“You’ve got it. Just tell me what you need,”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support and comments! It really means a great deal and gives me much needed encouragement.  
> I've recently hit a writer's block/insecurity, and so this is the last chapter I have already written down. The rest are outlines.  
> I'm not giving up, but it might take longer. (also RL is setting its own deadlines...)  
> Picpicpic


	10. Kiss and Tell

**10 | Kiss and Tell**

His limbs are shaking, his heart pounding loudly in his chest as he stands in the boatyard gathering the courage to climb up the steps onto the land-bound boat Kelly has organized for them. Though it’s not a boat Kelly is working on, he’d talked to his friend and arranged the possibility for Matt and him to use it, to help get Matt over his trauma-induced fear. And though it’s not the exact model Harvey had used, it’s the closest he could find – a small fisherman’s boat with one room inside and a deck big enough for two people.

 _“You okay?”_ Kelly asks from beside him, seeing his paling skin and heaving chest.

 _“Hm-hm,”_ Matt mumbles as if he believes it, clenching his fists at his sides, clinging to Kelly’s words as they loop in his mind like a mantra: _he’s dead - he can’t hurt me – dead - can’t hurt me – dead – can’t…-_

 _“You ready?”_ Kelly asks tentatively, not wanting to rush Matt but meaning to pull him out of his head and back to reality.

 _“No. Yes.”_ Matt answers determinedly, _“Stay with me?”_

 _“Every step of the way_ ,” Kelly promises.

With another deep breath, Matt begins to walk up the steps, distracting himself with conversation, his voice small and low. _“I don’t remember climbing into the boat,”_

 _“You were unconscious, drugged, he probably carried you in,”_ Kelly answers hesitantly from behind Matt.

 _“There was a table, set for two,”_ Matt says, as he stands on deck, pointing to the middle of the deck as if he sees it in his mind’s eye _. “He wanted me to sit and eat, s-said I was his, dragged me to the table.”_ Kelly can see Matt’s body shaking with the memories, but he doesn’t dare stop him. _“I let him – I agreed to go sit, thinking there would be a knife on the table, s-said I’d love to have dinner. He said I look lovely in red, p-perfect. There was a steak knife on the table. I asked for water, I knew he’d drugged me. I knew it was the wine. Asked for something that wasn’t on the table, so he’d have to leave. My hands were shaking. I stood at the door when he came out and threatened him to turn the boat around. We struggled,”_ Matt moves back and forth along the small deck, retracing the way his struggle with Harvey had unfolded. _“He pushed me, and I hit my head, but I used the momentum of the boat to push him back. That’s when he stabbed my arm. I don’t think he meant to, he just lost his balance. He freaked out after that, seeing the blood. Went to bring the first aid kit. That’s when I knew I had to get out of there. I found the life ring.”_ He’s on his feet, reaching for the life ring, placed exactly where the life ring on Harvey’s boat had been, then he stands at the boat’s edge, like he did that night, the life ring on his arm _. “I knew I had to jump. Heard him come back and knew it was the only way. Even if I didn’t make it out the water. I didn’t want him touching me anymore.”_ Kelly comes to stand beside Matt at the deck’s rail, scared he’s about to jump overboard as he’s lost in his own memories.

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly says quietly, too scared to touch Matt in case he spooks him, _“Come back. You’re not there anymore. You’re safe.”_ It takes Matt a moment to react, his eyes glued to the ground below the boat as if he’s watching the dark waters under Harvey’s floating boat. _“Matty, please,”_

 _“Sorry,”_ Matt mumbles when he's conscious of his surroundings again. He lets the life ring fall to the ground and walks inside the small cabin. Kelly follows him inside to find him looking around the small room. Where Harvey had a bed made, there is only a mattress-less wooden frame, but the ceiling of the room is tilted slightly, like in Harvey’s boat.

 _“Where are the pictures?”_ Matt mumbles, as his eyes scan the empty wall. His voice lined with surprise as if he’d expected them to be there. _“There were pictures of me everywhere,”_ he waves his hand across the wall, “ _dozens of them.”_

 _“This isn’t the same boat, Matt,”_ Kelly answers with worry and confusion.

 _“No, I know, but where are they?”_ Matt asks, turning to look at Kelly, and Kelly can see he’s back with him, in reality, no longer lost in the past.

 _“They’re at the police station, they’re evidence.”_ He says carefully.

_“Did you see them?”_

_“Some,”_ Kelly admits, _“A few.”_

 _“I wish you hadn’t. I wish they didn’t exist anymore.”_ Matt says tiredly. _“Case is closed, Harvey’s dead. You think PD would let me have them? so I could destroy them?”_

_“I don’t, Matt. We could ask, but is that really what you want? Does it really matter?”_

_“I guess not,”_ Matt says defeatedly, sitting down on the wooden bed-planks. Kelly carefully joins him, sitting next to him. They sit in silence for a moment.

 

 _“I have dreams of that evening,”_ Matt admits suddenly.  _“Nightmares. About things he didn’t even do. Like my mind extends reality into everything I was afraid was going to happen, instead of just what happened._

 _"I woke up on the bed and he was standing above me. And his eyes,”_ A shiver runs through him at the memory. _“I still see his eyes in my dreams. Malicious. They glinted when he smiled, when he took off my clo-"_

Matt’s breath hitches in his throat and a tear rolls down his cheek. Kelly wishes he could hold his hand, remind him he’s not alone, that he’s strong and that he’d survived it. But he knows he can’t be the one to initiate contact right now; It has to come from Matt, otherwise, it’ll send him further back into his confused state, in which touch was forced upon him. “ _I begged him to stop. I did – I begged. I didn’t care anymore how weak it sounded. I couldn’t move my arms or legs to fight him off – so I begged.”_

 _“That’s not weak,”_ Kelly whispers, wishing the words would finally register in Matt’s mind. _“You did what you had to do to survive.”_ But it’s as if Matt doesn’t even hear him, surprising him instead with another admission.

“ _I wasn’t hard. When he undressed me, pulled down my boxers. He, he was disappointed that I wasn’t hard. I lost consciousness after that.”_

 

 _“I was so scared,”_ Matt whispers after a short silence, his words weighty with guilt.

 _“So was I,”_ Kelly admits, taking Matt by surprise. It’s not what he’d meant to say, but he has to make Matt see he isn’t at fault, isn’t weak _. “When I came back to the apartment, and you weren’t there and the door was broken in, I knew something was wrong… when Voight told me about the GHB and Rohypnol… When we couldn’t find you, when I finally did, and your pulse was so weak, barely there, I… I thought I’d lost you. I thought… I haven’t been that scared since that beam fell on your head.”_

To his surprise, Matt takes a light hold of his hand, entwining their fingers, as if trying to console Kelly. Kelly’s reminded of their hug in the cemetery, realizing, perhaps this is what Matt’s need – to care for someone else, for Kelly, instead of himself – to allow himself contact and comfort and touch.

 _“But it’s also what kept me going, –”_ Kelly goes on, _“the fear – I couldn’t let go, I had to find you. And it made you keep fighting in the same way, - keep looking for a way out, off that boat. It’s not a weakness to be scared Matt, it’s a defence mechanism…”_

 _“You don’t believe me, do you?”_ Kelly asks when he sees Matt’s eyes closing, as he rests his forehead against their hands.

 _“I want to,”_ Matt answers, _“I do. I trust you, I just… I close my eyes and I see his eyes and I… can’t,”_

 _“So, see my eyes instead,”_ Kelly suggests without thinking, his voice tight. He pulls their hands to turn Matt to him until Matt’s blue gaze meets his. He feels a bit ridiculous now that he’s caught on to what he’s saying but he pushes forward, his voice ringing of sincerity. _“Imagine my eyes when you close yours. Replace his gaze with mine. What do you see?”_

 _“You,”_ the words fall from Matt’s lips, as he drowns in Kelly’s eyes, _“Us. Me. Safety. I see how you see me. I see how -”_ But whatever it is he meant to say, remains on his lips. His eyes widening slightly with surprise before he closes the small space left between them and kisses Kelly. Just a flittering touch of warm lips, as if he’s trying to taste the feeling of security Kelly evokes in him.

_…_

_“I kissed him, I kissed Kelly,”_ Matt blurts out with panic as he sits in the chair across from his therapist the next day _._ He’s been playing it over and over in his mind since the day before, and was now anxious to voice it, to understand it and what it meant. _“It wasn’t even in a session. I… I kissed him."_ He grunts with shame at the memory, rubbing his face with his hand.

Dr Stravinsky, though surprised by his sudden admission, tries her best to keep her features schooled and impassive. Though Matt truly was trying to get over his fears and difficulties, he never was one to talk much. She usually had to pull information from him, and now he’s arrived, impatient, and opened their session with this declaration. And she can see he’s troubled by it. It isn’t a good thing for him, he doesn’t see it as progress at all. She wonders if that should be the goal of this session, to see the initiation of intimate (sexual?) contact as a positive progress, regardless of his feelings towards the partner of said contact (Kelly Severide).

 _“Were you drunk? Was there alcohol involved?”_ she asks trying to put the focus on other aspects of the matter rather than those she knows to disturb Matt, those he’d rather avoid.

 _“No,”_ Matt answers almost defiantly as if offended by her question.

_“That’s good. How did it happen, then?”_

_“We, I – I asked Kelly to take me on a boat,”_ he says, gauging her reaction as this is also news to her. _“To, um, confront me with a boat, because we want to have a Truck-meet on a boat and I panicked and,”_

 _“Matt,”_ Stravinsky interrupts kindly _, “slow down,”_

 _“We were on a boat at the boatyard.”_ Matt begins again after taking a breath, slowing his pace to allow her to follow. _“Not on the water, but in a boat, like the one Harvey had when he… when he kidnapped me.”_ He pauses to see if she’s with him and she nods for him to continue _. “I asked him to take me because I needed to prepare for a Truck meet on a boat. Last shift I, I panicked when I heard it was going to be on a boat, I lost control, things got out of hand, so I asked Kelly for his help to… to deal with it – to overcome my… fear.”_

It’s the first time Matt uses such terms in a session with her. The first time he’s admitting to feelings coming up from his ordeal with Harvey. Until now he’d use terms like _uncomfortable_ or _inappropriate_ or _fine_. _Fine_ was the queen-term in their sessions.

_“That shows a lot of trust in him, Matt, that’s very good.”_

_“Yes. Well, I do trust him. Kelly. I trust Kelly completely. It’s why I asked him to help me with… with Game Night.”_

_“Right. Go on. You were on the boat.”_

_“We were on the boat, and I found myself telling him what happened that night. Everything. And then we were in the cabin – in the room that looked like the room on Harvey’s boat. And I told him about my nightmares, about Harvey’s eyes, how I see them in my nightmares. And then he suggested…”_

_“What did he suggest, Matt?”_

_“He suggested I replace Harvey’s eyes with his. That I imagine his eyes, every time I see Harvey’s.”_

Surprisingly, Stravinsky finds she’s not completely against the idea. If Matt could do it, it might be useful to manipulate his mind away from his nightmares. _“And what do you think about this idea?”_

_“I don’t know. I don’t know if it’d work. If it’s not… odd, to imagine my best friend’s eyes instead of the eyes that terror my dreams.”_

_“Let’s hold off the judgment for just a moment. Go on, what happened then?”_

_“I looked into his eyes, to try to remember them, to commemorate them to my mind, to form an image I could recreate, and I saw… I saw how different they were from Harvey’s.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

Matt breathes deeply, trying to form the words to explain himself, knowing he’s going to have to conjure painful images in his head. _“When Harvey’s eyes were glinting at me, when I was on the bed, and even before, before the boat, - it was like I could see what he meant to do to me, what he wanted. I could see there was something hidden behind them, a salaciousness – like he wanted something from me, that didn’t really have to do with me. I don’t know if I can explain it… but Harvey saw something in me and decided he wanted it, even though he didn’t know me, he didn’t want to know me – me. He only wanted the picture in his head.”_

_“That’s a very good point you’re making, Matt. Very important. That was part of Harvey’s illness. In that sense it didn’t have to do with you; it wasn’t your fault. Can you see that?”_

_“Yes,”_ Matt says insecurely, _“but also no,”_

_“It’s okay, it might take time for you to believe it. But you do know it. You said you saw it in his eyes.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Can you say a bit more about that?”_

_“I think, I think the reason I’ve been having problems with contact, with touch, ever since Harvey, is because I don’t know what they want. I mean, I know, when I’m with a woman I meet in a bar, that she wants sex, but, I don’t know what they want – if they’d want anything else from me – If there’s something behind it like there was with Harvey. Maybe that doesn’t make sense.”_

_“It’s not about sense, Matt. It’s your experience and it’s legitimate. What about Kelly?”_

Matt closes his eyes briefly, to conjure Kelly's eyes before he goes on, his voice calmer as he lets the feeling of Kelly's eyes wash over him. “Kelly’s _eyes were different. There was nothing malicious hidden there. He didn’t want anything from me. His eyes were blue and calm and open. I could see myself in them like he sees me. I could see everything we’ve been through – good and bad, ups and downs, gains and losses. I could see how he felt about me. See his love.”_

 

_“Is that news to you?”_

_“No,”_ Matt says a bit guiltily, _“He’s told me. He said it again a few days ago – in the cemetery.”_

_“But now you saw it?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“And how did it make you feel?”_

_“Safe. I knew I was safe with Kelly. Whatever happens. Kelly sees me, knows me. He doesn’t want more than I can give.”_

_“Is that why you kissed him?”_

Matt’s eyes open wide as they rise to meet the doctors gaze as if she’d reminded him something that he’s forgotten _. “Maybe. I don’t know. And I don’t know what it means.”_

_“What would you like it to mean?”_

_“Nothing. I wish it didn’t happen.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because it’s going to confuse things. I need Kelly as a friend, as my best friend. As a flatmate. I need him for Game Night. We can’t confuse things.”_

_“I thought touch was part of Game Night. That the goal of Game Night was to get you accommodated with touch again, sexual touch as well.”_

_“It is.”_

_“So, why do you see this kiss as a divergence from Game Night instead of a success?”_

Matt’s confused look as he takes in her words makes it clear she has made her point and hit the nail on its head.  
His kiss with Kelly was not out of fear, or practice, but out of a genuine moment of emotions and trust, and intimacy. He recognizes the trust, he just isn’t willing to consider the emotions as an opportunity for a sexual relationship.

 _“I’ll leave you with that for next week, Matt,”_ Stravinsky concludes their meeting _. “I must say, you’ve done a lot of good work for this session. The realizations you’ve made today are key to moving on healthily from what happened. Whatever it is that has made it possible, I suggest you keep on doing it.”_

 

 

**10.5 | FLASHBACK**

Matt lies that night in his bed, thinking over his conversation with Dr. Stravinsky. Thinking over everything he hadn’t told her; hadn’t had the time and was too overwhelmed to put into words. How Kelly made everything right after that moment, made everything seem simple again. Made it possible for them to go on, together. How he didn’t push Matt to anything, yet succeeded to help him overcome yet another fear. Hadn’t made him talk, but kept him out of his own head. Didn’t waver at Matt’s requests, didn’t leave him. He finds his awe and gratitude of Kelly growing even deeper.

…

_“You,” the words fall from Matt’s lips, as he drowns in Kelly’s eyes, “Us. Me. Safety. I see how you see me. I see how -” But whatever it is he meant to say, remains on his lips. His eyes widening slightly with surprise before he closes the small space left between them and kisses Kelly. Just a flittering touch of warm lips, as if he’s trying to taste the feeling of security Kelly evokes in him._

_The awareness of what he’s doing crashes into his mind, and he pulls back with a loud gasp, his eyes huge with horror. “Sorry,” he says, scrambling to his feet, “God, shit, sorry, I didn’t m-“_

_“Matt,” Kelly mumbles as his mind catches up with Matt’s fleeting figure, “Matt wait, wait! Stop!” he orders just as Matt reaches the door, teetering on his heels at Kelly’s words. “Please,” he’s not above begging if it’d keep Matt there with him, within sight – his uncertainty about what Matt’d do if he left scares him to the bone. “Please,” He doesn’t dare move, “don’t go; Don’t run.”  
He can see matt warring with himself. Fighting his fears, his embarrassment, his instinct to run. Battling to keep their deal and stay with Kelly. “You don’t have to talk, at all, all day if you don’t want to. Just stay with me, please.” Let me take care of you. “Let’s get out of here; Go on with our day. Go swimming, grab a burger on the way home.” He can see Matt’s mind working around his suggestion, though his lips are tight and his eyes ablaze. A small eternity passes between them until something folds inside Matt, and without a sound he nods his head, agreeing, semi-reluctantly remaining by Kelly._

_.._

_It’s only when they climb out the car, Kelly having driven them to a secluded spot near the boatyard where the water is clear, that Matt fires a few short sentences. His voice, uncontrollably harder than he means._

_“It didn’t mean anything,”_

_“Okay,”_

_“I don’t want to talk about it.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“I want you to forget it.”_

_Kelly can’t fathom what to answer to that. He can’t decide from one moment to the next what to forget. Nor does he want to forget it. He’s quite sure he’ll be playing it over and over in his head; Matt’s proximity, his warmth, his blue blue eyes, how he’d said ‘safety’ and saw right through Kelly. Kelly isn’t even ashamed that everything is out now. Obvious. No, he won’t forget. On the contrary, he’ll treasure it, keep it safe, add it to his ever-growing catalogue of everything Matt._

_Instead, Kelly pulls his off his shirt and walks towards the water, discarding most of his clothes in a pile at the edge of a lonely, wooden pier jutting into the water. He jumps in without looking back, though he feels Matt’s eyes on him, knows he’s watching intently.  
He dives deep, his arms stretched wide to glide him through the water, clearing his mind. ‘He’s terrified,’ he reminds himself, trying to find his inner peace to be able to let it go and come back to Matt patient and accommodating again. He sees the sun twinkling gold on the surface of the water, Everything is blue, and he makes his way back up, back to air, and the sun and Matt, which he knows is counting the seconds, waiting for him to resurface safely._

_“Come in,” he tells Matt when he’s wiped away the excess water from his face. He can see Matt’s inner debate, his eyes skimming the water suspiciously. “The water’s great,” He promises. “and I’ll be right here.”_

_Matt’s eyes move to find Kelly’s as he hears Kelly’s acknowledgement of his silent fears. He hasn’t swum since that night, in which he’d swam for his life, swam until he couldn’t move any longer and then dragged himself up the coast until he was sure, as sure as he could be in his fatigued and confused state, that the water couldn’t pull him in again._

_“I have a spare change of clothes in the car if you want…” Kelly adds, tracing another of Matt’s thoughts without confronting him with his weaknesses. After another moment, he relinquishes eye contact and starts swimming, widening the gap between them, giving Matt the time and space he needs._

_Matt hesitates still, fighting to gain control of his head, to reason himself into joining Kelly, into taking off his clothes. He doesn’t want to need another set of clothes. Kelly has seen everything already. The water will cover everything anyway. Kelly’s safe. That thought, along with a rising dull pain in his gut as Kelly moves further away into the water, pushes him into action and he finally rids himself of his clothes, coming to sit at the edge of the pier, his legs dangling over the edge. He looks at Kelly’s ebbing back and at the water at his feet and then he slowly slides himself into the water, letting it engulf him._

_The water is cold but not impossible, and he reminds himself he can swim. And that he’ll be warmer if he moves. Then Kelly is magically at his side, smiling, his eyes sparkling, and Matt can’t help but grin tentatively back at him._

_“Swim with me,” Kelly asks in a soft voice, nodding his head once in the direction of the horizon, and Matt nods his accent. And they’re off._


	11. Trick and Treat

**11 | Trick and treat**

_“Mgph,”_ Kelly groans loudly as he sits down heavily on the sofa next to Matt. It’s been four days since the boat day. The boat and swimming day. The boat and swimming and kissing day. _Kiss; singular_ , Matt reminds himself, _and it didn’t mean anything_. Four days and this is the closest they’ve come to one another since. They’ve been treading excruciatingly carefully around each other these past few days, and Matt’s not even sure anymore if he’s the one initiating the distance. Sitting on the couch watching the news, out of the corner of his eye Matt’s been following Kelly move around the apartment slower than usual ever since he came in less than an hour ago.

 _“You okay?”_ he asks as Kelly’s tries to find a comfortable position, wincing all the while.

 _“Fine,”_ Kelly says, his eyes on the tv, _“Think I pulled a muscle at work.”_

_“You gonna be okay for shift tomorrow?”_

_“Of course I am,”_

_“You’re groaning like an old man,”_

_“It’s just uncomfortable when I move,”_ he says nonchalantly. _“or breathe. Actually, it hurts like hell.”_

_“Painkillers?”_

_“Taken two, waiting for them to kick in. Can’t take anymore.”_

_“Hm,”_ Matt nods understandingly, and they fall silent again, watching the end of the news before it changes into something else.

 _“Maybe I could help,”_ Matt offers softly, his eyes not leaving the tv-set.

_“What?”_

_“Hallie and I, we once took a weekend crash course in Thai massage… maybe I can help.”_

_“You wanna…?”_ Kelly says, surprised, his hand pointing at his back.

_“If you like, maybe it will ease the pain,”_

_“Okay, yeah, sure,”_ Kelly jumps on the opportunity. When he’d come up with his plan to thaw things between Matt and him, he’d figured Matt would want to help but never thought he’d suggest something that involves so much contact.

 _“Wait here,”_ Matt says as he gets up, _“I’ll just go bring a few things.”_

 _“Should I…?”_ Kelly asks, tugging the front of his shirt in indication.

 _“Um, no, you can leave it on,”_ Matt says, looking back over his shoulder already on his way to his room.

_“Here,”_ he says when he comes back, rolling open a thin Yoga mattress on the floor and covering it with a towel. _“Lie down on your front, hands next to your head.”_

 

 _“Where?”_ Matt asks hesitantly, now crouched on his knees at Kelly’s side, spreading another towel over Kelly’s back.

_“Middle, left side, like between my shoulder blade and lower back,”_

_“Latissimus Dorsi,”_ Matt mumbles as he begins to prod lightly at Kelly’s back, slowly working to heating the muscles of his back with light pressure and compression _. “Kelly, breathe, try and relax, it’s not going to hurt, I promise,”_ Matt encourages as he notices Kelly holding his breath. He’s not sure if it’s in anticipation or nervousness and the thought confuses him _. “Or, is this too weird? Do you want me to stop?”_ he asks, already pulling his hands away.

 _“No, it’s fine.”_ Kelly hurriedly reassures him, raising up on his elbows to be able to look at Matt. He’s overwhelmed by Matt’s care and confidence. A self-assurance he hasn’t seen in so long, he wants to prolong it as much as possible, wants to enjoy it, bathe in it. He wants Matt to enjoy it, hoping his over-awareness won’t jolt him back into his insecurity.

_“But it is weird isn’t it?”_

_“No, for me it’s not. Is it weird for you?”_

_“Um, maybe a little, when I think about it,”_ Matt shuffles uncomfortably in his place.

_“Will it help if we call it a Game Night? Will it make it less weird for you to think of it as another Game Night session?”_

Matt looks at Kelly in the eye, trying to gauge his meaning, but there’s no mockery in his tone or his face, only sincerity tinged with just a bit of concern. _“Maybe,”_ he mumbles an answer. _“Yeah, okay,”_ he nods to himself in decision, then leans back toward Kelly, signalling for him to lie back down, a concentrated look now settling on his face, his eyes sharp and focused as he plans his actions.

An odd silence sets over the room, as Matt begins to work, pressing and pulling at Kelly’s muscles. Kelly tries to keep his moans and groans as quiet as possible, afraid Matt will misinterpret them and freak out, but at last, he gives up and gives in to the pleasure. Matt’s arms are strong but his fingers nimble and delicate as he manipulates Kelly’s back, releasing aches Kelly wasn’t even aware he had. If Matt cares (because there’s no way he doesn’t notice) he doesn’t say anything but keeps working, adjusting his ministrations according to Kelly’s responses. Kelly silently praises himself for the success of his plan, managing to forgive himself for the white lie that brought it into play.

Mostly it’s Matt’s hands that come into contact with Kelly’s back or legs as he pulls them up to stretch the muscles, but sometimes, when he leans firmly into Kelly’s back, Matt’s knees or thigh press against Kelly’s sides. He’s not sure if Matt’s aware of it, but he can feel a scorching heat where their bodies touch.

 _“Turn over,”_ Matt requests after a long while, _“on your back,”_ and Kelly has to take a moment to check the situation at his front before he allows himself to roll over on his back. He’d changed into a loose pair of pants when he’d come home, and it does nothing to hide his semi-hard penis when he’s lying on his back.

 _“Sorry,”_ he mumbles when he sees that Matt has noticed, his breath hitching in his throat and his hands hesitating suddenly.

 _“No, it’s fine,”_ Matt swallows thickly, averting his eyes and refocusing on folding Kelly’s legs. _“It happens sometimes, it’s normal.”_ He says blankly as if trying to remind himself as well as Kelly.

 _“Right,”_ Kelly grunts absentmindedly when Matt presses the weight of his torso against Kelly’s knees, now folded to his chest.

 

 _“Better?”_ Matt asks a short while later, sitting back on his heels after he’s done folding Kelly in every which way. There’s a light sheen of sweat on his forehead, and he’s panting slightly, but his eyes are clear and his posture somehow calmer.

 _“Yeah, actually, great,”_ Kelly answers, stretching his back, and lying back down. _“Thanks. Feel like I could sleep for a week like I have no bones,”_ he smiles limply up at Matt, and Matt returns a soft smile.

_“Get comfy on the couch, then. We can watch a film. If you want…”_

_“Sure, just give me a minute,”_ Kelly says, still lying on his back.

 _“I’ll be right back, pick a movie in the meanwhile,”_ Matt says as he gets up and makes his way to the toilet.

It’s only there, in the confined space of the toilet that he lets everything wash over him. He realizes the proximity he’d shared with Kelly, the contact of their bodies. His muscles hum from the exertion and with a light wave of adrenaline rushing through him. Kelly had gotten hard when Matt touched him. _Not hard_ , he corrects his initial thought but definitely affected _. It doesn’t mean anything,_ he tries to remind himself again, _it’s a common reaction._ But his mind doesn’t rest. Does it mean something? What does it mean? Would he like it to mean something? He knows Kelly’s comfortable with him, with his body. He knows Kelly cares for him, loves him, like a brother, a best friend. He feels that too, the attachment, the safeness of Kelly, the security he feels to be himself with Kelly, a confidence he’s been missing within himself. His eyes meet his reflection in the mirror. His mind flicking between images of how he used to see himself, and what he sees now. He seems… smaller now, darker, more guarded. He knows that, but with Kelly, there are moments where he feels differently, a bit like his old self. Can Kelly feel it too? Does he tell Kelly enough how much he helps him? And what he means to hi  ̶

 _“Matt?”_ Kelly’s voice floats in from the living room, waking him from his thoughts.

 _“Yeah, coming,”_ he answers back before quickly washing his face and his hands, letting the cold water calm his mind again.

.

 _“What’d you choose?”_ he asks as he comes back to find Kelly sitting on the sofa, the opening credits already rolling. _“The Mighty Ducks? Really? Isn’t that a children’s movie? Where’d you even find that?”_ Matt chuckles amused.

_“I think it used to be Shay’s and it made me laugh. I really don’t have the energy to focus on anything serious right now, and it’s hockey, so… Do you mind?”_

_“No, it’s fine, might be fun,”_ Matt answers as he takes a seat next to him, _“haven’t watched this in ages.”_ He says taking up the DVD cover and looking it over.

_“Hey, Matt,”_

_“Mm?”_

_“Thank you, you know, for before, it was… it was amazing. I didn’t know you could do that, you’re really good.”_

Matt smiles bashfully at the compliment. _“Thanks, I’m not, really, it was only a crash course, but thanks.”_

 _“Well, if you ever wanna go pro, you can definitely practice on me,”_ Kelly says, his voice light and joking but his eyes sincere.

_“Hey, Kel, you know I, uh, I appreciate everything you’re doing to, uh, help me, with Game Night. You know that, right? Even if I sometimes forget to say, or need some time to uh, you know. I really do appreciate it.”_

_“I know, Matt. And for the record, if there is one, I think you’re doing great.”_

The quick flash of Matt’s shy but toothy bright smile takes Kelly’s breath away for a moment. It’s been a while since Matt’s happy smile, the one that makes his eyes crinkle at the edges, has made an appearance, and Kelly finds a warm pang going through him at the sight of it. Then Matt does a double take back to the screen and settles more comfortably into the sofa, and Kelly slowly lets his body sink sideways as the film unfolds.

…

 _“Kel?”_ Matt asks carefully the next day as they sit together through breakfast before leaving for the firehouse. Kelly raises his eyes from the paper he’s reading and can see Matt’s been pushing the food around his plate rather than eating. He looks at Matt to let him know he has his attention, but Matt won’t return his gaze. _“Would you,”_ Matt swallows thickly, starting again, _“if we weren’t friends, if you didn’t know me, and we’d just”_ he inhales deeply, _“met, at a bar, would you…”_ exhale _, “would you be interested? In me? Could I be someone you’d be interested in, to… take home?”_

Kelly’s mouth remains frozen around a bite he’s in the middle of. Afraid he’s going to choke on it if he swallows, and not too keen on spitting it back out in shock, he blinks wildly at Matt, trying to wrap his head around the question. Then, finally, he grabs his glass to wash down the remains in his mouth.

Before he can answer, Matt speaks again, trying to salvage the situation. Kelly’s silence is an obvious answer. _“I mean, in general, not you specifically,”_ he amends his question, trying for nonchalant more than a curious tone, _“am I someone that someone, a m-man, could be interested in?”_ it sounds like the stupidest question on the planet.

 _“Are you asking me if you’re datable? Or if you’re attractive?”_ Kelly tries to buy time, ignoring the first part of the question, the one formulated specifically to his own interests.

_“B-both?”_

_“Why would you ask me that, Matt? You’ve never had a problem picking up women at a bar.”_

_“But never a m-man,”_

They sit in silence for a moment, Matt’s words floating around them, as Kelly looks at him intently. _“I don’t know that there’d be much of a difference, Matt, but the answer’s yes. You’re a great guy – smart, interesting, level-headed, funny-ish,”_ he smirks so Matt will know he’d joking, trying to make light of the situation, then his face falls more serious again as he goes on, _“considerate, caring, kind. So, definitely dateable. And, -”_ he can see Matt holding his breath as he comes to address the physical aspect of his question. Kelly knows this is a huge part of Matt’s insecurities. Not because he’s lacking in that department, but because Harvey’s succeeded to use it against him, make it a weakness. He formulates his answer so so carefully. _“When all those traits become visible; when you let people see who you are when you let yourself… be - you shine, in the most endearing way. You radiate calmness and coolness, you give the feeling everything is going to be okay, and there’s this appeal, this pull, that makes people just want to be near you. It’s not just about your looks, it’s who you are that makes you attractive,”_ And before he can lose his guts, he lets himself answer Matt’s original question, _“to me at least.”_

Matt finally looks up at Kelly, who sees that even the tips of his ears have gone pink with a blush. They look at each other for a moment, both lost for words, not sure what just happened and what it means and how to go on. Eventually, Matt clears his throat and nods as if he’s accepted the answer to be logical and is now considering it, and then lowers his eyes back to his plate and begins to eat. And Kelly, after another moment of following him with his eyes slowly picks up the paper again. But before he can resume his reading, Matt asks another question.

_“So, can we do that? As Game Night?”_

_“What?”_

_“The bar… as Game Night,”_

_“You want to… you want us to go out for Game Night?”_

_“N-no. Well, yes, but not just out,”_ Matt winces hoping Kelly will follow without him actually having to say it out loud.

 _“You want me to pick you up at a bar? As if I didn’t know you?”_ Okay, so that’s it being said out loud. Matt nods the tiniest of nods _. “Why?”_ Matt doesn’t answer immediately, and Kelly leans in to catch his eye, his voice softening _. “Matt, why?”_

 _“I, I need the practice?”_ he tries, and it comes out all wrong. _“I feel like… I don’t remember how to be that guy, that you described. I remember him, but I don’t feel like him. Only rarely, only with you. And I want to feel that again, to feel… normal, and easy-going. But I don’t trust other people, strangers. I wouldn’t be sure what they’d want.”_

_“What they’d want?”_

_“From me. Of me.”_

_“And you’d know with me?”_ Matt nods in confirmation. _“So, you want me to pick you up at a bar because you know I won’t mean to sleep with you?”_ that’s… confusing.

 _“Yes? Well, no. The point would be that I’d know you’d stop if I asked you. I, - look,”_ Matt gets up and clears his plate to the sink, busying himself with washing up as a way of shielding himself from Kelly. _“It made sense to me when I thought about it. I feel like I haven’t really been out in forever, and this would be out but still somehow controlled. You don’t have to agree, you can just say no, and we’ll forget about it.”_ Matt huffs in slight frustration for the 3rd degree and the number of times he used the word ‘feeeeeeel’ in the past minute.

 _“No,”_ Kelly blurts hurriedly and sees Matt’s back tense in surprise, his hands freezing amidst washing a dish. _“I mean, no I’m not saying no. Shit, I’m saying yes, fine, whatever, we’ll do it. If that’s what you want.”_

_“Okay, thank you.”_

_“Tomorrow?”_

_“Hmm,”_

_“Okay._ _Okay. You need a ride to 51?”_

_“Um, no, I’ll take my truck. Thanks.”_


	12. Pick-Me-Up

**12 | Pick-me-up**

_“So, here’s how this is going to go,”_ Kelly says as they sit in his car outside a bar the next evening. _“You have to speak to at least two people before you find me, and no more than three drinks for each of us, okay?”_

 _“Hm-hm,”_ Matt nods lightly, biting his lip. His face is partly hidden in the shadows, but Kelly can feel he’s nervous.

 _“This is a gay-friendly bar, Matt, there’ll be both men and women inside, no-one is going to remark on you talking to either gender, okay? And no-one knows us here, so you don’t have to worry. I hope you’ll be comfortable.”_ He can feel himself blabbering, but there are things he has to say. _“The rules of Game-Night stand – if you want to touch or, - or kiss me, you can_.” Matt’s eyes fly to Kelly at the sound of the word _, “I’m not expecting it, you don’t have to, but, if it comes up and you find you want to, it’s okay. You’re in control here, Matt. We’re in this until you say we stop, but I’m not going to initiate anything more than taking you home, okay? That’s up to you.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Okay, who goes first?”_

Matt looks at him, and then at the bar again. _“I do,”_ he says with quiet resolve. And Kelly finds he already wants to kiss him.

 _“I’ll see you in there then,”_ Kelly says softly before Matt opens the door and climbs out the car. Kelly following him with his eyes, watching as he makes his way to the door and hesitantly disappears inside.

..

 _“Bartender, another round,”_ a voice next to him says, as a man comes to lean on the bar, tipping his beer glass before draining the last sip.

 _“On me,”_ Matt tells the bartender, _“and another for me as well, please,”_ he adds before looking up into the eyes of the man standing next to him, his smile small and questioning. The man’s eyebrows raise in surprise before a smirk adorns his lips.

 _“In that case, make that two shots of black-label as well,”_ he says, his grey-bluish eyes sparkling at Matt, and Matt can’t hold back a huff of laughter at his sly audacity _. “That’s a great sound,”_ the man remarks in a low voice, making Matt a bit self-conscious. _“Thanks for the drink,”_ he adds, trying to bring them back to safe ground.

 _“Sure,”_ Matt answers, raising the shot-glass that has just been set before him, “ _cheers,”_

 _“Cheers,”_ the man returns, and Matt can feel his eyes on him as they throw the drink back. _“So, that tiny blond woman you were talking to earlier, she planning on coming back?”_

 _“Um,”_ Matt’s eyes roam the room to find the person in question _,_ while his mind tries to get over the implication that the man had been watching him, _“don’t think so, she seems kind of… busy,”_ he nods with his head to where the blond women can be seen wrapped around another woman’s shoulders, whispering secrets and giggling.

 _“Her loss is my gain,”_ the man smiles and takes a seat on the vacant stool next to Matt _._

 _“So, you were watching then?”_ Matt asks, somewhat insecure if it’s the right thing to do. He can feel the guy flirting with him, he’s just not as confident to flirt back so openly and quickly.

_“Wanted to see if I still had a chance,”_

_“With her?”_ It falls from Matt’s lips before he really thinks about it, and it earns him a quick glower and a crooked eyebrow from the man, but his voice stays calm.

_“I’m not over there talking to her, am I?”_

_“No,”_ Matt answers bashfully, gulping down a long swig of beer to prevent himself from apologizing.

_“So, tell me, what do you do when you’re not brightening up this place?”_

_“I’m a firefighter,”_ Matt answers, scoffing inwardly at the man’s cheesy line, _“and a private contractor,”_

 _“Oh, rugged,”_ the man remarks, and Matt isn’t sure if it’s meant as a sting or a compliment _,_ but the man continues, and his voice sounds interested rather than mocking _. “You enjoy it? All the physical work?”_

 _“Yeah, I do, actually, helps me keep my mind clear, and it’s all I know how to do, really,”_ he adds after a moment.

 _“And what do you do when you’re off the clock?”_ the man leans closer, his voice more suggestive as if he’s reminding Matt to keep it simple, _“What keeps your mind clear then?”_

 _“I, uh, run, or I do some woodwork, furniture restoration, some simple carpentry, things like that, and I, uh,”_ he’s unsure if he should reveal this last piece of information, but something inside him is curious to see the man’s reaction. _“I play the violin,”_

He can see the man’s eyebrows shoot high up into his forehead. Then he takes a moment to look at Matt as if trying to decide if he’s bluffing or not. “ _Really? Sounds like you’re a man of many talents.”_ he finally says, and Matt can see he’s still undecided. _“I better play my cards right to get to see some of them. You any good?”_

 _“I’m no professional, but it’s a hobby,”_ Matt adds, unsure if the man means the furniture or the violin _. “It’s a means to pass the time. How about you? what do you do?”_

 _“On the clock – I fix boats, so that’s maybe not so different than your set of skills, off the clock…”_ the man grins and takes a long pull from his beer.

 _“You always this cocky?”_ Matt asks, unable to help the warm smile spreading on his face, hoping it comes out as the joke he means it to be.

 _“Interesting choice of words,”_ the man answers and Matt blushes a very deep shade of red. He hadn’t meant that at all. _“And that’s an even more interesting reaction,”_ the man lets out a warm and hearty laugh. Matt doesn’t know where to bury himself _._ Then he leans even closer into Matt, whispering in his ear, _“only since kindergarten.”_

Matt closes his eyes at the words, and odd warmth washing over him. He’s not sure if it’s the words or the memory or the physical proximity. He can feel how close the man is; can smell his heady cologne, mixed with the faint odour of leather coming from his jacket. He finds himself clinging to his beer-glass as if to keep himself up, trying to cool himself through the touch of his fingers against the dewy glass.

“ _Hey, man, you ok?”_ the man asks, his voice portraying his worry. _“Was that too much? Sorry, that happens sometimes when I’m nervous,”_ he adds, and Matt’s caught by surprise at his admission. He turns to look at him again and finds him smiling calmly, waiting for Matt’s reaction.

 _“No, it’s fine,”_ Matt mumbles, trying to get his bearings.

 _“I’m Kelly,”_ the man says softly, holding his hand out. It feels like a peace offering, like a start-over.

 _“Matt,”_ Matt says as he takes his hand, accepting, and it remains a moment longer in Kelly’s hand.

 _“How about a game of darts?”_ Kelly offers, his thumb absentmindedly stroking the back of Matt’s hand in his.

 _“Sure,”_ Matt says, turning to get off the stool, but Kelly tugs on his hand to keep him close.

 _“How about a game of darts to decide who takes who home?”_ Kelly asks cheekily, his eye blazing with mischief again. Matt takes him in, how calm and open and beautiful he looks. Then he takes a step closer, coming into Kelly’s personal space, lingering momentarily with unspoken curiosity.

_“You’re on.”_

.

One round turns into two, Kelly practically begging for a chance to redeem himself after Matt was quick to govern the game. By the second round, Matt has finished his beer and can now feel the edges slightly begin to soften. He isn’t drunk, but he can feel the alcohol, the warmth of it, a low thrumming of sureness it set running along his bones. He feels comfortable in his own skin in a way he doesn’t remember feeling for a while now. When he gets up to collect his darts, he lets his body brush gently against Kelly’s side feeling the nerves tingle heatedly inside him. Kelly’s warm smirk as their eyes meet in question does nothing to quench the shiver running through Matt. He’s not sure what it means but for the first time in his life, he doesn’t fight himself to overcome or quieten it. He can feel Kelly’s eyes on him as he makes his way to the board.  

“ _Hi_ ,” a man comes to stand next to Matt as he’s pulling the darts from the board.

 _“Hi,”_ Matt says a bit more cautiously then he’d actually like to be.

“ _May I buy you a drink?”_

Matt turns to look at him, surprised. He’s younger than both Kelly and he, extremely slim and tall, with dark locks tumbling wildly around his head. He’s dressed in dark colours, his cheekbones high and striking, and there is a daring about him, that makes Matt a tad jealous. He’s not care-free, but he’s not afraid to go for what he wants.

 _“We’re in the middle of a game,”_ Matt answers, _“thank you, but no,”_

 _“Can I join in, then?”_ the man asks, unfazed by Matt’s decline.

 _“I, uh-”_ He looks back at Kelly, to see him watching, ready to leap from his stool if the situation calls for it. For now, though, he lets Matt deal with it on his own terms. The thought makes him feel stronger; he doesn’t need saving. _“I think we’d like to finish this one on our own.”_

 _“How ‘bout I join your other games then?”_ the man says slyly, raising a hand to stroke along Matt’s cheek. But before he can reach it, Matt’s hand catches his wrist mid-air, pushing it away.

 _“I said no,”_ he pants lightly but his voice is as hard as his eyes. He can feel Kelly coming closer and he lets go of the man’s wrist and takes a step back.

 _“Everything okay?”_ Kelly asks from behind him, his eyes pinning the man to his place.

 _“Yeah,”_ Matt answers, turning his back on the man, to stand close at Kelly’s side. Without thinking it over, he raises a shaky hand to fleet over Kelly’s lapel and rest on his chest. _“Can we go?”_ he asks quietly in Kelly’s ear.

 _“You ok?”_ Kelly asks, turning his attention to Matt, his palm absentmindedly covering Matt’s hand on his chest. He can feel the tremor going through him.

 _“Yes, I’m fine,”_ Matt asserts, raising his eyes to meet Kelly’s, _“Will you take me home?”_

_.._

At first, they drive in silence, Kelly’s unsure if they’re still role-playing or not. He’s also not sure where Matt’s head is at. Matt sits in silence, his eyes on the window shield.

 _“Hey,”_ Kelly says softly after about ten minutes have passed.

 _“I’m fine,”_ Matt answers automatically.

_“So you’ve said,”_

_“He… didn’t mean anything bad,”_ it sounds like he’s reassuring himself. _“I’m just… not used to it, you know, the attention?”_ Kelly sneaks a look at Matt, his eyes now on Kelly with a glimmer of hope and question. He figures Matt’s trying to regain the grounds of their fake new acquaintance to go on with their evening.

 _“Well, you showed him his place, it was kind of hot,”_ he smirks.

 _“Yeah??”_ Matt beams at him bashfully.

_“Yeah, great reflexes you got there, Flash,”_

_“Nah,”_ Matt chuckles with him and turns back to the window, only for his eyes to wander back to Kelly’s profile a moment later, studying him in silence.  A comfortable quiet sets over them, and they both feel the familiar tingles of a good kind of tension rising between them.

.

Matt’s phone beeps with a message as they make their way from the car towards the building.

Incoming Message: From K. Sev; 22:32: ‘this goes on until you stop us,’

He raises his eyes to Kelly and answers with a small nod, and Kelly can see his back and shoulders straightening with…pride? Assurance? Confidence? It’s tiny, but it’s there and Kelly’s washed with a warm feeling inside. He stretches out a hand, offering it to Matt, who timidly weaves his fingers into Kelly’s.

It feels huge, the air suddenly cold in his lungs, but it’s not fear that he’s feeling, only excitement. He hasn’t felt this in a very long time. When he’d ever gotten this far with a woman, they’d already be ravishing one another in the lift, not giving themselves the time to notice whatever it is, wonderful, that’s happening at this moment.

.

 _“So, this is where you live?”_ Kelly asks as Matt lets them in.

 _“Hmm, yeah,”_ Matt says, looking around as if he’s seeing it for the first time. Most of the things in the living room are Kelly’s, since before Matt moved in. Matt’s been rather careful to keep his stuff in his room.

 _“You live alone?”_ Kelly asks, smirking lightly and Matt chuckles.

_“No, with my roo-, best friend.”_

_“He around?”_ Kelly asks, moving inside the apartment, taking his jacket off to lay it on the back of the sofa, his eyes tracing up the circular staircase.

 _“Nope, out. Probably trying to charm his way into bed with some poor unsuspecting soul,”_ Matt jokes cheekily.

 _“Oh, yeah?”_ Kelly laughs with him and comes closer, _“You poor and suspecting?”_ he asks, his voice a tone lower. Matt’s breath catches in his throat with confusion. It takes him a moment to get his bearings and find a sounder ground.

 _“You want something to drink?”_ he offers breathily, stepping away from Kelly in the direction of the kitchen.

 _“No, thanks. Reached my limit for tonight,”_ he says as he raises a knowing eyebrow towards Matt.

_“Uh, we have soda, I think, or c-coffee,”_

_“No, Matt, I’m fine,”_ he answers calmly, leaning against the back of the sofa. He can see that something has shifted for Matt, who now stands between their kitchen and their living room, looking a bit lost. _“Did you make this?”_ Kelly points at a small wooden cabinet, standing just outside Matt’s room, as a way to start a conversation.

 _“Yeah,”_ Matt answers in relief, coming to stand closer to Kelly, looking at the cabinet _, “one of the first things I’ve ever made. It’s not much, I’ve done better since, but I can’t seem to let it go,”_

_“I like it, it has character,”_

_“Yeah, well,”_

_“How about that other skill you talked about?”_ Kelly prods carefully, unsure.

_“What time is it?”_

_“22:45”_

_“Ok, wait here,”_ Matt says and disappears into his room, only to come out a moment later holding, to Kelly’s utter shock, a violin in one hand and a bow in the other. The look on Kelly’s face does odd things to Matt’s insides. He’s pretty sure it’d take a skid loader to raise Kelly’s jaw off the floor.

Matt comes to a stop at his doorway, lit by the square of light behind him and the low yellow glow of the lamp on the cabinet. He takes a moment, running tunes through his head, his eyes closed in concentration, a small smile spreading on his lips as he finds one. And then he sets bow to strings and begins.

The first stroke is long, followed by shorter strokes of the same note, creating a perpetual rhythm that gradually evolves and entwines, a deft finger secretly plucking at the strings, adding a sweet undertone. It’s an Irish tune, Kelly recognizes, but not an ecstatic one, its harmony pulls you in, changing abruptly to be more upbeat, then less, as it tells a complex, deep story of woes and joys. It’s delicate and intricate; spellbinding, and Matt’s figure as he stands in the yellow light, his face calm with concentration, his features leaning into the music as though he floats along it, is utterly breathtaking.

Kelly’s legs move him before the vibration of the last note dissipate into the air, Matt’s eyes locked into his as his hands come down, still holding the instrument. _“That was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,”_ Kelly whispers, his hand gently cupping Matt’s face, before his lips are on Matt’s.

It’s only after a moment, that Kelly realizes what he’s done. He’d promised Matt he wouldn’t initiate anything more than bringing him home, and now he’s kissing him. _But Matt’s reciprocating_ , Kelly reflects, his lips warm and probing and eager on Kelly’s. His hand, now free of the bow, is tentatively wrapping around Kelly’s shoulder. His lips now opening for Kelly’s, letting him suck at his lower lip, then his top. Then Kelly’s tongue, carefully questing along them, seeking permission, which he thinks he’s finding as Matt’s lips part further. _Oh_ , he thinks, his fingers grazing against Matt’s cheek and into his hair, _sweet, and whisky, and timidity,_ fingers scraping against his scalp, demanding, bringing him closer, open mouth, warm tongue, closer, swirling deeper, _air, need air,_ his lungs cry out, burning, but _sweet, welcoming, accepting, Matt,_ he pants against Matt’s skin, his mouth compensating the loss by rasping along Matt’s jawline and neck, arms tugging closer _“Wait,”_ no, “ _wait,”_ that’s Matt’s voice, that’s Matt’s voice, arm pulling away, hand pushing, _“I need,”_ Matt’s voice, small, hurt? _“Kelly,”_ that’s the other kind of _Kelly_ , the fearful one, the searching, what?

Kelly stops himself, pulling back, his eyes searching Matt’s face, meeting his eyes. _“What do you need, Matt? tell me,”_

 _“I need,”_ Matt pants, his hand moving to Kelly’s cheek, _“eyes, I need your eyes,”_ he says, flushed, embarrassed, scared.

 _“I’m right here, Matt, it’s still me,”_ they pant in each other’s arms, eyes boring into one another’s, seeking something close, familiar, seeking the safety, the anchor.

 _“It’s still you,”_ Matt nods finally, his hand now fisted into Kelly’s shirt, his breath regulated back down with relief.

 _“You want us to stop?”_ Kelly asks gently.

 _“Yeah, yeah, I think we should,”_ but he’s not letting go of Kelly’s shirt yet.

 _“You did really well,”_ Kelly dares to lay a fleeting kiss on Matt’s temple, breathing against him _. “How the fuck did I not know you can play the violin like that?”_ he huffs, and Matt chuckles, pulling gently back, putting some space between them.

_“I haven’t told you,”_

_“Yeah, I kind’a got that. Why? When? How?”_

_“I, play when you’re not home, or when I’m at work,”_ Matt says quietly, almost apologetically.

 _“I’ve never even seen you with a case before,”_ Kelly realizes.

 _“I keep it in my gym bag,”_ Matt admits.

 _“Why, why do you go to such lengths to hide it?”_ Kelly asks. There is something almost offended in his voice.

_“I don’t know. At first, I worried it might disturb you, the noise. After Harvey, I didn’t play for a while, couldn’t. I picked it back up a few months ago. It was mine, my way of… something that was entirely mine. I didn’t know what you’d think,”_

_“What I’d think?”_

_“About me… playing, the violin.”_

_“I think it’s incredible.”_ Kelly blurts out, “ _spectacular. Since when do you play? Where did you learn?_ ”

 _“At elementary school, before... before everything, we had to choose an instrument for music class. Then I stopped, after. I kept moving schools, so… but I had my own instrument. and I took classes at youth centres and stuff when I could. And eventually, when I was older a pawned it for an adult’s instrument.”_ He looks down at the violin still clutched in his hand. _“it’s nothing new or top of the line, but it’s reliable, sound is clean, and it’s mine, so…”_

_“You can play it any time, Matt, I mean it. You don’t have to hide this from me, I don’t mind. I like hearing you play.”_

_“I’m sorry I hid it from you,”_

_“No, it’s fine. It's your thing, I get it. You’re allowed to have things that are private. I didn’t mean to… I just want you to feel comfortable, ok? To play, if you want to…”_

_“Ok,”_

_“Thank you for telling me tonight… it was… it was a great date,”_

_“Date?”_ Matt’s surprised by Kelly’s choice of words, taken back somehow by the bluntness of the idea.

 _“Well, whatever. I had fun.”_ Kelly shrugs his shoulders, hands in his pockets.

 _“Yeah, me too.”_ Matt agrees _, “and thank you,”_ he adds hurriedly. _“I better uh,”_ he raises the arm holding the violin and bow, signalling back to his room. An odd uncomfortable feeling sets between them as if too much has been said.

_“Yeah, sure. Good night Matt,”_

_“Night, Kel,”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok,  
> a) don't kill me, I know ACTORS ARE NOT THEIR CHARACTERS but I recently saw some Jesse with violin pics and wanted it in... it's a small divergence from Pretty or, rather, an add-on, but I hope you'll allow it.  
> b) for an idea what Casey is playing, check out Brid Harper with the fiddle, playing the Monaghan Jig/The Templehouse  
> 


	13. Smooth Sailing

_“Hey,”_

_“Morning,”_

It’s easy as long as they don’t engage eye-contact. Standing across from one another in the kitchen, they quietly sip their coffees – black and bitter and comforting _. It’s not awkward_ , they tell themselves, both aware of what happened the night before. But there is no reason to acknowledge it as anything other than Game Night and therefore no reason to acknowledge it at all. Whatever happened was within the rules and should, therefore, have no further implications on their friendship.

The minutes tick by.

_“Um, Kel, you have any plans for Sunday?”_ Matt’s eyes are deep in the dark liquid in his mug, playing with the fluid reflection of the light. His voice feigning calmness, stability and casualness. Kelly latches on in gratitude.

_“No, why, what’s up?”_

_“Truck-meet,”_ Matt swallows thickly _,_ finally raising his eyes to Kelly’s, _“on the boat.”_

 _“Okay…?”_ Kelly prods, not following. He’d thought they’d dealt with that the other day.

_“Could you come?”_

_“To the truck meet?”_

_“To the boat,”_ Matt corrects, finally admitting, _“I thought I could do it, but, I don’t think I can, alone, I need you to be there.”_

  _“You’re not alone, Matt. Your team will be there, and their spouses, Herrmann’s kids… you won’t be alone. You probably won’t even have time to think a-”_

_“So, you won’t come?”_

Kelly can see the disappointment in Matt’s eyes, the anxiety. He suddenly realizes the significance of this moment; Matt is hardly one to admit weakness or to ask for help. He doesn’t mean to flatly refuse or make light of Matt’s request. He doesn’t really have a problem going, but he questions whether Matt is creating an unhealthy dependency, linking everything to Kelly. He doesn’t mind being Matt’s anchor, but he doesn’t it want it to be harmful to Matt. “ _How are you going to explain it to your crew? Me being there?”_

_“As you said - we can all bring spouses or dates,”_

_“And what?”_ Kelly scoffs, Matt has clearly not thought this through, which is a bit surprising considering it’s Matt. _“You’re going to explain me as your date?”_

 _“You know what, you’re right.”_ Matt is quick to recoil, laying his mug on the counter behind him and preparing to leave. _“Never mind,”_

_“No, Matt, wait, I didn’t mean. I just – what do you think will happen, on the boat, if I’m not there?”_

Matt looks at him, thinking it over, what was his real fear? Not Harvey himself. _“Relapse,”_ he says realizing, _“and panic attack. What if I get lost in my own head again? what if I have a panic attack? You’re the only one that can get through to me when that happens.”_

Kelly looks at him. His points are valid. Maybe he has thought about it. But he doesn’t want Matt to see himself as helpless without him. _“You haven’t had a panic attack in weeks,”_

 _“I haven’t been on a boat on the water,”_ Matt argues, his breath quickening at the thought.

 _“Okay, okay, calm down,”_ Kelly says taking a step closer. _“If that’s what you want, I’ll be there. But I think you should think about what you’re going to tell Truck because I don’t think me being your date is what you want them to think, and it won’t explain things if you do have a panic attack. A boat is small, it’d be really hard to hide, and I don’t think you should hide it anyway.”_

Matt thinks it over, determination setting on his face. _“Okay. I’ll tell them.”_

_“What?”_

_“I’ll tell Truck the truth, I’ll tell them about what happened, with Harvey.”_

_“You will?”_ Kelly can’t hide his surprise. It’s a better outcome than he’d hoped, though he hadn’t meant to push Matt into anything he’s not ready for.

_“Yes. I think I have to. They’re family. And at the end of the day, it’s their life on the line while we work together, so…”_

_“You want me to be there? When you tell them?”_

_“No, thanks. I’ll do it tomorrow on shift. And if I need you, you’ll be there, in the firehouse.”_

_“Ok,”_ Kelly nods, unable to stop his enthusiasm. _“I think it’s the right thing, Matt. I think it’s great. That you’re gonna tell them. It’ll make things easier.”_

 _“Yeah, maybe.”_ Matt worries his lower lip, in thought _. “So, you’ll come to the meet?”_

_“Yes, if you feel you need me there, I’ll be there. And there’s a free steak in it for me, so…”_

_“Thank you,”_

_“Sure. See later tonight? After work?”_ Kelly says, already setting his mug in the sink, preparing to leave.

 _“Yeah. Yeah,”_ Matt’s slower to follow, his mind going over possibilities of his conversation the next day with his team.

…

 _“Hey, guys, Truck meeting in the briefing-room in five,”_ Matt says as he breezes through the common-room on his way to Boden’s office the following day, leaving his teammates wide-eyed and wondering. They’re used to pop-drills and stern maintenance check-ups when their lieutenant needs to let off steam, but they’ve never been called into the briefing room.

Five minutes later, they file in to find Matt already there, worrying his bottom lip and pacing, while Boden props against a desk, his arms folded across his chest in surprised anticipation.

Matt breathes deeply as they settle themselves around him. He’s glad he’s brought Boden in, because he needs to hear this, needs to know, and there is no way Matt will ever be able to do this again. He can’t even fathom how to begin now. He schools his face into its signature passivity, praying that his voice remains the steady voice of their lieutenant, and none of that ridiculous stammering he’s been noticing recently when he talks to Kelly.

 _“Thanks for coming in, guys, this shouldn’t take long. I, uh, I need to talk to you about our Truck meeting on the boat.”_ He dares to take a quick look at them, to see them staring at him with curiosity. _“I’m bringing Kelly. To the truck meet.”_ There, he’d said it. He can see their eyes popping open along with their mouths. _“It’s not what you think,”_ he adds quickly. Here goes… _“I’ve been having panic attacks, as some of you know, ever since… Harvey. It’s mostly under control, but… Harvey… he kidnapped me, drugged me unconscious and kidnapped me onto his boat, where he tried to… wanted to,”_ He can’t. He can’t. His body unconsciously hunches into itself. He swallows thickly and clears his throat. _“Severide is the only one who can help me during a panic attack. So, if we’re having the meeting on the boat, which we are, that’s not up for debate, I need him to be there. Just in case.”_ It feels like he hasn’t inhaled in a decade. “ _Nothing should happen, I’ve been working with a therapist and with Severide to get past this, past everything, but just in case, because it’s on a boat.”_ Is he blabbering? It feels like he’s blabbering. Time to shut up.

He finds his hands clenched into fists inside the pockets of his CFD hoody and he can hear his pulse beating in his ears. The silence around him seems to be going on forever. Then a hand, Boden’s hand, comes into his view, waiting for his handshake. Matt raises his eyes to find Boden’s and they’re filled with respect and admiration. They quietly shake hands.

 _“You need me for anything else?”_ Boden asks, letting Matt know he’s grateful for Matt telling him and his crew, proud of Matt for facing his demons.

 _“No, thanks,”_ Matt answers, a bit overwhelmed. Boden squeezes his hand once again before leaving the room without another word.

 _“You didn’t say anything!”_ Herrmann’s voice comes out louder and harsher than he means.

_“I –“_

_“Herrmann!”_ Cruz chides the overwhelmed Christopher.

 _“No,”_ Herrmann is quick to correct himself, _“I’m mean, I feel like such an idiot. About the boat. We’re doing the meeting on the boat and you didn’t say anything, I didn’t know, I’m sorry,”_

 _“Herrmann,”_ Casey finds his bearing, watching as Christopher whirls himself into a state. His voice is sharp and clear, bringing Herrmann to a halt. _“You’re right, I didn’t tell you, and you couldn’t have known. I’m sorry. You’ve all been working with me these past weeks, and I know I haven’t been easy. You deserve to know why.”_

 _“It’s all alright, lieutenant,”_ Cruz says, _“we understand_. _You take the time you need, and we’ve got your back, no matter what. Right?”_ he turns to the rest of them.

 _“Absolutely,”_ Mouch responds without hesitation.

 _“We don’t have to do it on the boat,”_ Herrmann ploughs on, only somewhat aware of the conversation around him.

 _“Yes, yes we do,”_ Matt says, and they all fall silent. They can feel he has something to say, and he can feel them waiting for an explanation. _“I, this thing can’t control me,”_ he says quietly, determined. _“I need to get over this. We need to do it on the boat.”_ And they all hear the words he’s not saying. _I need your help._

 _“You got it, lieutenant,”_ Cruz chimes again, holding himself back from slapping Matt on the back, _“Whatever you need. And Severide is welcome to join.”_

 _“Yeah,”_ Otis mumbles in agreement, his head slowly pulling back from grim thoughts about another experience he’s had with sexual violence. _This can’t be happening,_ he thinks, and - _why does this keep happening?_ He can feel Cruz’s hand on his nape, grounding him back to the here-and-now. _“It’ll be a great day, lieutenant,”_ he promises awkwardly _, “we’ll make sure of it.”_ There’s so much more he wants to say, but he’s never had that kind of relationship with Casey, and they’re not alone, and he’s not sure how the man in front of him, who is clearly trying to hold on to his bearings and façade, will take anything more personal than that.

Matt nods in acceptance and gratitude. He’s just barely holding it all in. He’s not sure what he’s done to deserve such a crew, who stand behind him no matter what. Who don’t see any of this as his fault; Who don’t see him any differently than before they knew. And if they do, they have the decency to keep it to themselves. A wave of emotion rushes through him, and he sniffs loudly, and turns sharply, just to have something to do. _“I’m cooking lunch today.”_ He finally says, surprising himself. _“Chicken parmesan.”_ He grins as Cruz’s excited response mixes with Mouch’s grunt of approval _. “Herrmann - hold the fort, while I run to the shop to get what we need, yeah?”_

 _“Yeah, sure thing lieutenant,”_ Herrmann says, still unsure, still confused, still a bit guilty.

 _“Ok, good,”_ Matt says, and with a final nod, he leans with his back against the door, opening it just enough to slip out.

.

It’s only when he’s out the firehouse, on his way to the corner-shop that he notices he’s shaking. Head to toe, as if his body is ridding itself of excess adrenalin. He’s suddenly aware of the sweat pooling at his armpits, which has nothing to do with the pale sun shining above. He stops for a moment, hands on his knees and head bent down as he tries to regain control on his breathing.

 _“Matt,”_ he hears Kelly’s worried voice behind him. Kelly, who must have waited somewhere for their meeting to end to see how Matt is doing. He must have seen him leave the firehouse, seen him in his panic, finding him now doubled over in the middle of the street. Matt quickly pulls himself together, straightening back and turning to Kelly.

_“I’m fine,”_

_“I know,”_ Kelly’s says, not surprised by Matt’s knee-jerk reaction, but assessing him carefully.  Kelly has about a million questions to ask, but as he looks am Matt he realizes, he doesn’t really need to ask anything. Even if he doesn’t know the details, he’s sure Truck crew wouldn’t fail Matt, and Matt seems overwhelmed rather than shaken or panicking. They stand in an awkward silence for a moment. Matt gaining back his semblance.

 _“I’m going to the shop,”_ Mat says, pointing to his destination just beyond Kelly’s shoulder _“lunch,”_ he mumbles.

 _“Okay,”_ Kelly answers back absentmindedly, his eyes not yet done skimming Matt’s features.

 _“You want anything?”_ Matt tries to get push forward.

 _“No,”_ Kelly shakes his head, stepping aside to let Matt pass on his way to the store. _“Yes,”_ he adds a moment later as Matt has passed him by. Matt turns to look at him, surprise and a hint of annoyance on his face. Kelly takes a step towards him. He’s standing close, but not threatening Matt’s personal space. _“I’m really proud of you,”_ he says, looking Matt straight in the eye, _“for doing that.”_ He nods his head in the direction of the firehouse. Matt’s eyes follow the movement to the firehouse and then move back to Kelly’s face. It’s his turn to read the mapped features in front of him. He takes in Kelly expression – his deep, sincere eyes, his soft smile, his high cheek-bones and strong square jaw, all focused on Matt. Something flutters in Matt’s chest and he has to shift from foot to foot, eyes to the ground, to find his balance again.

 _“Thank you,”_ he says, and without meaning to a smile slowly widens on his face, as he feels the pride blooming inside him. It’s as if Kelly’s words were a seed, planted inside him, just waiting for the right conditions to let it flourish. Kelly’s breath catches in his throat at the sight of Matt’s smile, but before he can react, Capp calls his name from the door of the firehouse, making them both aware again of the surroundings.

 _“Lunch,”_ Matt whispers again, pointing over his shoulder to the store.

 _“Yeah,”_ Kelly mumbles, and watches Matt turn on his way before he himself turns and jogs back to the firehouse to see what Capp had wanted.

…

When all was said and done, there actually wasn’t much to the Truck-meet. Boden’s boat was just big enough for all them. A table was set on deck, constantly filled with food and beverage, while they moved around between fishing, card games, and lounging about. Conversations were a bit stiff to start with, Matt could feel his team’s insecurity about how to approach him, what to talk about, but decided to take it in stride. _It’s because they care,_ he told himself, _not judging._ Instead, He tried to keep busy, or at least within company, not letting his mind wander too far and too deep. He made sure the children were occupied, moving from one to the other, subtly offering his company, or he took charge of the grill, busying himself with the technicalities of fine-cooked meat. He was also careful to stay away from the railings. If anyone of the grown-ups noticed, they were smart enough to play along without commenting on it. Kelly, he noticed, was always in his peripheral - present but not intervening. He’d spend the day in charge of the fishing-post and chatting to Cruz about Squad. But there never came a moment in which Matt needed him in distress.

By early afternoon, as the wind was picking up and the children were becoming irritable, they decided to pack it in and make their way home. Kelly tries not to show his surprise when Matt silently hands him the keys to his truck, taking a seat in the passenger seat, letting his eyes drift closed.

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly says gently as he pulls on the handbrake in the parking lot of their building. He has to keep himself from raking his hand through Matt’s golden hair, luminous in the bright afternoon sun. _“Matt, wake up, we’re here,”_

 _“Hm,”_ Matt grunts awake, opening his eye and trying to shake off sleep.

_“You okay?”_

_“Yeah,”_ Matt nods, _“Just tired. Don’t know,”_

 _“Let’s go in,”_ Kelly offers hesitantly.

 _“Yeah,”_ Matt says, already opening his door, but holding a hand for Kelly to give him his keys back.

As soon as they’re in their apartment, Matt disappears into his room. Kelly hovers around the kitchen, making coffee, wanting to see if Matt will eventually come out. Twenty minutes later he moves to the couch with a magazine.

 _“Kelly?”_ he hears Matt call softly as he passes Matt’s room. He comes to lean against the doorframe, pushing Matt’s door open, to find Matt buried under his covers, only the top of his face peeking out. _“You doing anything?”_

Kelly shakes his head and holds up the magazine. _“Was going to read,”_

 _“You mind sitting with me?”_ Matt asks carefully, with bated breath. Everything unspoken drifting between them. After a long moment in which they look at each other, Kelly pulls himself from where he stands, walking into the room and sitting on the far end of the bed, his back against the headboard, next to Matt’s lying figure. Matt slowly turns over, to face in Kelly’s direction, snuggling closer to Kelly’s thigh, but not touching it, his eyes soon closing again.

 

Sitting quietly, trying to focus on his reading, Kelly can feel Matt’s form shivering lightly next to him. _“What’s going on, Matt?”_ he asks softly.

 _“I don’t know,”_ Matt admits. “C _ouldn’t fall asleep. Processing, I guess…”_

They sit in silence for a while, Kelly’s fire-engineering magazine open on his lap, and Matt’s eyes closed. But Kelly knows, can feel, Matt’s not sleeping, not yet relaxing. Gently, he brings his hand to Matt’s head, his fingers just barely touching as his strokes the short blond strands at the back of Matt’s head. They both still momentarily, checking how the other will react. Then Matt burrows a tad-tiny bit deeper and closer to Kelly, letting the tips of Kelly’s fingers reach his nape, and Kelly slowly cards his fingers back up, , and down again, scratching lightly at the scalp, letting Matt feel his presence. He can soon feel Matt relax and, finally, drift into sleep.

Though it’s early, too early for Kelly to call it a day, he doesn’t wake Matt, doesn’t push him to eat or shower. Instead, once he’s sure Matt is asleep, and he’s finished reading his article, he gets up and out of the room, leaving Matt to rest.

…

 _“Matt, wake up,”_ Kelly stands over him the next morning. _“We’re gonna be late.”_ He adds once Matt has peeled open a quizzical eye. He’s surprised that Matt has slept so long, overslept even though he went to bed so so early, but there’s no time to dwell on it now. Now they have to hurry and leave if they want to be on time. He pushes a to-go mug into Matt’s hand, _“Up, shower and eat this,”_ he says, laying a banana next to now-sitting Matt. _“We can eat a real breakfast at the firehouse. You have 8 minutes.”_

 _“Woah, Kell,”_ Matt grunts, confused, scrubbing harshly at his eyes, trying to get his bearings. _“why do I feel like this?”_

 _“Because you’ve slept so long… now come on, I also need to finish getting ready.”_ Kelly answers, already making his way out the room. Hovering at the door to make sure Matt’s in motion.

 _“I’m up, I’m up,”_ Matt mumbles, gesturing Kelly away, and heaving himself up.


	14. Blind

**14| Blind**

_They were so close_ , Matt thinks it over as he sits at Kelly’s bedside. So close to being done and going home, all accounted for, healthy, with the upper hand. They were all already out. All but Kelly. Matt’s hand squeezes Kelly’s again, waiting for any reaction, any sign of recognition, of life. _He is alive_ , Matt reminds himself, he is alive, he just needs to wake up.

Matt was already standing outside, all of his men present, stripping their masks off to fight the fire from outside. Kelly’s last words - suddenly cut off by a roar and a blast - still ring in Matt’s ears.

_“All clear, Chief, on my way ou-“_

He had been so close to the door when a lead pipe exploded off the wall, hitting him across the face, smashing his gear into shards. His pained cry ripped through Matt, grasped at his chest as if an invisible hand had violently torn all the air from his lungs. He remembers hearing Kelly’s name screamed at the top of someone’s lungs, only to find it was him, shrieking, terrified, as he made his way inside, one hand fighting off Boden, while the other adjusted his mask to his face. Kelly was already unconscious when they got to him, his face filled with blood.

Matt fights to expel the image from his head, looking over Kelly’s calm body lying in the hospital bed _. “Come on, Kelly”_ he whispers.

Holding himself back, to allow the paramedics to do their job, took all of his self-restraint. Then going back to fight the fire, watching the ambulance fade away, with Kelly inside it… he’d never hated their job more than in that moment. Hated the fire. He thinks he may have howled as he held on to the hose, taking the fire on like a beast with a private debt to close.

There was no question where they were going when they were finished. Matt didn’t care if it was unprofessional, or weak and needy, he’d go to the hospital if he’d had to walk there. Luckily, Boden took them off service and into the hospital waiting room, until they got word about Kelly’s situation. He’d also found Matt a replacement to finish the shift, once it was clear that he won’t be leaving the hospital. They had waited almost an hour for the doctor to come speak to them, and it’s been three hours since.

The rest of 51 had left, gone back to the house to finish their shift, knowing there was nothing to do but wait. Matt had promised to update them if anything changes. When Kelly wakes.

 _“Kelly, please,”_ Matt pleads breathily, his panic rising as the hours tick by with no change. The doctors had said it was only a mild concussion, but they need him to wake up to verify there was no damage to his brain.  

 

 _“Hey, Matt, how are we doing in here?”_ a nurse comes in to check on Kelly’s vitals, pulling Matt from his distressing thoughts. He thinks he recalls her saying her name was Rose. His eyes follow her as she fiddles with the machinery, noting down figures on the clipboard.

 _“Why isn’t he waking up?”_ he asks, his voice small and distressed.

 _“He will,”_ she answers calmly, _“he’s just taking his time,”_ she smiles reassuringly. “ _How long have you two been together?”_

 _“What?”_ Matt double takes in surprise, blushing. _“We’re not, um, we’re not,“_

 _“Oh,”_ she responds in surprise, _“I just thought… sorry. Sorry.”_

_“It’s fine,”_

_“It’s just, usually only family or loved ones sit like this, waiting,”_ she tries to explain.

 _“I -”_ Matt begins, searching for words.

_“It none of my business, sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”_

_“No, it’s fine,”_ Matt responds quickly, relieved to latch on to any conversation, rather than sit with the sickening feeling in his gut and panic. He’s not even as overwhelmed as he’d thought he’d be, by the thought of someone assuming about their relationship. If anything, he finds, it’s a tiny bit tad flattering. _“We are each other’s family,”_ he contemplates _. “I have very little contact with mine, and his doesn’t live in Chicago anymore.”_ He looks up to find her nodding in understanding. _“We’re also roommates, we live together,”_

 _“Okay,”_ she smiles.

 _“He’s, I…”_ and his eyes falls on their hands, linked together at Kelly’s side, holding tightly _. “He’s saved my life. Saving. He’s saving my life.”_ He adds as if it a realization. As if she wasn’t there.  

She’s not sure what to say to that, sensing she’s privy to something that should, perhaps, be private. She gently clears her throat, as if to remind him she’s in the room, or, perhaps, to dislodge something that has suddenly clung to her airway.

 _“Sorry,”_ he whispers when he realizes she’s there. She’s uncomfortable; he’s said too much. Revealed too much.

 _“No,”_ Rose assures him quietly, as if reading his mind, smiling gently, her fingers twitch in his direction as if she means to touch him but she catches herself in time, clinging to the chart in her hands. _“I’ll come back later,”_ she adds calmly, indicating the privacy she’s giving him.   _“You should talk to him, he probably can hear you,”_ she encourages _, “and try not to worry too much, he will wake up.”_

He knows she’s trying to help, to be kind, though her words sound somewhat stale and banal. But what could she say, other than that? She doesn’t really know him, them; she can’t give him anything more substantial, can’t promise anything to do with Kelly’s condition. Except for Kelly waking up, he can’t really think of anything that would comfort him right now. Though he is grateful for the short distraction she gave him from his own thoughts.

His fingers graze over Kelly’s hand, turning it over gently and caressing down his wrist and up his palm again.

 _“You are my family,”_ he tells Kelly, making sure he knows. “ _You’re the most important person to me.”_ He hesitates. _“I love you,”._

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he’d secretly hoped, it’d be like in the films, in the fairytales. From within his stupor, Kelly would hear his confession and wake up at his words. He looks at Kelly’s face and body for any sign of change. But the machines beep calmly on, and Kelly’s figure is as still at it was, only his chest moving calmly and rhythmically up and down as he breathes. Matt puffs as small self-deprecating wisp of laughter at his own ridiculousness. Then he sets his forehead down on the bed, next to Kelly’s arm, and waits.

..

It takes another four hours for something to happen, by which time it’s dark outside. Matt startles at the feeling of Kelly’s fingers twitching against his. He raises his head, and blinks, trying to clear his mind and focus, unsure if he’d been asleep or just zoned-out. Kelly’s fingers are twitching, and then grasping, or trying to, as if trying to figure what they’re feeling.

 _“Kelly?”_ Matt rises to his feet, leaning over Kelly.

 _“Matt?”_ Kelly answers blurrily and unsure.

 _“Yes,”_ he can’t help but smile with relief. _“Hi,”_

 _“I can’t see.”_ Kelly panics, his hand rising to his face before Matt grabs it.

_“I know, you have bandages on your eyes. But you’re fine, you’re fine. How are you feeling?”_

Kelly takes a moment to think it over, assess his body and condition _. “My head hurts. Like hell”_  he says, raising his hand carefully to glide along the bandage. _“What happened?”_

_“A gas pipe blew in your face, just as you were leaving the warehouse. Broke your mask, and your eye socket. Gave you a mild concussion.”_

Kelly grunts in discomfort. _“How long was I out?”_

_“10 hours, most of the day,”_

_“Shit,”_ Kelly mumbles. _“Is everyone here? What happened to shift?”_

_“No, they’re on shift, they were here for a while, but they couldn’t all stay,”_

_“And you stayed? 10 hours? What about your shift?””_

_“Boden pulled someone to replace me. To replace you, actually, and Hermann is covering for me. Don’t worry about it, Kelly.”_ Matt whispers, hoping Kelly would let it go _. “I’ll go tell the nurses you’re awake. And call the House to let them know.”_

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly calls, trying to stop Matt from walking away, he raises his hand to grab at Matt, but can’t actually see where Matt is.

Matt steps closer to him, taking his hand again. _“I’ll be right back, Kelly. I’m not going anywhere,”_ he sees Kelly nod slightly, relax again, his breathing calming down, and he gives his hand a final squeeze before letting go and stepping outside to find a nurse.

…

The doctor comes in in the early evening. They have the lights turned down, and Kelly sitting up, as the nurse takes off the bandaging, revealing swollen eyelids, tarnished with small, bloody lacerations. The doctor lifts his eyelids, flashing light into the small cracks of Kelly’s eyes to check the damage. Matt finds himself holding his breath throughout and wincing with Kelly’s pain.

 _“I can’t see,”_ Kelly’s voice shakes with fear when the doctor finally lowers her hands. His hand flailing shortly before gripping tightly at the sheets. _“I can’t see,”_

“ _Kelly_ ,” the doctor tone is stern yet calm, trying to ground Kelly, _“I’m not worried about it yet_ ,” she says. _“I’m scheduling you in for a surgery tomorrow, to re-set your eye socket. We cleaned out all the shards from your protective mask earlier, but the area was too swollen to fix the bone. We’ll give it a few days for the swelling to come down, and the eye to recover from the trauma, and your eyesight should improve. I understand this is stressful and irregular for you, but we’re not going to worry about your eyesight just yet. Okay?”_

Matt can see Kelly processing the information, tucking it into place in his mind, trying to command his head to relax, to be patient. He can also see it wasn’t working. Kelly's nervous at the idea of losing his sight. It’d mean losing his job as a firefighter. It’d mean a huge change to everything he knows. The doctor said it was too early to worry, but how could he not, really, when it's all just a waiting game.

 _“You said improve.”_ Kelly begins,

_“Yes,”_

_“So, not return, fully recover?”_

_“Truthfully, I don’t know yet. I don’t want to give you false information, or false hope. I can’t promise anything until I see some improvement in the eyes. Let’s get that bone fixed, and get the swelling under control, give you antibiotic-drops after that, and we’ll talk again by the end of the week.”_

Matt’s heart breaks in his chest at the sight of Kelly’s crumbling face. The doctor was fair and straightforward but in no way consoling. It wasn’t her job, nor would she be good at it, if she’d sugar-coat it. But it was terrifying to watch Kelly taking the blow, nodding his head in silent resignation.

The doctor leaves, and the nurse repacks Kelly’s eyes under thick gauze. Matt stands frozen at the edge of Kelly’s bed until she too leaves the room.

 _“Matt?”_ Kelly asks, his voice small and unsure as he searches for his friend.

 _“Yes, Kelly, I’m right here,”_ Matt surges forward and takes hold of Kelly’s hand again, squeezing tightly.

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly bleats quietly, trying to fight the impending tears, which really, really sting his eyes now.

 _“Shh, Kelly, breathe,”_ Matt tries to calm him down. He brings his forehead to lean gently on the crown of Kelly’s head, his other hand wrapping around Kelly’s nape. _“We’re not going to think the worst, okay? We’re going to wait, like the doctor said. And we’re going to fight this in whatever way we can. Okay?”_

 _“Mh-hm,”_ Kelly mumbles, trying to let Matt’s words in, trying to follow his logic, clinging to Matt’s arm.

 _“Are you in any pain?”_ Matt asks, his hand raking through Kelly’s head, before reaching out and pressing the call button.

 _“Mh-hm,”_ Kelly answers again, affirming Matt’s suspicion.

The nurse comes in, to find Matt leaning over Kelly.  _‘Pain-relief?’_ Matt mouths to her, and she nods, moving to fiddle with the IV tube running down Kelly’s arm.

 _“Get some rest, Kelly. Try and sleep. I’ll be here until they kick me out, okay. Let’s lower your bed again,”_ Matt says as he moves to press the bed-controls, making Kelly’s body unfold back to lay almost flat. He’s surprised at his own tone of voice, how calm and collected it sounds, though his insides are screaming with terror and uncertainty. He has no idea what they’d do if Kelly were to remain blind, the mere thought sending panic coursing through his body. But that’s not what Kelly needs. He needs strength, and positivity and faith, and to not be alone.

He sits down in the chair at Kelly’s bedside, still holding his hand, watching as Kelly slowly drifts into a drug-infused sleep. He sits there until the very last moment he’s allowed to stay and makes sure Kelly is asleep before he leaves silently.

He’s halfway to the elevator when he turns back, retraces his steps, sets his lips to Kelly’s bandaged head, and lays a fluttering kiss against his covered ear. _“I’ll be back first thing in the morning.”_

…

He goes to the firehouse, to collect his things, and Kelly’s. To get his car. He tells them all over dinner what the doctor had said, and how Kelly is doing. Though he omits the last part, giving Kelly his dignity and privacy. Even Kelly Severide is allowed to break down sometimes.

He should go home, sleep, pack a bag for Kelly for the hospital; but he finds he’s rather drawn to the company. The thought of their empty apartment, without Kelly, knowing Kelly won’t be coming home tonight, makes him feel small and scared. He doesn’t think he takes Kelly’s presence for granted, but he’s surprised at how hollow he feels at his absence.

He wants to go back to the hospital, to sit with Kelly. Instead, he lingers at the firehouse, drinking another cup of coffee while they all wait for the next call. No-one asks him why he doesn’t go home, because they all know, or suspect they understand. Eventually, they do get a call, and once they’ve all left, Matt sighs in the empty common room, collects their things and drives home.

It’s past midnight by the time he goes to bed, having showered and packed and prepared everything he thinks Kelly will need for his time at the hospital. He lies there awake, for hours, thinking of what had happened, thinking of Kelly. Listening to the loud stillness of their empty apartment, feeling the terrifying loneliness at the thought that Kelly might lose everything, that Kelly might be lost. It’s his turn now, he decides – to be there, to hold Kelly and anchor him through this, as Kelly had done for him. Because he can’t lose Kelly. He can’t lose Kelly.  So, he’s up at 5:30, drinking coffee and leaving the house to be there, waiting, for visiting hours to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies - lazy as I am, I could not be bothered with doing any deep medical research for this. it's probable that most of it is utter nonsense. I leave the medical drama to the bigger and better among us.


	15. Care

**15 | Care**

Kelly’s surgery went smoothly, and so did his recovery. The swelling had come down significantly, and the dried blood had been washed away from his eyelids before surgery, leaving the small cuts to heal. There was a very colourful bruising around Kelly’s left eye and though most of the bandaging was off, the neat incision at the top of his cheekbone was draped with new white gauze. After the initial post-op check-up, verifying that everything was going according to plan, Kelly was started on hot-compression antibiotic-eye-drops, given every four hours around the clock.

Matt had taken time off to stay with him, trying to keep him busy and preoccupied so he wouldn’t think about the possible outcome of his eyesight. He wasn’t sure it was working. He’d brought music, and books and Fire-Fighting magazines to read aloud, though the room had to remain in semi-darkness to prevent stress on Kelly’s eyes. Members of Firehouse 51 came by and Kelly had hardly spoken two words to them. He was more patient with some than with others, but he didn’t really enjoy them seeing him at his weakest. Through all of it, he never let Matt leave the room, sporadically asking his name to check that he was there while guests came and went. The only break Matt got was when the nurses came to bathe Kelly, first in the bed, then in the small adjacent shower, and Matt used the time to stretch his legs and get some air outside.

After another check-up, the doctor proposed releasing him the following day, to free the bed. If Matt would be willing to take over the warm-compressions, she’d said, Kelly could finish his recovery at home, and come back in a week to check up on his eyesight. The stitches would dissolve on their own in a couple of days. Matt, of course, was more than ready to do it. Kelly, throughout it all, had become reclusive and quiet. Though Matt did try and engage him in conversation, he didn’t push when Kelly answered with only a few words.

On the third evening of Kelly’s hospital stay, Matt was reading to him from a book, though it was getting dark outside, and the light was becoming difficult to read by. He isn’t even sure Kelly’s really listening anymore.

 _“Matty,”_ Kelly suddenly whispers, raising his hand for Matt to hold. He waits until he feels Matt’s hand in his _. “Will you lie next to me?”_

_“What?”_

_“Please?”_

_“I,-“_ but the words drift away. He looks at Kelly, his bruised eyes closed but moving under his eyelids. He seems so small and vulnerable, and after two days of solemn silence, he was finally asking Matt for something. Could Matt really refuse him? He’d kept saying to himself he’d do anything for Kelly, to comfort Kelly, to make him feel better. And here it was. Kelly’s request was, – of course, – physical contact. Kelly always had been more physical than Matt, more self-assured with his body, more expressive with it too. Matt thinks back to their conversation about holding and being held; How Kelly hoped to be held by his partner, how it wasn’t a sign of weakness, but of strength, to let someone be that close.

 _“Scooch over,”_ he says quietly, lowering the bar on Kelly’s bed. He waits for Kelly to make room for him, and then slips in, trying to be as small as possible against Kelly’s side. But Kelly wraps an arm around him, collecting him against him, guiding Matt’s head to lay against his chest.

 _“Thank you,”_ Kelly whispers against the top of his head, and Matt finally releases the breath he’s been holding. He can hear Kelly’s heartbeat, and it does something odd to his own blood flow. He’s not sure what to do with his hands though, one arm squished awkwardly under him, the other laying at an odd angle at his side. But Kelly wiggles suddenly, shifting just a bit more, and Matt’s hand falls against Kelly's chest to balance himself _. “Yes, like that,”_ Kelly mumbles, smirking lightly, and then he sighs, a heavy sigh, as if he can finally breathe again.

They lie in silence for a while and slowly, Matt relaxes against him.

 .

 _“What do you see?”_ Matt asks suddenly out of the silence, his voice barely breaching the hush of the room.

 _“Nothing,”_ Kelly answers pensively, “ _black, moving blackness. Like there is something always at the edge of my reach, like a thick curtain just in front of my eyes, but the curtain never lifts, only ruffles to more blackness. Sometimes, I hear something, like a door closing, something with a distinctive sound, and I think I see movement from its direction, but when I move my head, there’s just more blackness.”_

That was the most Kelly had said in three days, and Matt can’t shake the thought it’s because of a sense of security Kelly got through their physical proximity. He isn’t sure if it had to do with him specifically; if it’d be the same for Kelly had it been someone else, but he’d never ask that. There wasn’t anyone else anyway. 

_._

_“Who’s there?”_ Kelly’s voice rumbles lowly.

_“Rose, the nurse, Kelly. Just checking there are no changes, so we can release you tomorrow.”_

_“Don’t wake him up.”_ Kelly requests, his arm protectively tugging Matt a tiny bit closer, stirring Matt, who hadn’t realized he’d fallen asleep. It takes him a moment, his eyes still closed, to recognize where he is, and how he is. _“Let him rest,”_

 _“You still have some time before visiting hours end, he can stay until then.”_ She says, _“It’s nice to see him so calm,”_

 _“Yeah?”_ Kelly says, his fingers moving to rake through Matt’s hair, wishing he could see Matt, see Matt calm. There’s no awkwardness in his answer, as if it’s absolutely normal, sought even, for them to be sharing a bed. Matt holds his breath. _“Think we both needed it,”_ Kelly ponders factually, _“stress relief.”_

 _“Pretty amazing to be so close to have this,”_ Rose offers, her hand gestures towards them. _“Amazing to see as well, his level of devotion, caring for you,”_

 _“Mm,”_ Kelly confirms but does not expand on it.

 _“You take care of him, Kelly Severide,”_ She adds before leaving the room.

…

The next day, Kelly is released. His bruises still colourful, and his face still aching. Matt receives careful instructions on how to conduct the compressions, as well as a prescription for the drops and some painkillers in case Kelly needed them. They arrive home in the late morning, Kelly holding on to Matt’s shoulder as he guides them into the apartment.

_“I’ve changed the sheets on both our beds. I wasn’t sure what you’d prefer. Tackle the stairs to reach your bedroom with the en suite, or stay in my bedroom, closer to the kitchen and the living room, with no stairs but no en suite.”_

_“Your room,”_ Kelly huffs, thinking it over.

_“Okay, I’ll sleep on the sofa.”_

_“You don’t have to,”_ Kelly offers, and Matt doesn’t know how to answer that. _“You have to put drops in my eyes every four hours, you might as well stay,”_

 _“Let’s… just see, okay, there still time to decide about that.”_ Matt tries to avoid thinking about sharing a bed again _. “You hungry? Want something to eat?”_

 _“I’d like to shower first, shave.”_ He rakes a hand over his four-day scruff. It wasn’t important enough to deal with in the hospital, but it doesn’t help the grubby feeling that sticks to him from the hospital. _“Will you help me shave?”_

_“Sure. Listen, I’ve moved the sofa a bit, so it’s now a straight line from my door to the toilet, okay? 9 steps and the door’ll be on your left.”_

_“You’ve counted?”_

_“Yes. And it’s left and 13 steps from my door to the kitchen counter, and then you turn right, 3 steps to the table. I’ll move the cabinet, so you won’t bump into it,”_

Kelly can’t help but smile, at Matt going through all this trouble. _“You really didn’t get much sleep while I was away, did you?”_ he teases. But Matt doesn’t answer. Kelly grabs at Matt’s shirt, tugging in a way he hopes puts them face to face, _“What I mean is, thank you.”_

_“Okay, so try it, go wait in the toilet, I’ll bring clothes and stuff for you from upstairs, for after.”_

_“Straight line from here?”_

_“Yes, 9 steps.”_ He watches as Kelly walks slowly, counting steps, reaching the doorframe, and waiting, smiling.

_“Genius.”_

.

 _“Sit,”_ Matt guides Kelly to the stool he’d just brought into the toilet with him, before arranging everything they needed for him to shave Kelly. It’s almost an exact reverse to when Kelly had cut his hair, and Matt can’t help feeling an odd, guilty, sense of gratitude to be able to pay back the favour. He concentrates on what he does, careful and precise with the razor at Kelly’s throat. Kelly holds himself very still and a practical hush falls between them.

 _“There,”_ Matt huffs with relief as he finishes, assessing his work, watching as Kelly rakes his fingers over his throat and jaw, trying to feel what it looks like.

 _“Thanks,”_ he says, smiling again, his head turned to where he thinks Matt is standing.

_“Okay, shower. Towel is on the shower door, you just need to reach for it when you’re done. Soap-gel is on the left, shampoo is on the right, your clothes are on the sink-counter in front of you when you come out. Okay?”_

_“Hm,”_

_“Anything else?”_

_“No, don’t think so, thank you.”_

_“I’ll go make lunch,”_

_“Yes, actually, one thing.”_ He hesitates, his voice small, “ _Matt, could you stop being so damn practical?”_ Matt can’t find the words to answer. Even blind, Kelly can read right through his walls. “ _I know you're scared, I am too, but I, I just need you to be here with me,”_

_“I am,”_

_“You are, you are, but -”_

_“I just thought,”_ Matt begins _, “this is so real, having you at home, b-blind. I guess I thought, I hoped, we’d leave that at the hospital. That you’d come home and be better.”_

_“I am better,”_

_“I know. Sorry.”_

_“You don’t have to have it all figured out.”_

_“I need to take care of you, help you,”_

_“You are, but we can still freak out about this together.”_

Matt looks at him, look into his half-open eyes, so changed from the eyes he’d looked at just days ago, memorized to help him get over his demons, so terrifyingly veiled, even when open. He takes in the changing colours of Kelly’s bruising - yellows and greens and brown. _They sound so… involved_ , he thinks as he replays this exchange. _“Okay,”_ he relents.

_“Okay,”_

There is a terrifying silence, in which they’re both unsure what just happened, or what should happen next. Then Matt, his voice a mere whisper, breaks the silence, his fingers fluttering at the hair of Kelly’s nape.

_“Would you like me to wash your hair before you shower? You can’t get the stitches wet.”_

_“Please,”_ Kelly murmurs after clearing his throat, fully aware of the intimacy Matt is now offering, that only weeks ago was too much for both of them.

…

 _“I think that was enough running around for today,”_ Kelly jokes as they sit at the table, having finished their lunch. Matt can see his eyelids are drooping even more than before, tiredness apparent in his muscles.

 _“Go lie down then,”_ Matt says, collecting their plates from the table. _“I’ll finish up here and come give you your drops and then you can sleep,”_

 _“Okay. Help me to the bed first, will you?”_ he raises his hand as he gets up, searching for Matt to lead him from the table.

_“Sure,”_

.

 _“Head back,”_ Matt instructs as he directs the drops into Kelly’s eye, his other hand resting on Kelly’s forehead, carefully holding his eyelids open one at a time _. “There, that’s one, now the other,”_ he murmurs in concentration. Then he fishes the washcloth from the water bowl, setting it over Kelly’s eyes, skimming over it gently to make it sit in place. It’s only then he notices how close they are, Kelly lying on his back, his head tilted, neck exposed, and Matt hunching over him, his thigh against the bed frame, his hip leaning against Kelly’s side to balance himself as he reaches over to Kelly’s eyes, Kelly’s arm at his waist, holding him in balance. He hadn’t even noticed.

 _“Okay,”_ he says, swallowing thickly, as he lifts the cloth a few moments later, wiping any excess water. “ _You need anything else? Pain meds?”_

 _“No,”_ Kelly whispers drowsily, _“what you gonna do now?”_

_“I’m… going to sort out the kitchen, order a cook-box over the internet, and then maybe watch some television.”_

_“Okay,”_ Kelly says, lifting his arm from Matt’s waist.

 _“I’m not leaving,”_ Matt promises _, “I’m right outside if you need me,”_

_“Okay,”_

_“Sleep, Kel,”_

_“Okay,”_ he mumbles, already swept away by sleep.

…

The day had passed in a tired haze, Kelly sleeping through most of it, and Matt waking him periodically to give him his eyedrops. The next morning began quite as lazy, though Matt could soon feel Kelly becoming restless. He’d got up for breakfast in the kitchen, and passed a few hours on the couch, and was soon back in bed out of boredom more than exhaustion.

“ _Hey,”_ Matt comes into his room in the afternoon to find Kelly laying with his eyes open. _“You feeling better?”_

_“Yeah,”_

_“How long have you been awake? Why didn’t you call me?”_

_“Don’t know, was listening to the game you’re watching on tv,”_

_“Oh, was it too loud? Sorry,”_

_“No, it’s fine,”_

_“You ready for your eye-drops again?”_

_“Already, really? Yeah, sure,”_

_“Okay,”_

_“Can we…”_

_“What, Kelly?”_

_“Can we go out afterwards?”_

_“Out?”_

_“Outside, just outside. I feel like I’ve been cooped inside for days,”_

_“You have been... sure, where do you want to go?”_

_“Doesn’t have to be anywhere, we could sit on a bench outside.”_

_“How about the ice-cream place around the corner?”_

_“You want to see me humiliate myself, ice cream dripping everywhere, don’t you?”_ he smirks, hoping Matt will see it as the tease it is.

 _“I gotta get something out of this situation,”_ Matt quips back, and they both chuckle.

…

It really wasn’t very far, but Kelly’s blindness made everything slower – reaching the ice cream parlour, eating the ice cream without making too big of a mess, walking back – it all became tasks, to be thought out and struggled through – Kelly was amazed at how for granted he’d taken his lifestyle until now. Even as a fire-fighter, acknowledging his life and its precarity, he’d never given thought to how easy he had most basic things, how unquestioned he had regarded the everyday tasks.

Even though it wasn’t as warm, in the late afternoon, they enjoyed the last bits of sun, arriving back to the apartment, in time for dinner and another round of drops.

.

 _“What now?”_ Matt asks expectantly as they finish the eye-drops ceremony.

“ _You don’t have to entertain me, Matt. You can go do your own thing, I’ll be fine,”_

_“Sick of me, are you?”_

_“No, just…”_

_“Okay, sorry, um, I’ll come back later,”_

_“No, Matt, wait. Sorry, I didn’t mean to kick you out, I just… not used to be this dependent, I guess…”_

_“I get it,”_

_“Could you put on an audiobook, or something, before you go?”_

_“Um, sure,”_ Matt fiddles around with Kelly’s phone, connecting it to the charger and the wireless speaker, going over the selection. _“Anything specific?”_

_“Anything’s fine, I’ve never heard any of them…”_

_“Okay,”_ Matt mumbles as he chooses one, and lets it begin, setting the volume accordingly before leaving the room.

..

_“Hey, Kelly, wake up,”_

_“Mhhng!,”_ Kelly grunts and burrows deeper into the duvet.

_“Kelly, come on, eye drops and then you can sleep again,”_

_“Hmmmph,”_ Kelly rumbles as he stretches his back, settling down in resignation, tilting his head back and trying to open his eyes. “ _What time is it?’_

 _“Just past midnight, ready?”_ Matt answers, already in place, everything he needs ready, to get this done and over with so he too can go to bed.

_“Mmm,”_

_“Shit, sorry, sorry,”_ Matt’s quick to dab some drops, that have missed their marks, _“tilt a bit higher, good, there. Done. Keep that on for two minutes and then you can go back to sleep.”_

_“Where you sleeping?”_

_“On the couch,”_

_“Matt, come on,”_ Kelly says, as he scooches aside, making himself smaller _, “just sleep here,”_

_“It’s fine, Kelly. Our couch is fine, I’ll see you again at four,”_

..

Matt is utterly wrecked at four o’clock in the morning – it isn’t so much the getting up, but the constant worry for Kelly, the thinking ahead, calculating and preparing in advance everything and anything they might need. He turns off his beeping alarm clock and presses his palms to his eyes, trying to push away sleep. Then he gets up to prepare what he needs, stretching the knots out of his back.

 _“Kelly,”_ he says as he comes into the room _, “Kel,”_ he nudges at Kelly’s shoulder as he set the bowl of water down on the bedside table. 

 _“Mmmm’wake,”_ Kelly grumbles, peeling off the duvet and tilting his head. “ _Fuck, I need to pee,”_ he mumbles, just as Matt picks up the bottle of eyedrops.

 _“Really? Shit. Ok, come on,”_ he says, waiting for Kelly to get up and out of bed, leading him to the toilet, his hand automatically reaching for the light switch, his eye blinking against the light.

 _“Woah,”_ Kelly’s comments in wonder, as he grabs tighter at Matt’s shoulder, _“do that again,”_

_“What?”_

_“You just turned on the light, didn’t you? Do it again, turn it off and on again.”_

Matt complies but does not follow. _“Kelly, what’s going on?”_

 _“I see a difference,”_ Kelly grins, _“or I feel I difference. Between strong light and dark. There’s a difference,”_

 _“Yeah?!”_ Matt can’t hold in his delight _, “that’s great,”_

_“Yeah,”_

They grin at each other for a moment before Matt collects himself. _“Okay, go pee,”_ he encourages, though unable to completely clear the excitement from his voice, _“I’ll wait outside the door.”_

…

 _“Kelly, you idiot, stop playing with the light,”_ Matt chides, amused, as he passes by Kelly’s door, once he’s cleared up the things from Kelly’s bedside table after putting the drops in his eyes. Kelly’s hand had found the switch for the night lamp above his head, and he’s busy flicking it on an off, excitedly examining the differences in his perception.

 _“Nope,”_ he grins roguishly in Matt’s direction.

_“It’s 4.30 in the morning, go to sleep!”_

_“Can’t sleep now, too excited,”_

_“Okay, then don’t, but stop, I’m not sure such strong exposure is good for your eyes right now,”_ Kelly’s hand falls from the lamp, thudding against the bed, “ _sorry_ ,”

_“Come sleep in the bed, Matt, this is ridiculous.”_

_“I don’t have the energy to argue with you anymore,”_ Matt says as he trudges in tiredly, climbing on to the bed beside Kelly.

 _“Good,”_ Kelly answers, satisfied, turning on his side to try and get comfortable _, “ahhh, fuck!”_

_“You okay?”_

_“Yeah, hmng! Forgot about that for a moment,”_ he says, wincing with pain and finding his position again on his back. _“Fuck,”_

_“Can I get you anything?”_

_“No, it’ll calm down again in a moment. I just need to remember not to fucking lie on it like an idiot.”_

Matt can’t help but chuckle, which soon turns into a giggle, infecting Kelly, and soon they both lie there laughing.

 _“Ow, stop, ow,”_ Kelly wheezes through his laughter, trying to gain control of himself, as his face hurts where the laughter cringles the skin around his eyes.

 _“I’m so glad you’re okay,”_ Matt breathes as he comes down, his breath hitching when he realizes what he’d just said.

 _“Me too,”_ Kelly echoes, his hand searching for Matt’s next to him. Matt slips his hand into Kelly’s grip and they both calm down and lie in silence.

_“Good night, Kelly,”_

_“Good night,”_ Kelly squeezes his hand, adding a whispered, _“thank you,”_


	16. Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG,

**16 | Beautiful**

8:00 am finds Matt curled small, tucked, completely covered, under the duvet, his forehead snuggled against Kelly’s ribs. The breath catches in his throat when he realizes, his body going rigged. Though it was short, he’d been sleeping deeply, the alarm pulling him insistently back from his oblivion. He can feel Kelly’s arm draped around him over the duvet, and Kelly’s whisper reaches him through the thick cover and the ringing alarm. He doesn’t dare move, unsure if Kelly’s aware he’s awake and can hear him clearly.

 _“I’m in love with you,”_ Kelly whispers, the tips of his fingers skimming ever so lightly over the duvet at Matt’s back. His voice is slow and heavy as if he’d been lying awake for hours, thinking it over and finally, finally, giving in to the heaviness of the confession, unable to stop the words. _“Utterly in love with you.”_ Kelly clears his throat, his voice rising slightly over the ringing alarm. _“I’m telling you, because you trust me, and I want you to trust me. I want you to keep looking in my eyes and keep on feeling safe. No ulterior motives.”_

The alarm finally gives up, as if aware Kelly has run out of words. The room falls silent around them. Both of them hold their breath, unsure. Then Matt feels the weight of Kelly’s arm lift away from his back, following in his mind, how Kelly lays it over his eyes. “ _Maybe it’s unfair I’m telling you this now, when you’re stuck taking care of me…”_ Kelly adds, worried.

Matt peels himself slowly from Kelly’s proximity, his head coming out of the covers, his eyes skimming over Kelly’s still figure. _“I’m not stuck taking care of you, Kelly,”_ Matt says softly. _“I’m choosing to take care of you.”_

_“Matt,”_

_“It’s time for your drops,”_ Matt says, already pulling back out of bed.

_“Matt,”_

_“I don’t know, Kelly, I don’t know.”_ He cuts Kelly, panicking. He sits hunched at the edge of the bed, his back to Kelly, his head in his hands. _“I saw it,”_ he admits, _“in your eyes, on the boat. I could see it. I heard you when you said it in the cemetery. I did. I know it, somehow, I just can’t understand it. How could you possibly want me? I’m so broken,”_

_“You’re not broken, Matt, you’re perfect,”_

_“I don’t want your pity, Kelly,”_

_“You make me happy, Matt. You make me think and feel like nobody else does. I feel safe with you, I feel treasured and beautiful, and curious. You make me feel… everything. That’s why I want you, selfishly. And I want, I hope, to make you feel as much as I do. But if you don’t, I get-”_

_“I don’t know,”_ Matt says firmly, then again, more quietly, _“I don’t know. I feel, of course, I feel; I can’t imagine my life without you. And that scares the shit out of me. But I don’t know if I can give you everything you want. And that scares me even more,”_

_“I don’t want any more than you can give, than you want to give me. I would never intentionally hurt you, Matt,”_

_“I know that, Kelly. Look, can we just, can we just get through this first? Get your eyesight back, go back to normal - to sleeping full nights, to working - and then deal with this? Please?”_

Kelly’s silence behind him is thundering. He doesn’t mean to be cruel or rude, he just can’t find any words, his thoughts jumble in his head trying to work out everything Matt has said, what it all means and where they stand now, in their confessional limbo.

_“Please, Kelly,”_

_“Yes, okay, of course,”_ Kelly breathes out, swallowing down his disappointment. He’s not sure what he’d expected; He’s not surprised that Matt is shook, but he didn’t mean to scare him off. He hates that Matt’s voice now sounds small and scared.

 _“Thank you for telling me,”_ Matt says, his voice soft but not as small. _“I’m glad you did. I do trust you. and I’m not avoiding this, okay, I just need some time.”_

 _“Hm-hm,”_ Kelly grunts softly and swallows thickly. _“Could you, could you do my drops? I want to shower after.”_ Matt’s heart breaks a little at Kelly’s practical tone, but he knows it’s unfair to expect any more. It’s a sticky situation, he’d asked for time, and now Kelly’s giving him his space _._

“ _Sure_ ,” he mumbles, getting up, going to the kitchen to prepare everything he needs.

…

The day passes with an odd silence between them; Kelly insisting on being more independent, and Matt giving him more space. He leaves the clothes ready by the sink, and the meals ready on the counter, making sure everything is available for Kelly if and when he wants them, and only comes in every four hours, to give him his eye-drops. They do the ritual almost silently, only the bare necessary communication.

 At 16:30, Matt goes out running, needing to clear his head and think through why things had gotten so tense and complicated when the cards had finally been laid open. Was it because of him? Because he hadn’t immediately said yes? Hadn’t reacted like Kelly wished he had? He doesn’t think so. Kelly knows him well enough to know he needs time to think things over.

Pounding the streets, letting his thrumming heart and footfalls take over his body, he slowly clears his mind to focus on the questions fluttering noisily around it. He replays their conversation in his head; Kelly had told him how he felt, because he wanted to be fair, he wanted to keep Matt close and open and safe. He hadn’t even asked for anything, Matt realizes, hadn’t pushed to change anything from how it currently was; or had been until Kelly’s injury. And Matt had cut in right after Kelly’s confession and hadn’t let him finish after that. He’d panicked, and though he didn’t mean to shut down, he’d kept away, left Kelly alone with his confession, and probably some guilt over causing Matt discomfort.

But Matt finds, it’s not only discomfort he feels. His reaction to Kelly’s confession is tinged with gratitude and flattery, and joy, he realizes. Excitement. And love. Of course he loves Kelly, he has for a very long time. Even before... before. Kelly was there before, as a friend, as a brother, as an unattainable, beautifully male, man, and he’s become even more now. But was he in love with Kelly? And, could he get past his issues to give Kelly the relationship that Kelly deserved? The physical contact, the touches and caresses, the holding onto and leaning into, the sex? He thinks back to their date, fake as it was, remembers taking Kelly’s figure in at the bar, wanting Kelly to want him. Wanting Kelly. And their kiss, the things he could feel Kelly tell him through his lips, how his eyes were on fire as he listened to Matt play the violin. He thinks how beautiful he’d found their connection, how right it felt to link his fingers with Kelly’s. Rake his fingers through his hair. Taste his lips and along his jaw. Feel Kelly’s muscles against his own body. It had been delicious before it became too much. And he could feel Kelly’s eagerness, how he’d lost himself in it. That was when things shifted, he recalls – Kelly’s abandonment into the kiss, how his desire took over. But he’d stopped when Matt had asked. He’d listened and he stopped, and he made Matt feel safe and unashamed. Unashamed of his wants and unashamed of his needs, even when the two contrasted. That was what Kelly gave him. Everything Harvey had taken away, Kelly was teaching him to take back. And Matt truly loved him for it. But was that reason enough to be with Kelly? Was that the right reason?

He finds himself on the way home again, unsure his head is really any clearer, though he feels less afraid.

…

 _“Kel,”_ Matt asks that evening, standing over him as he finishes with Kelly’s eyedrops, his voice shaking, “ _Can I sleep here? Next to you?”_

_“It’s your bed, Matt,”_

_“Kelly,”_ Matt’s fingers fiddle at Kelly’s shoulder, speaking a language his words can’t seem to portray.

 _“Yes, Matt, of course you can,”_ Kelly gives in, relieved, his hand climbing to grab at Matt’s arm and pull him down to the bed. _“Come up here,”_ he requests quietly, as Matt settles at his side, and Matt moves closer, his head resting on Kelly’s shoulder. Kelly’s arms wrap around him as he breathes him in.

 _“I’m sorry,”_ Matt begins, and Kelly shakes his head. _“No, listen. I didn’t let you speak this morning, and I panicked and jumped to conclusions. I broke our Game Night rule.”_

 _“I love you,”_ Kelly says, his voice tight, as he holds him snugger against him. It’s not an answer at all, to what Matt had just said, and yet… Matt exhales a long-held breath and lets everything wash over him and lift away.

_“I love you too,”_

…

The next morning, Matt wakes up to the distinct feeling of being watched. He opens his eyes carefully, to find Kelly’s blue eyes fixed on his face, shining and deep, but he’s unsure if Kelly’s even awake.

 _“Kelly?”_ he whispers, hesitant both about waking Kelly and hearing his answer.

 _“You’re beautiful,”_ Kelly whispers back, smiling.

 _“You,”_ Matt lifts his head in surprise, his eyes not leaving Kelly’s _, “You can see me?”_ his hand raises to Kelly’s cheek, not daring to touch it, his eyes bore into Kelly’s eyes, searching for what he’d been missing ever since the accident. _“Kelly,”_ his voice breaks when realization falls, all coherent thought dissipating into thin air, wonder and gratitude and disbelief taking over. _“Kelly,”_

Kelly pointedly takes hold of Matt’s hand, pressing it against his healthy cheek. _“I’m right here,”_ he whispers, the smile not leaving his face _, “I can see you,”_

 _“Kelly,”_ it’s relief, and gratitude and the release of all the fears held inside, parting with the thought of Kelly’s eyes remaining empty and unseeing. Tears run down Matt’s own cheeks as he reads Kelly’s eyes again.

 _“Don’t cry,”_ Kelly whispers, leaning in, ever so slowly, until he flutters kisses against the tear-tracks around Matt’s eyes. Matt chuckles breathily as he wraps his arms around Kelly’s neck, pulling him in for a tight embrace, tucking his head into the curve of Kelly’s neck. Kelly can feel him shiver in his arms. _  
_

 

 _“We need to get you to a doctor,”_ Matt pulls away suddenly, his mind catching up, _“need to check you’re alright,”_

_“Matt, it’s 6:30 in the morning, the only thing we NEED to do is let me look at you for a while longer.”_

_“And kiss me,”_ Matt pants shyly, _“you need to kiss me,”_

 _“Yeah?”_ Kelly smile widens on his lips, his eyes twinkle at Matt.

 _“Yes,”_ Matt nods in the most serious of ways, _“yes,”_ and Kelly leans in, delicately catching Matt’s lips with his, holding him there, breathing him in, taking time to softly reacquaint them with one another.

 _“I’ve missed you, missed seeing you,”_ Kelly breaths against Matt’s skin.

 _“God, me too,”_ Matt pants, capturing Kelly’s lips again, his hands raking through Kelly’s hair.

 _“I was right here,”_ Kelly wonders, his eye finding Matt again in question.

 _“No, you weren’t,”_ Matt answers almost desperately, clinging to the newfound clarity in Kelly’s eyes, afraid he might sound crazy, _“not entirely,”_


	17. Pillow Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently, the boys had a lot to talk about... so, there's not a lot of plot here...

**17 | Pillow Talk**

It’d been the shift from hell and all he wants is to sleep. Perhaps forever. Close the shutters, turn off the lights and disappear under his duvet. But Kelly is waiting for him when he arrives home, two hours late, bounding to the door to greet him. Matt hates himself even more for the image of a puppy springing to his mind. Kelly does not deserve this. And yet Matt can’t bring himself to even care.

 _“Hi,”_ Kelly greets him tentatively, taking him in.

_“Hi,”_

_“Everything ok?”_

_“Shift… ran over. I just –“_

_“You ok?”_

_“Yes,”_ Matt answers, trying to keep the irritation from his voice, moving past Kelly in an attempt to get to his room. _“Just…”_

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly shifts his weight just a tad to the left, his body suggestively presenter in Matt’s way and personal space.

_“Don’t, Kelly. Just let me through, let me sleep, please.”_

Kelly silently moves out of the way and Matt makes his way to his room

..

 _“Matt, wake up. Matt,”_ Kelly’s voice tugs him from his sleep, along with the dying echo of his ringtone.

 _“What time is it?”_ he grumbles sourly.

_“13:30. Your phone’s been ringing insistently for the past 15 minutes. It’s doctor Stravinsky’s office.”_

_“Shit!”_ Matt bolts upright, flinging the covers from him, immediately awake. “ _Shit_!” He grabs the phone off his nightstand, tapping the return call. Kelly stands awkwardly next to him hearing the one-sided conversation. _“Yes, it’s Matt Casey. Yes, sorry. I’m sorry. My shift ran longer than usual. No. I, sorry. Can we just schedule for next week? Yes, the same time. This won’t happen again. Yes. Tell her I apologize. I’m really sorry. Ok. Thank you. Sorry, again. Bye.”_  He clicks the call off and flops back onto his back. His arm covering his eyes. “ _Shiiiit_!”

_“Matt?”_

_“Can this day go any more wrong?”_ Matt mumbles from under his arm. Then he lifts his arm slightly from his face, looking at Kelly for a moment. Unreadable thoughts racing across his face. _“Don’t stand over me like that,”_ He tells Kelly, who is looking down at him from the end of the bed. _“Freaks me out.”_

 _“Can I sit, then?”_ Kelly asks, indicating the bed. But Matt has let his arm fall back to cover his eyes.

 _“Do what you want,”_ he grunts.

_“What’s going on?”_

_“Nothing”_

_“Matt,”_

_“God, Kelly. Just, fuck off. Just leave, ok. Just leave me alone.”_

_“What’s happened on shift, Matt? Why are you pushing me away?”_

_“Because you can’t fix everything! And I can’t run to you with every little thing.”_ The words cascade loudly out of his mouth. He’s propped himself up on his elbows, his gaze piercing through Kelly. _“I can’t be that dependent. And you can’t fix me.”_ He’s panting by the time he’s finished, falling back down, arm covering his eyes again. _“I don’t understand why you’d want to anyway.”_ He huffs out in a low voice.

Kelly sits next to him, taking in Matt’s figure, letting it all wash over him. Then a small grin develops on his lips. _“You missed me?”_ he dares quietly.

 _“I couldn’t function,”_ Matt surprises both of them with an answer, though he stays hidden under his arm.   _“I couldn’t breathe without you there. I couldn’t think of anything else. I knew you were ok. I knew you were home for another shift as a mere precaution, but I couldn’t not worry. I couldn’t not want to be with you.”_

_“Matt,”_

_“It can’t be like that. I can’t let that happen, Kelly.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“It’s not right. It’s weak and dependent and pathetic. It compromises my work, my ability to lead. It’s not who I am.”_

_“Who are you then?”_

_“I, -”_ but he can’t find the words.

_“You want to know what I see when I look at you?”_

_“No, I don’t think I do,”_ Matt says lightly, but there a small grin on his lips and he’s peeking at Kelly from under his shelter.

 _“I see the most beautiful man,”_ Kelly begins, his voice sincere. He leans over Matt, his hand carefully nearing the top of Matt’s head. He waits for Matt to take notice of their proximity before his fingers sneak into his golden hair. “ _Incredibly strong, smart, willful. Stubborn.”_ He tugs lightly at Matt’s locks, making him huff a small chuckle and uncover his face. _“Fighting.”_ Kelly goes on, _“Inspiringly fighting to live, to remain who you are.”_ He looks into Matt’s eyes as his fingers rake again through his short locks. _“I won’t ever tell you to stop fighting, Matt. But you don’t have to fight alone. I’m here to fight alongside you if you’ll have me.”_

_“I don’t have in me to fight you anymore,”_

_“Then don’t. Stop fighting and just let us be.”_ Matt closes his eye as a way of response, and Kelly goes on, his words half teasing Matt, as he nuzzles against his ear. _“It’s much easier to just tell me you’ve missed me than to push me away. Takes much less energy. Try it,”_

Matt opens his eye to read Kelly’s expression, pondering his suggestion. Then he curls against Kelly, his arm wrapping around Kelly’s back, pulling him in. _“I’ve missed you,”_ he breathes against Kelly’s chest, giving in, yielding to his own needs, _“I missed you so much.”_

 _“I missed you too,”_ Kelly whispers into the crown of Matt’s head, his hand gripping at Matt’s nape, holding him close. _“Can I finally kiss you now?”_

Matt lifts his head and nods once, his eye flickering from Kelly’s eyes down to his lips and back again. It’s he who then leans up to close the gap between them, initiating and taking charge of their kiss. It soon turns heated, Kelly’s weight pushing Matt further onto his back. His arm falling on the other side of Matt’s head, holding Kelly’s weight. But he can soon feel Matt’s body tense under him.

 _“I’m stopping, I’m stopping,”_ he mumbles onto Matt’s lips, trying and failing to hold himself back.

 _“No, don’t,”_ Matt smears his answer onto Kelly’s lips, his kiss just as fervent, his fingers grasping at Kelly’s hair. _“Just... flip over… let me be on top,”_

As he speaks, Matt guides them, rearranging Kelly onto his back and climbing over of him, his lips never leaving Kelly’s skin. He holds himself, his body hovering over Kelly’s body as he leans his forehead against Kelly and takes a breath.

 _“You don’t have to do this, Matt,”_ Kelly says, very aware of Matt’s tense muscles.

 _“I want to,”_ Matt mumbles, _“I really want to be able to do this,”_

 _“I know, but don’t push yourself if you’re not ready,”_ Kelly begs, _“I’m with you anyway, we don’t have to -”_

 _“Kelly,”_ Matt cuts in, “shut up and kiss me,” there’s nothing he wants more. He shifts his weight to his right arm, his left hand wrapping around Kelly’s cheek as he pulls him into another searing kiss. As if it’s a method of distraction. He slowly begins to lower his body towards Kelly - his left elbow comes to rest against Kelly’s chest. Matt’s upper body lowering to lie against it. He can feel Kelly’s arm tentatively skimming along his shoulder, as he battles between want and caution. Matt's weight shifts some more to the side, so he can align against Kelly’s side, there but not yet pressing.

 _“Open your knees,”_ Matt pants against Kelly’s lips.

 _“Matt,”_ but before he can react any further, Matt skillfully manoeuvres Kelly’s leg legs with his feet, spreading them to make room for himself. It’s the hottest thing Kelly’s ever experienced and if Matt continues this line, he won’t be able to hide it long. He can feel the heat coursing through his body, pooling low in his abdomen. He can’t get enough of Matt’s determination. He knows, once Matt gains his confidence, Kelly won’t ever be able to refuse him. Not that he’d want to…

Just at these thoughts whirl through his mind, his lips gasping for air around Matt’s incessant mouth, Matt lets his knees sink to the mattress, lets his weight fall against Kelly, engulfing him in heat. Kelly can’t help but groan at the contact, at the pleasure of it, knowing Matt can inevitably feel him hardening under him.

 _“I can’t, ‘m sorry,”_ Matt immediately pulls back, breaking contact, sitting back on his heels between Kelly’s knees, hands pulling at his hair. Kelly needs another moment to collect himself, get his racing heart and heaving lungs under control.

_“I’m sorry,”_

_“Stop apologizing,”_ Kelly says absentmindedly, as though forgetting with whom he’s talking.

 _“I really want to want this,”_ Matt tries to explain.

 _“That was incredible,”_ Kelly counters, still not fully there but wanting Mat to see the half-full glass of things. _“Best makeout session I’ve had in a long time.”_

_“I’m being serious,”_

_“Me too, Matt. Look, a month ago, this would never even have happened… it wasn’t possible. When we started Game Night, I couldn’t even touch you – at all. You’ve been doing incredible progress.”_

_“You make it sound like I’m an invalid, a child learning a new subject at school.”_ Matt huffs in frustration. But Kelly isn’t discouraged.

 _“No. but you’ve had to learn to trust people again, to trust your body again. Not because you’re an invalid, that’s entirely the wrong term, but because you’ve been through something traumatic, and it’s left its impact.”_ He can see Matt getting agitated at the word. But he goes on, more calmly. “ _You can’t expect for it all to be fixed instantly because we’re horny. It doesn’t work that way and you know it. It’s why Game Night has rules and steps and therapy sessions.”_

 _“Horny?”_ Matt repeats the word in wonder, confusing Kelly. _“I make you horny?”_

 _“God, Matt, yes. Obviously, you literally just felt the impact you have on me.”_ Then a thought occurs to him. “ _Do I make you Horny?”_

 _“I,”_ Matt looks confused at the question _. “I don’t think I’ve been horny since… before…”_

_“Not even alone? On your own?”_

_“Um, no,”_

_“You haven’t masturbated since Harvey?”_ Kelly can’t keep the astonishment out of his voice. Realizing too late it probably sounds judgmental. _“Sorry. I… just… you don’t have to answer that.”_

_“No, I haven’t. It didn’t even occur to me.”_

_“Wow. I mean… sorry. Uh, so, I take it you haven’t talked about this with your therapist either?”_

_“Um, no.”_

_“Okay. But uh, - weird question, - if you would… masturbate…. would you picture me? Would you think about me?”_

_“What?”_

_“Would you fantasize about me? It’s ok if you would.”_

_“I,”_

_“I think maybe you should.”_

_“What?”_

_“I mean… what I mean to say is, that maybe, before we go any further here, with the physical stuff, you should think about trying on your own… to see if you have the impulse at all. And it’d be ok, good even, if you thought about me. If fantasies about me would… kindle... your desire. Because it would mean you find me attractive, that you desire me. This is really weird.”_

_“I do find you attractive, always have. I think you know this.”_

_“Maybe, but there’s a bigger question here – about your sexual drive… this is really for Stravinsky, I have no idea what I’m talking about.”_

_“I know what you mean though. The trust we have has enabled me to develop feelings for you, I just still can’t close the gap between that and the physical stuff. I don’t know how to bridge us with what we do during Game Night. Or, the other way around how to separate it. Agh, I don’t know yet how to give you what you expect physically. Sexually.”_

_“I’m not expecting anything, Matt.”_

_“Of course you are, and so am I, eventually. It’s part of a romantic relationship.”_

_“It doesn’t have to be. It doesn’t have to define a romantic relationship.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Some people don’t feel that kind of attraction. The same way that some people can have, want to have, a sexual relationship without it being a romantic one, some people want a romantic relationship without it being a sexual one. It’s not black and white, there’s a lot of greys.”_

_“Maybe, but you and I are not those people. You love sex. You show your affection and care physically, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to give you that.”_

_“First of all, this isn’t only about me and what I need and what you can or can’t give me. It’s about both of us. What we both want and need and can. Second, you already give me a lot of the physical. That massage you gave me? The kissing? Being able to hold you, to sleep in the same bed… it’s all there and it’s amazing. And, and I don’t mean this as pressure or expectation, we’ll keep working on it, Game Night or not, until you’re happy with yourself. We’ll figure it out, Matt. It’s not all or nothing.”_

_“But why would you want that? Why would you settle for it? You can go out and find anyone, literally anyone you want, and it would be easier. Why put yourself through this?”_

Kelly raises himself to sit in front of Matt. Matt’s face held between his hand, as he emphasizes the word. _“Matthew Casey. I. don’t. want. Anyone. Else. I don’t care who I could have. I. want. You. I. love. You. I’m. in love. with you. I’m in this with you because I want to be, because I want you. You are the most spectacular person I know. You’re my best friend. You’re my family. Now you’re my lover and I’m not looking for anything easier. Do you understand me?”_

Matt’s eyes are a shining blue at the edge of Kelly’s nose. But he can’t seem to be able to answer.

_“Do you understand me?”_

_“Yes,”_ Matt whispers, nodding slightly without dislodging Kelly’s hands. His hands shakily wrap around Kelly's wrists.

 _“Good. Is this what you went through in your head during shift?”_ Matt blushes as he nods bashfully _. “Jeez. Why didn’t you call me?”_ Matt’s response is a quizzical glare and Kelly can’t help but chuckle, teasing him lightly. _“You’re too stubborn for your damn good, Matt Casey. But I’m in love with you anyway.”_


End file.
